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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious with DH and his ex wife?

22 replies

Whatthefeck · 28/06/2013 10:44

They lied to their DD and never told her she wasn't DH's biological daughter. They changed the birth certificate to name him as the father and DH's ex never intended to or wanted to tell her the truth. A couple of years ago, DSD asked her Mum outright if DH was her real father and her Mum said of course he was, where on earth had she got that idea from.

All extended family members have known about this for years and it was highly likely DSD would find out at some point. She has now confronted her Mum again and said she knows for a fact DH is not her birth father, after reading some papers her Mum had in the house saying as much apparently. Dh spoke to DSD last night after her Mum rang and DSD didn't even mention it at all and DH didn't bring it up, they both just chatted like she didn't even know!!!

DH and his ex are both 'sweep it under the carpet' types as is DSD, but she has a history of self harm and eating disorders and I am now very worried about her but feel there is nothing I can do to help in any way. I have suggested that DH goes to see DSD to discuss immediately after work today, but he won't go until Monday, combining with with a work trip! His ex hasn't done anything except cry it seems and I feel they both, but particularly DH, should be doing more to help their DD come to terms with this.

DSD is 21, BTW.

OP posts:

AllYoursBabooshka · 28/06/2013 10:55

YANBU.

She's an adult and has confronted them, she deserves to know the truth.

I'm not sure what you can do though, it must be a horrible position to be in.

needaholidaynow · 28/06/2013 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/06/2013 11:10

Oh shit, poor girl. This is one of the worst things a parent can do. It is inexcusable because the effects are always the same - the child grows up aware that there is a secret being kept from him/her, and it turns into a belief that there is something bad/wrong/strange about the child him/herself. Then the child finds out and it's the ultimate betrayal - the people closest to you have been lying to you for the whole of your life.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 28/06/2013 11:15

Did you post about this last time?

If not, there's another step parent on MN going through exactly the same thing :(

It is a total disgrace and tbh I would really struggle to maintain a relationship with my DH if he acted like this.

needaholidaynow - why the hell did your mother tell you, if they didn't intend to tell your brother, that's terrible. Your brother deserves to know the truth - but I can see why you don't want to be the one to tell him. Do you know who his biological father is? I think you should make your parents tell him.

EldritchCleavage · 28/06/2013 11:57

Happened in my family. The lad concerned did guess. On the surface all is ok, he is close to stepfather but this is going to be just another nail in the coffin of relationship with mother (stepfather wanted to tell him from the off, mother threatened not to let him adopt and then after their break-up, not to let stepfather have access unless he went along with the lie).

It is unbelievably selfish.

ThisReallyIsNotSPNopeNotAtAll · 28/06/2013 12:03

I found out my dad wasn't my biological father at 8 after finding my birth certificate. It hasn't bothered me or affected me in any way and I wouldn't say my mum and dad were selfish for doing it either.

It was for my own interest why I was told. My bio dad was/is an arsehole and I wish I had never been told. In the end he adopted me when I was 11

needaholidaynow · 28/06/2013 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 28/06/2013 12:46

need :( Such a bloody mess isn't it. I feel for your Mum and understand her worry that he will disown her, but she is risking your relationship with your brother as well and most importantly denying him the right to know his biological family and that's not right. What happens when he finds out (and he will) if she has already died? Are there others who know who his father is? It is hard enough to have 'unasked/unanswered' questions when a parent dies - something of this magnitude would be very difficult to deal with. Feel free not to answer if you don't want to!!

needaholidaynow · 28/06/2013 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellThatsLife · 28/06/2013 13:28

They need to tell her the truth. I was the kid who thought my stepdad was my dad, I found out when I was eleven that he wasn't. I worked it out as I didn't look like anyone else(all fair hair, skin and blue eyes while I am very dark), also some people who knew my mum when she was married to my dad called me x a not x y(my stepdads's' name) and I knew a was not my mums' maiden name. I asked why the friends called me x a and she said she tell me when I was older. I walked away in tears, my fears confirmed, just remember being so angry that she wouldn't tell me the truth. She did tell me not long afterwards but only because she and my stepdad had been having argument in front of us and apprently he had shouted out" the children, i've only got one child as you have so often pointed out to me." I hadn't actually heard that as they were arguing so much that I blanked them out but she didn't know that so felt she had to tell me the truth. Our relationship was never the same afterwards as I felt deep down that I couldn't trust her and she wouldn't have told me the truth if she hadn't been backed into a corner.

They need to tell her the truth and be honest or the secret may sour their relationship as it did mine with my dm

By the way my stepdad always treated me the same as my dsister(his dd) even after he and dm split up. He saw me as his dd and had brought me up from 4yrs old

poshfrock · 28/06/2013 14:29

These stories are all so sad. Aside from the devastating emotional impact it has on these individuals when they find out the truth, as they inevitably do, what about the more practical aspects? For example what about family medical history? How awful to maybe go through life believing yourself to be at risk of a medical condition such as breast cancer or heart disease which is in "your " family when in fact there may be no such risk? We have a hereditary condition in my family which is not life threatening but which affects all my brothers, my son and my grandfather. I was prepared for my son to be affected and so he was diagnosed at an early age because I knew what to look for. If you don't know, how can you be prepared?

AThingInYourLife · 28/06/2013 14:38

That poor woman.

How could her mother repeatedly lie to her face?

I can kind of see how the never telling could come about, but this is outright lies and when lots of other people know the truth!

Not cool at all.

Shit for you to be in the middle of this :(

mrsjay · 28/06/2013 14:52

Poor girl what were they playing at that is not fair on her, maybe they wanted toprotect her when she was little but she is a grown woman now and need to know the truth

EldritchCleavage · 28/06/2013 15:10

The only ray of light in our case is that the lad can see stepfather and the entire extended family love and accept him as one of them. He knows they don't regard him any differently from his half-siblings. But yes, he had a right to know about his father and try to meet him, at least.

I think your DH should raise it with DSD, if only to emphasise the love and acceptance aspect. That's the positive for her-someone not her bio father loves her, has stayed there for her through break-up etc. She's not in a precarious position, he'll always be there for her.

Triumphoveradversity · 28/06/2013 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/06/2013 20:15

I was adopted as a very small baby. However, I grew up knowing this, as my parents told me, in age-appropriate ways, so there was never any Terrible Secret to overcome. They did this partly against the general advice at the time which was to keep it quiet, partly because they had heard stories of other people finding out they were adopted and being very distressed. If there is one message I would really like to get out to the whole world it's never LIE about a child's biological parentage.

MammaTJ · 28/06/2013 20:21

YANBU!! It needs to be talked about and your DH needs to tell her he is her Dad by choice if not biology!

Original poster

Whatthefeck · 01/07/2013 23:22

Sorry for the delay in replying...

DSD already knew the truth when I started this thread, I'm not sure if that was clear.

Anyway, DH has gone to see her and they have spoken about it, although I'm not really sure how or what has been said, as it transpires that DSD is now aware that all of the family etc know about this, but she does not want anyone to know she knows, including her brother, who is her Mum and DH's biological child. This also, apparently, includes the DC myself and DH have not knowing. DSD has apparently known for years.

I don't think this is at all healthy and have told DH as much. I am furious as I feel like he/they are making exactly the same mistake again and I am not prepared to lie to my own DC about this.

DH thinks DSD's wishes should be followed. I do understand where he is coming from, but I don't think more lies are the answer. I feel DH is dealing with all this very badly.

Am in in the wrong? Should I lie to keep DSD's 'secret'?

OP posts:

2pinklines · 02/07/2013 09:35

DP has a friend who has done this with his ex. he got with her when the little girl was 1 and he went on to have 3 more children with her and raised them all as his own, all the family obviously know this secret but the girl is now 14, is luckily really close to he "dad" and hes wonderful to them all and treats them equally.

I do feel for the poor girl though when she finds out she will be heartbroken, not at finding out he isnt her real dad but at being lied to by the people she loved so much. I know that i couldnt do it and im amazed at how some people can to be honest.

Op i agree with you that lies should be covered up with more lies but at the same time its your dsd life and if she chooses to ignore it for now then it will only be a matter of time before it comes up again as it cant be ignored forever, 1 day she will wonder and start to look for her real father. I think for now its best to do what she wants as its her stuck in the middle of all this.

Original poster

Whatthefeck · 02/07/2013 14:27

Tbh, I think the way this has been dealt with might mean the end of my marriage. DH won't tell me what has been said or what has happened, except as DSS was there too and DSD didn't want him to know, that they spoke about all this while DSS 'went outside for a fag'. I mean, what the actual fuck? How on earth do you have that conversation in a fag break? He is now ignoring my calls/texts and frankly, behaving like an utter arsehole, which he has form for.

I am obviously worried about DSD and wonder if she is just not saying much about it so as not to upset anyone, which she has form for.

OP posts:

chrome100 · 02/07/2013 15:56

I had a boyfriend at University who had a very similar family situation. His cousin had had a baby very young, at around aged 14, and her mother (the child's grandma) was raising it as her own. I always thought this was a dreadful idea.

morethanpotatoprints · 02/07/2013 16:02

These stories are terrible, it is a fundamental right to know your true identity and your roots. I can't believe people are so selfish when it comes to this. My dad rest his soul knew his step father wasn't his biological Dad growing up in the 1930's so it can't be that people are scared of societies moral stand on this.

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