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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dad coming to stay

19 replies

hypermum1 · 28/06/2013 10:26

So, my dad, who lives a good distance from me, has had a row with his partner (they are both 75 by the way) and now wants a bit of an escape from her so wants to come and stay with my family and I. I have 2 boys aged 8 and 10, a husband and am 7 months pregnant. I understand he needs a break, however, he is a very difficult house guest. As an example, he belches loudly, he takes his socks off and sits there with his bare feet all over our coffee table in the evenings (when I am trying to teach my children good manners), he stays up later than us (midnight onwards) then comes to bed turning all the lights on and generally banging around. He doesnt mean to be offensive, he just has no self awareness what so ever! I always find his visits very stressful for these reasons. I can just about handle a long weekend but Know he is wanting to stay for at least a week. Added to the above we have no spare room as we are currently in the process of decorating one room for the nursery, so we have no bed to put him in. He cant sleep on a blow up bed as he has recently had back surgery. This means I will have to turf the boys out of their shared room so he can go in there and they will have to go on a blow up bed for a week (which they probably wont mind). we have always had a bit of a strained relationship as when we were little he used to go in to these "moods" where he would stop speaking to everyone for a month or 2 at a time. His heart is in the right place and I feel bad slating him as he is a good person, but I just find his visits so difficult. And what with being 7 month pregnant, am not looking forward to the stress. Any suggestions? Am I being a total cow?

OP posts:
Katisha · 28/06/2013 10:28

Nope. Just tell him its not a good time for you. You don' have to be a doormat. He needs to sort it out with his partner FFS.

hypermum1 · 28/06/2013 10:37

I know! My thoughts exactly! But I feel really guilty as this happened last year (we had him for 2 weeks then) and I told him he could always come to us if he felt tensions building but did stress then FOR A LONG WEEKEND no longer! And I wasnt pregnant then! It just annoys me that he just doesnt think about our situation. If I had a spare room it would be a bit easier. if he was more considerate, it would be easier. I actually think he has bi polar disorder as before he has these moods he gets really manic and hyper, then crashes and sulks for weeks on end (which is where he is now). I want to help him but when this happened last time I told him to make some life changes to help ease things, but he has done nothing so here we are a year later in the same situation with me having to deal with the fall out! Like I say, the man is 75 years old! He is not a love sick teenager!

OP posts:
Katisha · 28/06/2013 10:53

Feeling guilty is a pointess thing because nothing changes. You told him a long weekend and you will have to stick to it. If he knows you will always let him do this he has no reason to want to change.
Try saying no and see what happens. And ditch the guilt.

hypermum1 · 28/06/2013 13:24

Thanks for the advice! Made me feel much better! Think i will tell him best I can do is a couple of nights, other than that if he wants to stay longer it will have to be a Travelodge!

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 28/06/2013 13:51

He should go to a hotel.

diddl · 28/06/2013 13:59

Sounds to me as if there is no room tbh.

It's not an emergency!

I think he needs to sort himself out somewhere to go-he's the one who wants to get away.

It's not as if he's asking if he can visit-just get away from his partner!

VigourMortis · 28/06/2013 14:05

I would absolutely not do this and I am a softy. I am suffering waves of nausea at the bare feet on the table and belching.

He is an adult living with a partner, so if they have a row they need to come to the table and either resolve their differences or make other arrangements.

Neverenoughcake · 28/06/2013 15:08

If he needs a break then why not suggest he books himself a lovely holiday somewhere?

hypermum1 · 28/06/2013 15:33

Thank you all for the advice! He drives me mad! diddl like you say, he is not coming for a visit because he actually wants to see me or his grandchildren. he is coming to suit his own needs, to get away from his partner because he can't deal with the situation! He has already told me before now when he stays here he "finds it hard" because my boys are normal, noisy, boys and he finds it a bit of a strain! I feel better now about telling him no. I will try to do it guilt free!!!!

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 30/06/2013 17:55

Tell him he's welcome to come and visit / have a break but needs to stay at the Premier inn/ travel lodge this time. Just say that there is no room ATM and you're really sorry.

hypermum1 · 01/07/2013 07:47

That s exactly what I did tell him, actually I went a bit further and said we could have him at our house for a couple of nights or long weekend, but anymore and he would have to go to a hotel as its not practical for us.However, now he has decided not to come at all and I feel really bad as I would really like to see him. On top of that I was discussing it with my in laws over the weekend and they made me feel terrible! "you can't make your dad stay in a hotel"..........!

OP posts:
diddl · 01/07/2013 08:02

Oh don't feel bad.

There's no room, he sounds an awful guest, & he was using you!

So-now it's not all going his way, he's not even going to visit-nice!

libertine73 · 01/07/2013 08:06

Stop feeling guilty! your in-laws don't know all the ins and outs I'm sure. you're 7 months pregnant, and there's no room, so!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 01/07/2013 08:10

Your reply to your inlaws should be yes I can. There is no room and he always complains about my children. If you don't want him in a hotel, feel free to ask him to stay with you.

You've done the right thing. From what you describe, it is clear it simply wouldn't have worked.

Since he's now not coming at all, I assume things aren't that bad with his partner and he was just planning on using your home to punish or manipulate her by walking out for a bit. now that that will cause him expense or inconvenience, he isn't going to bother.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2013 08:26

I'm not saying you're wrong hypermum1, but what would you say to one of your children in the same situation? (although you probably wouldn't be pregnant in that situation!)

Katisha · 01/07/2013 10:30

Oh come on Nannyogg. He was hardly in desperate need and obv doesn't actually come to see OP and her family. No need to lay on pointless guilt.

hypermum1 · 01/07/2013 12:14

NannyOgg, I would hope my children would be better mannered houseguests! If you mean if I was in the same situation and had had a row with their dad, I certainly would not be involving them! I would like to think I am an adult and myself and my other half discuss any issues we have and strive to resolve them together. I would NOT run away to my childrens house and dump it all on them.

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 02/07/2013 06:44

On top of that I was discussing it with my in laws over the weekend and they made me feel terrible! "you can't make your dad stay in a hotel"!
Yes, your PIL are right ... So they wouldn't mind putting him up for a couple of weeks? Grin
If your DF was coming to visit you and your family, not just running away after a tiff and if he were a polite guest I would be inclined to be more accommodating .

Hissy · 02/07/2013 07:16

He's happy to use you, but not actually come and visit you for YOU?
Stuff him!

Hotel from now on it is then.

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