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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to friends coming?

25 replies

ProtegeMoi · 29/06/2013 15:20

I feel bad but its starting to drive me mad now.

I have 2 children (well 3 but one is a baby and not involved) and my friend also has 2 children. All 4 children are good friends and play together a lot.

My son has special needs as does friends son although not as severe and so easier to cope with.

On several occasions my friends 2 children have been to mine for tea / slept over etc but it has never been the other way round and mine don't go to hers.

Last week I mentioned this in a jokey way to my friend and she then invited my son (just my son despite us always having both of hers) to play.

Whilst he was with her she sent me several texts asking how long I would be (I nipped the shop) and when I picked him up 30 mins later she told me it was too much for her but explained her had been very well behaved.

Today she has been at my house with her 2 children again who are staying for tea and heard me and my partner trying to sort out childcare as our babysitter tomorrow has had to cancel (we have an appointment)

She turned to me and said "don't ask me I can't cope" despite the fact I hadn't said a word to her.

This really annoyed me. She basically made it clear that she is not willing to return the many times her children come and play and sleep over.

I have said to my partner that its not happening anymore and her children can come to play with her only but we won't be looking after them.

The problem is my children are good friends with hers as I said and they keep asking if they can stay for tea, come out with us, sleep over etc

Its making me feel really guilty. Should I just suck it up and realise that its always going to be one sided and seethe quietly or should I stick to my guns and keep telling my children no?

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 29/06/2013 15:45

take her at her word, she can't cope,

So only have her children over to yours, when your children want to play with their friends, and you feel like it,

stop your children going over there, as she may be fractious with them.

If you don't expect anything from her you won't be disappointed.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/06/2013 16:12

YANBU. She is more of a user than a friend IMO. Seriously, she couldn't cope for thirty minutes and texted you several times during that time? Sheesh. Sounds like she was trying to make a point, rather than not coping.

Stick to your guns. And when she asks if they can stay (and she will, you know) make it clear to her why they can't. And that you're very hurt by the lack of reciprocation, don't be jokey about it.

PearlyWhites · 29/06/2013 16:17

Yanbu you friend is very selfish it's a difficult one though as you don't want your dc to miss out playing with their friends. I would insist she stays while her dc are at your house.

evelynj · 29/06/2013 16:18

Offer to teach her to cope & be honest with her that you think it's unreasonable. It would be nice if the children didn't suffer but maybe if she can see how you cope with them all rather than just dropping her kids off it might develop her skills?

pigletmania · 29/06/2013 16:23

Your friend sounds likea user, don't have them over. Meet at a park, open area or soft play. Sounds as though in this situation sh does not want to make the effort, the kids were not misbehaving.

saintlyjimjams · 29/06/2013 16:29

YANBU - have them only if you want to & if it will make your life easier. And not doing you a favour when you're stuck is pretty crappy.

Original poster

ProtegeMoi · 29/06/2013 16:50

I wouldn't class her as a user or selfish, we are very good friends and get along well. She has done a lot for us as we have for her.

It's just an issue with children. I know my son can be hard, its not that he is naughty but mentally he is a toddler despite being 9 years old and that can be hard to deal with.

It's usually her children or my children that ask rather than her herself and then all 4 of them stand there looking at me with pleading faces, makes it hard to say no.

Like I said we also have a baby so having 5 children, 2 of which have extra needs is hard work but you cope because its what you do. That's why it bothers me that she used the can't cope excuse when she only had 3 for 30 mins.

OP posts:

Original poster

ProtegeMoi · 29/06/2013 16:52

Oh and to the poster saying teach her how to cope.

She comes to my house every day, we have been on holiday together several times. She knows my son well enough to know exactly how to deal with him, its just that she finds it tiring rather than a not knowing.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 29/06/2013 16:55

Just say no

Elquota · 29/06/2013 17:17

YANBU. Next time she asks, say it's her turn and say you'll make sure she's able to cope.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 29/06/2013 17:22

Don't do anything that you're going to resent. That will kill the friendship in the end.

Either find a way to be genuinely ok with it, or stop having them over by themselves and say any time they want to play, their mum has to stay.

And tell your children to stop asking if they can stay over or go out with you.

I hope it's your children asking, cos if it's hers, that's a bit rude. (I am old fashioned here. I know that the younger generations don't necessarily think that way )

Lweji · 29/06/2013 17:27

Not saying yabu, but some people have a hard time with their own children and barely seem to cope with them.
Others, just do fine.

She should have said something more along the lines of being sorry for not offering. But in her head it may be too much, in the same way that some people drive well and everywhere, while others panic at the thought of taking the car anywhere.

I'd give her some slack if she's there for you otherwise.

Colliecollie · 29/06/2013 17:33

You have a new baby so maybe now you can say it will too much for you to cope with her two as well.

mrsjay · 29/06/2013 17:41

she is using you for free childcare and a break which I can see why if she has difficulty coping with her children it is really is up to you but I wouldnt have her kids as often as you do, she is using your good nature friends return favours imo

Bobyan · 29/06/2013 17:52

She's treating you like a doormat, but you are letting her.

You either learn to suck it up or say no and accept that both choices may impact your friendship.

Sparrowlegs248 · 29/06/2013 17:52

You say she is not using you etc so are you able to have a reasonable convrsation with her? And explain that you cope with all 5 and it would mean a lot/be helpful etc if she could learn to cope with them too?

Elquota · 29/06/2013 18:05

If you can cope 24 hours a day then surely it wouldn't be too hard for a friend to learn what she needs to, in order to reciprocate your hospitality.

Kat101 · 29/06/2013 18:34

Is she on her own or does she have a partner there to help her?

We have friends kids over and it's not reciprocated. They are often on their own and we like to think maybe they enjoy the break. It's strictly on our terms and when it's convenient for us though. All you need is "I'm afraid it's not convenient" over and over again if you feel the arrangement is veering into taking advantage.

Blu · 29/06/2013 18:49

Maybe while you see it as unreciprocated free childcare she simply sees it as play dates and she invites them one at a time.

If she says she can't cope, then maybe she can't. You are in a better position to judge that than us be ausr you know her. Maybe she can't cope with her child, maybe he is v possessive with toys on his own turf when friends come, or something.

Original poster

ProtegeMoi · 29/06/2013 19:36

No it's not something I would feel comfortable discussing with her really, she's a bit touchy when it comes to the children. I'm not going to have them again as I agree its going to affect the friendship with me getting annoyed at it.

To the poster who asked yes her children do ask, they also ask my children to ask me.

Oh and yes she has a partner as do I, the 4 of us are close friends.

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 29/06/2013 19:59

Why don't you get your dc to ask when it's their turn to play at hers?

No, yanbu, it's her turn.

bbcessex · 29/06/2013 20:22

I don't think.she is being unreasonable.by saying she can't cope.. she's being honest. If your son has special needs, then she would need to feel confident in that situation.. and she's told you.she doesn't.

I'm sure you wouldnt want your son to be looked after by someone who is not comfortable. If you feel the relationship is one sided, tone down your level of committment...

Original poster

ProtegeMoi · 29/06/2013 20:43

Bbcessex - her child has the same condition as my son but a milder version, she also spends a lot of time around my son and so knows how to deal with him. She has said she finds it too much, not that she dosnt know how to deal with him.

I suppose that's her choice and I'm not going to push it, I'm just not going to be childcare for her anymore either.

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 29/06/2013 20:47

Ha, i just twigged who you are OP! I should read usernames more :o

Parrot it back to her when she asks - if you can quote her directly, all the better!

PS how are the nappies?

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/06/2013 22:10

"she has a partner as do I, the 4 of us are close friends."
"we are very good friends and get along well."
"She comes to my house every day, we have been on holiday together several times."

And yet -

"No it's not something I would feel comfortable discussing with her really, she's a bit touchy when it comes to the children."

To me, that last statement doesn't match the rest of what you are saying. I know you've said you don't regard her as a user or selfish, but from the outside it looks as if she gets free childcare from this arrangement but has manipulated you (by being 'a bit touchy') so that you have (until now) let the one-sidedness slide.

Flip