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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get frustrated with travelling OH?

22 replies

Toomuchtimeonmyhands · 29/06/2013 08:00

Hi,

My OH travels a lot for work. He's away at least half the time, usually Monday to Friday then maybe a week at home. I'm not upset about this in principle - We knew this when he took it & I encouraged him to take the job as it was a great opportunity for him & more money for all of us :) And he loves it, which is great as he has had some not-so-nice jobs in the past. However...

While he's away he's not very good at keeping in touch. We get a text maybe every day or two & he'll call a couple of days in the week. But this last 10-day trip he only called twice. I feel a bit offended but tbh I think it's a bit poor for the kids. They don't say anything but they really look forward to him coming back & I'm sure it's because he basically just disappears while he's away! He could Skype them or something & I'm not sure why he doesn't. He says he's busy - which he is - but so are we & we'd still like to talk to him..!

Then after he got back on Thursday from this longer-than-usual trip, I was at work & I didn't actually realise he'd got in at lunchtime as he didn't call or text to say he was back in the country. Is it me or is that a bit weird? When I called him on it he said "you knew I was coming back today" - but that's not the point?!

Then (finally!) he'd bought the kids some electronic gadgetry while he was away & spent the first hour putting it all together. I was very offended that he couldn't even sit down with me (& them but then they don't get so easily offended!) to have a chat swop all our news from the week.

So - thanks for bearing with me! - AIBU to think he should be a bit more communicative both while he's away & when he gets back..? I do nag him a bit but I'm starting to think maybe I'm being soppy?!

All contributions welcome!

TMTOMH xxx

OP posts:

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 29/06/2013 08:03

Extremely weird to me.

Expecting more than a couple of phone calls in a 10 day period for his partner and children (!!!) is not being soppy.

I am Ms Unsoppy of Hardsville but even I can see that is unacceptable.

Cerisier · 29/06/2013 08:05

YANBU. My DH went to the US for a trip a few years ago. I didn't hear from him from when he left the house until he walked back in ten days later. I was extremely unimpressed.

He has got a bit better since and will usually call once a day when he is away. He never brings any of us anything though, not even a bit of duty free. I feel your pain.

littlewhitebag · 29/06/2013 08:05

That would drive me mad. My DH travels a lots and tries to keep in touch but sometimes time zone difference make it hard. He always e mails though.

He worked away for 5 years - away Mon-Fri then home weekends. DD2 was really little then and he used to call in the evenings and read to her over the phone. It was really sweet but he had a few when he opened his briefcase at a meeting and a Flower Fairies book fell out!

I think your OH needs to try harder to keep in touch. I don't think they realise how lonely you get without them.

littlewhitebag · 29/06/2013 08:07

cerisier the trick with the duty free is to specify exactly what you want before he goes and make sure you text him with the details so he can't say he forgot. I always get him to buy me my Clarins products from duty free.

adagio · 29/06/2013 08:11

Pre baby I used to travel a lot - UK and Europe. I would pretty much always text a 'Good Morning Sweet Pea/Pumpkin/Baby/Honey' one liner and aim for a call a day at some point, unless I explicitly arranged not to (e.g. out for corporate dinner straight from late meetings).

However, I am female!

In fairness, DH has also done some travel and is exactly the same, but that may be because I had already set the precedent...

Curioustiger · 29/06/2013 08:14

I travel tons with work. Contact once a day, of whatever kind, is the absolute minimum. If it can only be text fair enough but he should attempt a phone call every day. YADNBU

eurozammo · 29/06/2013 08:31

Odd. I'm the one who travels and even when very busy I can manage a text or email a day. I tend not to call home much though ( due to cost and time). I always text as soon as I land too.

dopeysheep · 29/06/2013 08:39

Sounds very inconsiderate. Bet he wouldn't like it if he was at home and you all left him without so much as a text for days.
Why doesn't he want to speak to his family, it's strange. I could understand if it was a rare trip away but all the time?
Odd.

learnasyougo · 29/06/2013 08:57

could he have come home unannounced because colleaugues telling horror stories of wives in bed with other men?

I think regular skype sessions for the kids are essential.

KirjavaTheCat · 29/06/2013 09:09

Yanbu. My OH works 11am-9:30pm and calls on his breaks, and to tell me he's left and is on his way home. It's common courtesy! Plus he likes to talk to DS on his lunchbreak, he misses him.

It's very strange. Has he always been a bit uncommunicative? I know it took us having DS for OH to start calling about as he called it 'inconsequential' things like when he'd be home, or to see how I was . He has a family, he should want to check in!

postmanpatscat · 29/06/2013 10:22

DP has travelled a lot over the last 18 months, mostly to Australia and far east so time differences have a big impact. We text a couple of times during the day, email most days and Skype every night, which sometimes means me staying up until 11pm and him getting up at 6am, as I'm at work when he finishes for the day. Because of the distance, they have been long trips of between 2 and 6 weeks.

parttimer79 · 29/06/2013 11:58

DP travels a lot with work. Contact is daily even if it is just a text when time zones make Skype impossible, he is in touch more at the moment as I am in 3rd trimester of pregnancy and he is a leeetle bit worried I'll go into early labour!
so no YANBU

Cerisier · 29/06/2013 13:04

littlewhitebag that is a good idea

AllSWornOut · 29/06/2013 13:26

We both travel a lot for work and email and text at least once a day when away and when we board a plane or land safely. Depending on the time difference we will call for breakfast and/or dinner/bed time at least every other day.

We both try to bring a duty free treat home for the OH (again depending on how long away and destination) and for DC, but it's not systematic as we do travel a lot.

Your OH is BU and thoughtless.

AllSWornOut · 29/06/2013 13:32

Perhaps I should add that we are possibly slightly more thoughtful towards each other because we know how much fun it (usually) is on work travel and what a thankless slog it can be dealing with DC as well as working full time while the other one's away.

Not that it's any excuse really, but I have had trips which have been so hectic and with weird time differences that I have forgotten to get in touch for a day or two, and that's with having first hand knowledge of how hard it can be at home too.

Original poster

Toomuchtimeonmyhands · 29/06/2013 22:31

Thanks for all your comments everybody.

Good to know I'm not being needy (albeit on the children's behalf!) I will let it go for now but bring it up next time he's going away - strict instructions that he has to text at least!

Loving all the ideas about present-buying...

And parttimer79 - good luck with the next few weeks!

TMTOMH xxx

OP posts:

MrsMook · 29/06/2013 22:39

DH rings for a short call most evenings when he's away. If he knows he'll be out in the evening he'll usually warn me. Sometimes he slips up and misses a night.

We have occasionally had situations when time differences have been a problem. The worst one was when I went travelling for 3 weeks and didn't manage to get the right balance of a payphone at a sensible time of day.

WhoBU · 29/06/2013 23:31

Bit different as I'm the one who works away, am female and we don't have children yet, but when I'm away I make sure I call at least once a day, then a text when I go to bed. Almost all the people I work with (predominantly men with children) call home/their wife between finishing work and going out for dinner. YANBU at all.

thaliablogs · 30/06/2013 07:51

Yanbu but def worth a chat. When I travel for work I try to call once or twice a day but sometimes time zones and work schedules get in the way and I realise I've missed the children's bedtime etc. I don't bring presents every time as I used to and then the children weren't interested, just wanted to see me! So prob need to help him see how important it is, then figure out when and how to call etc.

HollyBerryBush · 30/06/2013 08:09

This sort of thing really depends on the dynamic of your relationship.

DH used to go away a fair bit and you could guarantee he would phone me the instant I walked through the door, with 3 short people, bags of shopping, dying for the loo - I call it the arsenic hour. It has taken me 20 years to train him to NOT phone me because he is bored in traffic.

When he is away, all I require is a ph call to say he got there in one piece. I do not need the nightly reassurances or catch ups, I can't say the children were bereft at not getting a nightly ph call either.

On the other hand DH likes all that banal chit chat so I do phone him when I'm away. It keeps him happy.

What do partners and children of people on really restricted jobs do? You can hardly phone home if you are policing a demo, or attending an RTA or even spending 4 months on ops in a submarine.

Mrsrobertduvall · 30/06/2013 08:18

I'm a bit like HollyBerryBush.

Dh used to travel a lot, and all I needed was a "I'm here " " I'm on my way back" sort of communication.
Depends how old your children are too.

But then we do not phone/text during the day, skype when he takes ds to Australia at Christmas...had no communication for nearly 3 weeks then.
I am going away on my own for 5 days in a couple of weeks....he will get a "got here" text and that will be it.
That's just us.

CMOTDibbler · 30/06/2013 08:29

I think that contact with home can be really difficult tbh. I'm the overseas traveller in this house (dh does UK and Ireland).

As DH works FT, theres very little opportunity to speak to him and ds at home on weekdays. I therefore only usually manage a text a day, but always one to say I've arrived safely. I know that if DH needs to tell me something he'll email/text/call, and he knows that if theres something really important he'll get to know. My working away life is very boring, so I don't have much to say.

I don't do presents btw.

If you need to chat, then why not text dh? Sounds like the kids aren't bothered (mine isn't either), so the contact is something you want, not dh, so why don't you initiate?

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