To have nothing more to do with my SIL?

[BacktoSquareOne]

Hi mns,
I've been on here for years but have name changed for this.
Don't want to bore you with an essay so going to make a long story short(ish).
I have been with DH for a few years we have 2 DC 3yrs and 5yrs.
My DH has a sister who over the years she was a bit of a nasty cow to me(I'm a decade younger than her and I think she thought she could look down on me and patronise me etc).
Her nastiness got SO bad a couple of years ago I decided to keep her at arms length,ignored her messages or responded with 'a meet up would be great but I'm busy' etc and kept that going for months.
Anyway my SIL has had a child in the last year(even though she never wanted children didn't really like them!)and she seems to have mellowed and made an effort for us and our DC to meet up.

My SIL is in her 30's and she is married to an extremely wealthy man (older than her parents).
She tells me constantly that she is very lucky as she never has to work again(nor does her DH),how she has SO much money and all the time in the world.
On the other hand my situation is VERY different and my DH is struggling.He has been told recently he may be made redundant in 6 weeks.
We have huge money problems and I have spent the past year looking for a p/t job but it has been hard as any potential jobs don't pay enough to justify the cost of childcare.
I have even tried to get night time work(carer jobs) but with no luck.

Anyway earlier this year I confided to SIL about our money problems and debts and how I was desperate to get work but have no 'support network' to help with childcare (I've lived in the area for a few years now and my family live hundreds of miles away).
She said to me that she is willing to look after my little one until he starts nursery this September. She also offered to do the school run for my eldest.
I told her I was applying for 2 day a week or 3 day a week jobs and in the industry I work/ed in most days would be Saturdays and Sundays so it would be just one day a week that she could help me with childcare.
I was so pleased that she offered me the help.For the next 5 months I applied for around 30 jobs.
The whole time we stayed in touch(weekly) and she constantly asked me how my job searching was going, asked me how my 3rd interview went,and so on.
I kept on double checking that she was still willing to help with childcare and she promised she'd help.
Anyway last week was offered a job!
THEN SIL says by text that she 'may' be able to help but only now and again.
My DH asked her to confirm as it was my first day(the other day) she said that can help 'a bit' ??
She ended up having him and we had to pay someone to have my eldest after school.
We texted her to ask how dc had been and she ignored the message.
In the afternoon while we were still at work she left voice messages saying how she was driving around our block checking our house to see if we were in(she'd had enough of looking after him and was having a major tantrum) of course we weren't in we were coming back from work she KNEW our hours she AGREED to have him.
Anyway DH picks up dc and she is upstairs she is fuming (says her dh) he says 'she is so angry at having to look after dc2' and my husband said that she had offered. She has sent messages to us promising that she wants to help us. How she wants to get us out of our financial mess.
How she has all the time and money in the world and that a day of a childcare a week is nothing plus my DC can play with her little one.

I don't understand. She has done this before many years ago when she promised to have our cat and last minute changed her mind. I feel stupid now.

I now have to call my area manager and explain that I can no longer work

She promised and didn't deliver.I deep down knew this would happen a week ago when she found out I had finally been offered a job and she went from 'I promise I'll help you just get a job.I'm there for you I promise' etc to 'oh- well I guess I can help 'a bit' .

She never meant it

Why did she do this?My DH wants to speak to her and tell her that she has wasted our time.

DH did question how helpful she really would be as he thinks they're very selfish and look down on people.

Only recently we were visiting them and were half an hour late when SIL opened the door she started crying.
When we asked her what was wrong she said that her DH couldn't believe that we would be so rude to be so late and so he's driving around the area to see if we've had a crash and died!

Anyway sorry I tried not to make it an essay and I thank you if you got this far!

I agree with emsyj and wonder if she did mean to help you with the cat / child minding but when her DH found out he wouldn't allow her to do it.

Of course I don't know them so could be wrong but she would have to be very nasty indeed to pretend she wanted to help when she knows your financial situation.

You seem really positive about your job so as others have said, if there is any way you can afford to, keep working as it could lead to long term or bigger and better things.

I dont understand the not working if it covers childcare, surelyin the long run and with dh's risk of redundancy you could have muddled through for a while

Quiting so soon with money worries is very short sighted

regards to sil - ignore the drama and her

Forget SIL. Nothing at all to be gained from questioning her.

You need to find a way to make childcare work. Find someone in a similar situation so they can look after yours some days, you look after theirs on other days.

Ignore the SIL and her nonsense. Yes, she's let you down very badly but you need to just move past it, never rely on her again for anything and concentrate on your more immediate problems. You'd be utterly mad to quit a job with the threat of redundancy hanging over your husband and your current financial situation. Speak to your manager, explain the situation, I'm sure between the two of you you can come up with a solution. For childcare, get on FB, take out an advert in the local paper....school hols coming up and I'm pretty sure there will be reliable teens or school leavers in your area looking to make some childsitting cash.
And no, it's not easy but really, you just have to get on with it or get yourself deeper into a very big hole.

SquareOne, a lesson learned is that just because people say something, promise something, it doesnt make it true. The easiest thing in the world is to make a promise, but sticking to it, now you are looking at a whole different ball game. Dont give her 'head space' ! Also, you can choose your friends but you cant choose your family.

As many posters have recommended, just dont get involved or waste any emotional energy fathoming out why she said one thing then went back on her word (probably because she could, nothing you could do to stop it). If you need something guaranteed, better to pay for it, because you have a means of complaint when things dont work out. Being under obligation to friends and family is a hiding to nothing.

Good luck with the job, its tough working when you have little ones, but keep going, its good for your morale and self esteem to be out there earning, even if part time!

Op I thought you said you work at weekends so at least you'll still earn that money if you keep your job - you may be one day down but won't the other 2 make up for it?

Your SIL sounds like a nightmare but if you can make it work you'll be better off in the long run.

OP , what does your contract say re: working hours/days, and do you still have a copy of the original advert? Did you take notes in the interview etc?

In your shoes I would say you NEED this job. What happens in a few weeks if your husband is made redundant? Your minimal wage will be welcome relief then! I would speak to your line manager about the job you were led to believe you'd accepted, and the one they're asking you to do. At the end of the day if you're planning to quit so soon anyway what have you got to lose by asking to do the shifts as originally agreed?

Speak to the parents at the school gate, speak to the school, ask for recommendations for childcare. I'm sure some will be willing to give you recommendations.

Since writing this I've looked into childcare vouchers my dh does not qualify for more than 2 days a month of childcare for only 1 child and has to pay £70 of his own money.It has to be for set days with a cm and I can't do set days.

Looked into tax credits and not entitled to anything.

Called a lady who baby sat my youngest the other day and paid her more than I earned after travel for the day and she told me it tired her out and she cannot do 'long days' I told her I have 2 weekdays a week for the next month and the last week my eldest is off school for the summer holidays and she told me to 'forget it'.

The facebook idea is a good one BUT I don't have anyone in the area who is on fb.Some parents just don't do the social media thing and other mums could be on fb but I don't know them well enough.

I'm newish to this area have only met mums since Sep last year when dc started reception.

I'm a fully insured and qualified massage therapist (the job I'm doing in London is in a department store on a luxury skincare- great company minimal wage pay)

I'm thinking of calling my dhs local barbers 5 mins away who have an empty treatment room above and asking to get them to hand out leaflets for aromatherapy/massages and I give them a percentage of earnings(?)

As it stands I've officially got a 'job' it sounds lovely,I have to look immaculate and have an hour long expensive commute and I'm going to always be out of pocket as they haven't given me weekends!

Anyway thankyou for reading and thankyou for the helpful replies.

What Ginger said.

Ginger thanks for the advice.I know I'd be mad to quit it but my next day to work is Monday I have between now and then to find someone to look after dc and I'm looking like you wouldn't believe.

StuntGirl-the weird thing is I haven't signed a contract,I have no terms and conditions in writing,my area manager communicates via text.Haven't given bank account details to her.She was meant to meet me on my first day and I was left to my own devices.

My sil just texted dh 'so what day shall I have dc next week'?

I'm so confused?!?!

Have you got a couch and a room you could use?

Or a portable couch and transport?

Could you work for yourself doing massage? You could offer a "ladies only" service.

Do call the local barbers. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

She must be feeling guilty!

I'm confused - your DH is going to be made redundant, so why can't he look after kids when he finishes work? In the meantime you bridge it with some playdates (that you reciprocate so nobody gets pissed off), GPs coming up, DH taking annual leave etc. if he's going to be out if work then you need one of you to have a job, surely?

Also. Do not confront SIL - do not give her the attention. Just withdraw and keep your contact to family get tigethers only!

If dp is being made redundant, can you beg and borrow favours until he can do the childcare?

This may not be helpful, but can you register as a childminder yourself? Income, but you can be at home with your own? Not easy work, but economically at least you won't be out of pocket. In the meantime you can try the room above the barbers to see if you can build up enough business? Sorry you are struggling. Your SIL isn't going to be much help to you and you will always be left wondering if she is going to let you down.

My sil just texted dh 'so what day shall I have dc next week'?

How odd, did your DH respond?

I was also about to post about becoming a childminder - not for everyone but fits around your own kids. I did it and it's slow to get going but now I'm actually earning ok money and not having to pay for childcare.

Yes, find out about the room. You are qualified, you can print cheap leaflets and spread them, why not. It sounds a good idea, just find out if the barber will cover you with his insurance.

If you are travelling into London it's a pain, not only the fare but the additional hours of childcare you pay for sitting on the train. As for the changed days I would clearly say you cannot do more than one weekday. And how are you going to be paid? No contract??