AIBU to think this marriage is foolish?

[lowercase]

Exh announced this eve that he is getting married to a Thai lady he has met 4 times.

AIBU to think the worst?
That he is being used?

Would love to hear IABU, and some success stories...

Speak wise ones...

Well it's certainly a bit of a gamble... And he clearly is rushing headlong into it. I can see why you are suspicious. On the other hand stranger things have worked. Is he generally impulsive? Could he be having a mid life crisis? Do you have dcs with him?

You're probably right it's not a brilliant move, and possibly right he's being used, but who really knows?

Maybe he knows both those things and isn't bothered?

I dispute your claim you'd love to hear you ABU though

We do have a DC, hence I would love to hear IABU.

I hope he finds happiness but I am cynical in this case.

I wouldn't say you are BU. It may well be a disaster. But beyond making sure it doesn't negatively impact your dc I don't think there's much you can do, really.

I'm not sure which of the 2 is being used. .....

I can see it'd be worrying if you have DC with him, Lower, but if you see it as a transaction, (and there are plenty of radical feminists who see marriage in general as a financial transaction, even prostitution) he's has the same risk/chance of being happy as anyone else I suppose.

I think it's a crap decision, but it is his to make, so there's not a lot you can say.

I see a few Thai women married to much older men/less attractive (I know that sounds shallow) men. They have small children to bring up in a country far from their friends and families. I often hope they are happy.

I also know a couple of English people who have Thai wives (they live in Thailand) and the relationships seem to work out there.

Many Thai women live in desperate poverty and are hoping for a better life but I'm sure most would prefer a love match.

I hope it works out.

I thought that softy, I asked him about his motives...

Such healthy, balanced posts.

I love you lot.

YABU because, children or not, you are no longer married.

YANBU because you know him, and well... it's seems rushed.

I suppose it's easy to say let him make his own mistakes, and what else can you do? Much harder not to worry, or have an opinion.

Time will tell.

For the record, I know a couple of people who've married Thai women... internet 'dating' for a short amount of time, makes me feel uncomfortable. One of the couples though has been together for 23 years, and if I were a gambling person I would have lost a lot of money as they were the couple I thought were least likely to succeed, and 'his' wife is absolutely wonderful... so I cannot say YANBU to think it doomed, because I know that it isn't always the case.

YANBU at all to feel worried, especially for your children.

Personally, though it would stick I would wish him luck and happiness BUT ask him to go slowly with the children, she should be no more than a 'friend' for a while as far as the children are concerned. Perhaps later the complete truth will be the right way, a good lesson that love is weird.

Tell him to sort his will out and all financial things relating to the kids.

One person I know left half of everything to her dc, they were specifically named in the will to prevent dh number 2 from inheriting everything & leaving her dc penniless.

He is an adult so can choose what he wants to do ith his life. Your responsibility is to make sure that your child doesnt suffer from any poor judgement on his part.

Can they not live together first / have a long engagement to sort out compatibility issues? If she
refuses to comply with this then she is marrying him for his passport. Gently mention to him that the home office rules regarding none EU spouses and visa has changed and they might find themselves living apart for several years before they are granted permission to live together.

He might reconsider if he has all the visa facts in front of him.
Dont mention that he is making a mistake as it will make him more determined to do it. Just say that you heard the rules have changed & a lot more partners are being deported. And that you hope that hes got all the advice that he needs.

That might just make him determined to get her pregnant asap

Internet dating can mean all sorts of things; from an oldfashioned letter-based courtship, where you gradually get to know each other very well, to a cynical picking of a rich older partner/sexually attractive younger partner. But then meeting somebody in the pub in your own country is no guarantee that they are what they seem either.

A relative of mine has been married for nearly 15 years to a Chinese lady whom he first met over an internet forum. There is absolutely no doubt that theirs is a real marriage in every sense of the word: she loves him deeply (and is loved by him), is totally committed to him and their children, has learnt the language, fitted into the culture and forged herself a new career so as to be able to contribute to the family.

My own relationship with (foreign) dh predates the internet (yes, we're that old!), but it was one of those holiday romances that we are all warned against. I had known dh for the grand total of 2 weeks when I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. We had a 10 years' courtship, living in different countries for most of the time, before we married. Have now been married very happily for 20 years.

I think when you do something out of the way like this, you have to go into it with your eyes open and be aware that you are taking a risk. Sometimes risk taking pays off, sometimes it doesn't.

Thanks for all the feedback...

Don't mean to drip feed but it has emerged that this lady has two children who live with their Thai father.
Apparently it is the 'Thai way'....

Anybody else have anything to add?