I pretty much know I am, but don't know how to change how I feel.

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

I will try to keep this short as its a bit complicated.

Baby is due in october and I'm already having nightmares about how possessive I will feel over baby when the IL's are involved.

I know they have as much right to be in our baby's life as my family, but my gut reaction is to not want baby anywhere near them. Just the thought of them holding her makes me uncomfortable and I fear it's only going to get worse once she's actually here.

In the time that me and DH have been together they have caused us both so much stress that it's got to the point where I am forced to be completely fake with them for dh's sake. I have told him that I will continue to make an effort until he tells me he wants to cut ties (it's been discussed before).

They have put DH down his whole life, nothing he has ever done is good enough, they blow hot and cold so quickly that you cant keep up, they have been so far from supportive when he has been unwell (crohns disease - often v v poorly) and treat him like trash when he has honestly tried to be the best son to them possible (always helping them out, never appreciated though).

FIL can be so nasty it's unreal (squaring up to DH because he has dared to disagree over something, picking on DH and his brother for really personal things to make himself look big, rejecting DH's every attempt to form a better relationship etc), but most of the time just ignores us and mil can be sweet as anything and the next minute screaming in your face. She once verbally attacked me at a time when i was seriously unwell because I had asked her not to tell anyone I was in hospital and she told their whole family (to her it was juicy gossip) and so I politely asked her not to tell anyone else.

They have caused DH to have some serious confidence issues and he really struggles to deal with their rejection a lot of the time. For years he felt as though he deserved to be treated the way they do, and it took a long time for him to see that it's not normal. He literally could not understand the concept of unconditional love, and was almost confused by it.

All of this has made me feel very uncomfortable around them and I'm terrified of how things will be when the baby is born. I know the novelty of the baby will be huge for them at first and I don't know how to deal with how protective I feel of her already. I really don't feel like this with everyone, I'm fine when I think about dh's brother and sil being involved and of course my family etc, but I can't seem to change how I feel about his parents.

I know iabu because our baby is their grandchild too, an they have every right to be in her life but I cant seem to change how I feel. How on earth do I deal with this? Do I just have to suck it up and let them be as involved as they want or where do I create boundaries? I don't want to feel like this but I do :(

By the way sorry if I can't respond immediately as I'm having some trouble with my Internet.

They don't have as much right

Arseholes and wankers just dont.

Feel free to invite healthy non-abusers into your child's life and limit contact with arseholes.

It's perfectly natural not to want to hand your baby over to such unpleasant people. You need to talk to your dh about it. He needs to put you and your baby first though.

They don't have any right to be in your DD's life - none at all.

I actually think I would talk to DH now, tell him how you feel and explain to him that you don't want them near you or your DD and that it is probably better for his mental health not to be around them either - but that, of course, must be his decision. Explain to him that you can see the damage they have done to him, that the things they have done to you are unacceptable and that you are not prepared to allow them near your DD.

They are vile you are more than justified in how you feel x

presumably if they are so horrible to him, you don't invite them over that often?

They have no 'rights' at all regarding your baby, and it would be odd if you were happy to let these people near your baby.

It's your responsibility to protect you child from toxic people, even if they are relatives. Obviously they are not going to have much influence over a newborn, but do you want them to mess up your child like they do it's father?

DH thinks that they won't be that bothered about being involved but I think he is wrong. I have had lots of texts off of his mum since iv been pregnant and suddenly they want to see me. They have never been bothered about making an effort with me, and I'm pretty sure once this baby is no longer inside me they will go back to not being bothered about me again.

They also know she's a girl and as they never had a girl are even more excited. I actually wished she was a boy because they wouldn't be nearly as bothered.

They are still in our lives because no matter how much they hurt DH he still wants to make it work, and tries again and again. They also trick you into thinking they hav sorted their act out and then go back to how they were before.

For example, DH has been in hospital until a few days ago. The day he was admitted for emergency surgery he saw his dad and told him he wasn't well. Fil's response was 'oh, we'll im going to golf.' They then turned up at the hospital in the middle of the night, fil apparently out of his mind with worry. They then visited every day he was in hospital, but now he's home we haven't heard anything.

DH phoned him to say he was thinking of going fishing in a few weeks once he's recovered and asked fil if fhe'd like to go with. His response was 'no, it's not my sort of thing'. Fil goes fishing all the time, he just didn't want to go with DH. Again, DH feels completely rejected after fil making it seem like he was changing his act.

I have wanted to cut ties a million times, but it has to be dh's decision.

Being a grandmother I usually hate 'anti-in-law' threads and I do try and defend them where possible.

This time, it's not possible.

Normal, loving grandparents (however pushy!) deserve to be in your baby's life.
Toxic, spiteful, hateful grandparents don't.

Can your DH go to counselling to get help to see what his parents have done to him to either help him deal with them, or cut them out?

Show him the Stately Homes thread on Relationships. It may show him he's not alone and that these people can be dealt with.

And please, don't let them near your baby.

Also DH says he won't let them act like that around the baby, but he still can't stand up to them. He is so conditioned to accept their behaviour it's almost impossible. His brother is the same.

First of all they don't actually have any 'rights' when it comes to your child. There are not many people who don't want their parents or parents in law involved but it seems like it will be very difficult for you to feel comfortable around your IL's. I would suggest speaking to your DH and making it very clear what you are willing to put up with, if he's had that sort of upbringing then he'll be inclined to let a lot more slide than is acceptable.

This is YOUR child and therefore YOUR job to protect it any way you see fit. You'll probably find that once baby arrives you'll feel even more strongly and all your instincts will guide you better than we can!!

Good luck!!

He has let them 'act like that' around you. He has allowed them to scream at you.

Tell him that while you appreciate that he wouldn't want them to do that, you can't see him actually stopping them :(

Chipping we have had conversations along those lines and I have to say there has been an improvement. Recently mil phoned out of the blue to have a go at DH for being poorly (his dad got him his job, DH had not taken any time off at all, but had collapsed at work, this apparently was out of order as could somehow affect fil's job, so mil was v angry) and I answered the phone. Mil was very aggressive with me, and DH told her its not on, but didn't stand up for himself. I wish he cared as much about how they treat him as he does me now.

I think you should her hour thread moved to the Relationship section. There are loads of helpful and supportive posters, sadly with a lot of experience

You'd be failing your child if you let these fuckwits into their lives.

Starting point is that grandparents do have a right to be involved in their grandchildren's lives. But they can lose that right if they are a toxic, unsuitable influence.

The one thing I would say is that little babies aren't really aware of who comes in and out of their lives, but when they are older they are, so you need to decide at some point (not immediately after the birth) whether the grandparents are going to be involved or not, and what that actually means. And then be consistent. It's not fair on children if it is a uncertain relationship eg will they send a birthday card this year or not?

I could have written your thread with only a few minor details changed. Sil didn't know how to get to our house and needed a satnav when ds was born...we had only lived there for 13 years at that point...you can see how many visit we had! Pil never visited and rarely kept in touch...it was all us keeping the relationship going until ds came along and we never had so many calls and visits! And it didn't improve relations especially when sil thought she was entitled to an opinion on everything and mil bluntly told.dh and I she wasn't interested in seeing us just ds.

You have every right to protect your child from bad influences and they sound just that...completely unstable.and toxic. It's difficult when people blow hot and cold...it makes you doubt yourself when they are acting nice.

My pil are bullies and dh has found it difficult to deal with them and I worried like you but dh was so protective with ds and I and fortunately for me dh knew what his parent are like. Some men don't see it! It took for ds to be here and pil and sil to be their usual crapness at it's best for dh to stand up and literally roar! And so did I on a different occassion.

I had vile.comments made about me by mil and sil regarding anything I chose re ds especially breastfeeding....be strong on your choices, I'm not saying don't take advice, just don't be bullied.

If you don't protect your dd no-one will!

Oh and yadnbu!!

I'm pleased that he has improved re standing up for you - even if not for himself.

When you have had the baby you are going to be much more vulnerable, you will feel much more protective of her and will be much more easily upset by their behaviour/criticism/handling of DD. If you are going to 'give it a go' to see how it goes, DH is going to need to know all that and understand he has to protect both you and your DD no matter what. No matter how much it 'upsets' his parents or how much of a strop it causes. What you say goes - end of.

Frankly, I think it would be much easier & nicer to just tell him 'no contact' for you or DD, but I can understand that you might not feel you can do that yet :(

Try to not worrying about this too much. You focus on you and baby. When issues come up you will deal with it.

We have interesting family dynamics with the Inlaws.

I have taken the tact of doing what is in the interests if our children. Though it is probably easier for us as they live nearly 2hrs away. I have not officially stopped contact but we have been very busy for months at times when trouble has started. I do email photos so they cannot say I don't do contact - but I am in control of it.

My eldest is now 8 and seeing for himself the issues with no input from us. He loves them and they do love him. But he is realising their behaviour is different.

Catsrule - funny how people suddenly care when there is a baby involved. And you are definitely right that when they are nice it makes you doubt yourself!! I keep thinking oh, they have realised the error of their ways and things are going to be better and then they do something even worse. Actually it's DH the one asking me why I'm surprised each time now!!

Chipping - If this baby had come along a few years ago I would have been really worried that DH would let them get away with it all and treat us badly, but he has really realised how toxic they are over the last couple of years. The next step is standing up for himself too, but I'm pretty sure that he will be a bit like Catsrule's DH and the protective side of him will make him finally roar!

I feel a bit stupid for thinking that I have to let them have as much contact as my family. I thought anything other than that was me being out of order to be honest, despite my gut telling me the complete opposite. I think we may have to be 'very busy' a lot of the time. I just don't want to be accused of stopping them from seeing their gc, especially as I have a lot of contact with my family.

Any chance of your DP going to counselling?

At the very least you need some very strong ground rules about how they behave towards you all generally and in your house. They break them you tell them that their behaviour is not acceptable and you won't put up with it then put the phone down, leave wherever you are, or kick them out of your house.

I've asked DH about counselling before but he absolutely 100% refused.

I think you are all right, I think it will come to the point where if they can't prove they can be a stable loving influence in our baby's life they will have to be cut out. Until now it's been just me and DH, so I haven't felt its my place to put my foot down about it, but I need to protect our baby from their toxicity. I really hope that DH will be the one to make the decision but if he can't then I will. Really scary though!!

I was in a similar situation and I can't offer much constructive advice as we simply moved to the other side of the world. I do think that you are allowed to BU in those first few weeks and i really wouldn't worry about the early days, but maybe talk through how he will try and deal with them to save you the stress. All the best

If I had the option to move them to the other side of the world I would take it!!