To ask the woman "What is your problem?"

[Milkme]

There is a woman at school who obviously disapproves of my DD. I don't understand why exactly, or what to do. She has told her daughter not to play with mine. This is awkward because the girls like each other and are part of a happy, accepting, small class of girls.

My DD is a fun-loving, creative, kind and loyal friend. She is a bit zany, enthusiastic and disorganised but polite and well-liked. The other woman's daughter is very well behaved, sweet, and very bright, but seems confused as she tries to do as her mother says when she is nearby.

The other woman is very competitive and germ-phobic. She has told her daughter that she must excel at school, so she can become a doctor, so I wonder if she is blaming my DD for a disappointing report card?

The woman has scolded my DD several times for normal childish play, both in front of me and when I have not been there. I don't think this is appropriate unless DD was doing something bad or dangerous (which she has not). She makes some bizarre comments, eg "Don't take credit for my daughters work after I take her home today" (to another child in the class).

In conversation the mother makes thinly veiled rude comments to me. Perhaps she thinks I don't notice? I don't want to create friction or a scene, as there are a good number of years together ahead at school, and I am much less part of the mothers clique/quiche

AIBU to ask her what is her problem? Or the other mothers who are more approachable?

don't ask her what her problem is. She will deny that there is a problem and perhaps even adopt victim status as she rebuffs your question. It will also fuel further gossip between her and other Mums (the ones who haven't yet seen her for the fruit loop she obviously is)
Just smile, nod, keep a healthy distance and encourage other friendships. Avoid interacting with her unless entirely necessary. Dd2 had a friend with a mum like this.
I avoided interactions and in the end their friendship fell by the wayside. This friend had similar things happen with other friends. But I doubt her fruit loop mum has realised that it is her bizarre behaviour which puts people off. She's gloriously unaware. As most people like her are.

She sounds horrid, children should be able to choose their own friends unless there is a really good reason. I find one friend especially annoying, really square and pious but they seem to like her so that's up to them.

Would the mumsnet favourite 'did you mean to be so rude?' line work here?

Is she asian by the way! She sounds like half of the women that I know or grew up with. Everything is engineered for upward social mobility so schools, friendships (the well connected the better), careers (Law, medicine, engineering = money & status) and even relationships.

Give this woman a wide berth because her dd will become a nervous wreck trying to please the mother and you don't want your dd to be caught up in it all.

"Is there any way I can make you feel more comfortable with my daughter's presents, if there is let me know ?"

then leave her to decide what to do with that.

It is her problem, make sure your DD understands that, and to let you know if anything is said to her, what is her teachers take on it.

I don't think I would approach her about this, I would however, speak to the class teacher and ask if there is any problem in the class. If necessary the teacher may be able to have a word with the mother and approach it as an independent witness. It would come far better from her than you. Nor do I agree with stepaway, i think that this little girl will need all the friends she can with a mother like this. The school should be made aware of it.

Agree with having a word with the teacher. It doesn't sound as if approaching this person directly would change anything for the better.

She is not Asian, Raisah.

I am Asian that is why I asked. This kind of behaviour is not uncommon amongst the Asian community. I lost 2 good friends due to their parents deciding that I was not a good enough influence. I was not a straight A science student but chose a classics subject instead, which they saw as a complete waste of time. The girls went onto do very well, 1 a surgeon & the other a scientist, but at a significant personal cost.

It's probably an attempt at social engineering by the mother. Your dd is not 'suitable' due to background, family income etc. she is no doubt a twat of the highest order. I would just ignore her.

I wouldn't confront her but I would be very politely cool with her so that she would 'know' I was aware of her frankly weird behaviour. Don't let her intimidate you.

Spare a thought for her poor daughter, she must be expected to reach very high standards.

She's certainly a silly woman. What she fails to realise is that academic achievement may be all very well, but a decent friendship group and a normal social life is a vital part of growing up, so her daughter will have little to thank her for when she gets older. If she's lucky, she won't end up seriously rebelling and getting drunk or high all the time.