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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be sick of criticism about household jobs?

16 replies

NotAnOstrich · 28/06/2013 20:49

Hi,
I'm feeling like a domestic skivvy whose work is not appreciated. But I might be overanalysing - would like the view of Mumsnet jury. Kids are 4 and 2. I work 2 days a week, home with kids otherwise. Sorry, bit of a rant.

I was just putting dinner on the hob when DH came home - been away for 2 days, including a partial night shift. He asked "how long has it been cooking" - apparently to help, but I took it as a criticism. He said "it's not my fault the dinner is late, is it?"

He went to sit in the front room then decided to take the kids to the supermarket to buy himself beer. He looked for the kids' shoes which are wet from heavy rain at the park - still on the kitchen floor as today has been hectic and last night bedtime was awful. They can wear their wellies. He said "the shoes are still there - wet - from yesterday???" As in, I should have put them to dry out.

I said "we need groceries" and he said "great, another thing that hasn't been done." A few more cross words and he left, shouting back from the door with the kids "say goodbye to mean mummy".

Usually I would finish the dinner, but I felt angry. I am being made redundant in two weeks and really worried about even more of the household stuff falling only to me. I think the "mean" comment tipped me over. So I went for a walk and left a note "Cook your own food".

I suppose I hoped that he would phone me when he got the note and apologise. But he didn't. He got the car and went back out with the kids.

When I came home they weren't here - I phoned and no answer. They came back later and had eaten at the supermarket cafe. We haven't spoken since and I have left him to do bedtime.

It is the assumption that only he can have had a hard few days "at work" that hurts the most. He doesn't ask how my days at home are.

What next? Do I apologise to keep the peace and move on?

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 28/06/2013 20:53

My gut reaction is that you need to communicate. And communicate like grow ups.

MsBuzz · 28/06/2013 20:54

Draw up a rota:
He works 5 sevenths of a week and you work 2 sevenths. That means that he does 2 sevenths of the housework/childcare/cooking and you do 5 sevenths.....

NatashaBee · 28/06/2013 20:56

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Triumphoveradversity · 28/06/2013 21:01

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morethanpotatoprints · 28/06/2013 21:11

hello OP.

I am a sahm and perhaps do a bit more than dh but he still has to be prepared to help. I expected far more from him when the dc were little.
it does sound like he is stressed though and I agree you need to talk like grown ups. calling you mean mummy in front of the dc was out of order as shit sticks. They would get into trouble for repeating this and rightly so.
Tell him that was not on and you won't tolerate it any more. Tell him that you've had a tough couple of days, then ask how his has been etc.

NotAnOstrich · 28/06/2013 21:14

Thanks - I know we need to communicate better. And i need to be more of an adult and get a grip.

I am pretty miserable in general and it is a bit too easy to take it out on DH as he is the nearest target.

OP posts:
NotAnOstrich · 28/06/2013 21:17

He has come downstairs from bedtime and apologised for the "mean mummy" comment. And some of the criticism.

Said that I can be a bit too grumpy when he comes home and I could be a bit nicer. Which is true.

I agree, redundancy stress is getting to both of us. Thanks for replying to my rant. :-)

OP posts:
InsanelyBrainDeprived · 28/06/2013 21:32

I'm a sahm... Do 99% of housework but that is my choice. I like the place tidy/kids happy and fed (they are 3 and 1) and tea sorted.

However he doesn't bat an eyelid if I've had a bad day and toys still out, and no tea sorted. He will pitch in and insist I sit down while he cooks.

No brainier to us....yes he's out at work... But in his words that's a damn sight easier and a lot less hours than looking after house and young children. Plus he has two lives work and home. I only have one - home. So in s

InsanelyBrainDeprived · 28/06/2013 21:33

Some ways he gets a break.

That's how we see it.

NotAnOstrich · 28/06/2013 21:58

Thanks - that is a helpful perspective.

I think I am jealous of his time away from the house and feel like he gets "a break". even though I know logically he works hard. He feels I see the kids more - which is true.

I just find the domestic / household stuff really depressing and hard to stay on top of. Bit worried about school hols, less money etc. Will resolve to talk about things more openly anyway. If we can work as a team and not fight, that would be a good outcome.

OP posts:
InsanelyBrainDeprived · 28/06/2013 22:07

Its hard and I resent his ''adult' time, lunch breaks meeting colleagues for coffee. Nights out etc.

Logical brain says this is what he has to do to keep his job secure - networking and all that.

But inside I think how fucking nice to stroll around without two small children demanding stuff.

Tbf... Neither of us has had time with each other since our first was born. And dh would rather return to a mess and happy wife than pristine and grumpy wife. But In my mind u want everything perfect. That's my problem ...my anxiety and OCD.

Communication. Sit down together when you are both relaxed and talk. Tell him how you feel, listen to how he feels. Try to have an evening out together, even if its just a couple hours and on that night give each other time to get ready, nice bath etc. makes the works of difference xxx

NotAnOstrich · 28/06/2013 22:23

Ha ha - my DH gets a messy house AND a grumpy wife!not a good deal!

I know what you mean - DH sometimes does after-work drinks and networks with colleagues. On a good day I don't mind and I can see it is important - on a tired toddler-filled day it makes me angry!

We are trying to book a night away in a hotel soon which would be something to look forward to. Our communication and relationship as a couple - not just parents - definitely needs some more effort.

OP posts:
maddening · 28/06/2013 23:27

I'd say he came home looking for an argument.

Roshbegosh · 28/06/2013 23:34

I don't want to criticise you and I understand you were struggling to manage on that particular day but in his defence, it is hard to come home from work to chaos. It is supposed to be a refuge and he was probably tired after being away and doing a night shift. He came home and had to do everything and you were in a bad mood. I know we can be like that and I am not judging you, just saying how it might have felt for him.

Tommy · 28/06/2013 23:39

it is bloody hard work - especially when the children are so young. Hang in there - it does pass - honest!
I often think of that cartoon about the dad who arrives home and finds the house in a total mess and the wife says "you know you always ask what did I do all day? Well, today I didn't do it...." My DSs are older but I still think that DH has no idea what goes on in the house before and after school.

Triumphoveradversity · 29/06/2013 10:29

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