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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send a note to another child's mum via my son?

31 replies

KatyTheCleaningLady · 28/06/2013 09:42

My 6yo has mentioned not having made any friends at his new school (started in January). Then, he said that he has made a friend with a new boy who also likes doctor who. He also mentioned a girl who is nice to him.

It breaks my heart that he feels lonely and I want to encourage friendships.

However, I never do the school run and so never meet the other parents.

Would it be weird to write a little card or note saying "Hello, I'm Katy, X's mum. X has mentioned your child, Y, as someone he likes to play with, and I was wondering if you would like to arrange a play date some weekend. Perhaps at the soft play place. Please call me if you think that would be a good idea."

Then he could give it to the child for the child to give to his parents.

Would you think that is weird?

OP posts:

FryOneFatManic · 28/06/2013 09:46

I have done this when all other methods of contacting a parent has failed. Our school doesn't do class contact lists, you see. It does work, for me at least.

starlingsintheslipstream · 28/06/2013 09:46

Not weird at all. Though as someone with other kids as well, I find weekends can be really busy. When I'm not running the others about I do like to keep it as "family time". I much prefer to do playdates in the week.

Shutupanddrive · 28/06/2013 09:47

No I wouldn't think it was weird at all, go for it

Fakebook · 28/06/2013 09:48

Not at all. This is how my Dd's nursery friend's mum used contact me to organise a play date. The down point was that she used to put it in Dd's pocket and Once I washed her trousers as soon as she got home and found half a letter a week later with a few words mentioning Dd's name and play date.

So make sure that DS takes care of the note/card!

Original poster

KatyTheCleaningLady · 28/06/2013 09:48

I don't have much time during the week, but I would try to make some if that's all Y's parents can manage.

Glad to hear that you wouldn't think it's weird.

OP posts:

FryOneFatManic · 28/06/2013 09:49

You could also have a chat with his teacher to find out how he's getting on and how he's integrating. DS went through a phase of not having friends and we encouraged him to start trying to join in the games with the other boys, rather than him expecting them to play his game. It worked and now they all play nicely together at school, sharing each other's games.

baskingseals · 28/06/2013 09:49

I thin I would talk to ds first and ask him if he would like to see this little boy after school, and then to ask ds to ask his friend if he would like to come round to play. If ds and friend are both happy with the plan, I would then speak to their teacher and ask their advice about getting the boys together.

I don't think I would put a note in a bookbag - for a start you would never know if it had been given to the parents or whether you we're being ignored, or what the situation was. Talk to your ds first and go from there.

Good luck

WilsonFrickett · 28/06/2013 09:49

I wouldn't necessarily think it weird, but I'd be unlikely to send a 6 yo to play if I'd never met their parent. Is there no way you can do a couple of school runs - take a couple of days leave maybe? Or is there a parents' forum or some sort of activity you could target, eg take a day off for sports day? Absolutely you don't have to be at school every day, but at that age I'd want some parental contact to kick things off.

DeepRedBetty · 28/06/2013 09:50

I've done this when there was no other way of contacting a parent. It worked.

Original poster

KatyTheCleaningLady · 28/06/2013 09:50

Fakebook, I could give it to his teacher, maybe?

Fry, he says that the other kids are mean to him. I will mention this to his teacher.

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 28/06/2013 09:51

Not weird at all.

Maybe a little unusual, but not in a bad way. I'm sure most people would think it would be nice to receive a note like that in the book bag.

If I got a note like that the only thing I'd be unsure of would be meeting up at the weekend, simply because the logistics of my life meant my dc had their social time with school friends mostly on school days when they were that age.

Is there any way you could extend an after school invitation to the child for tea after school and maybe get time to chat to the Mum on pick up?

ArtemisKelda · 28/06/2013 09:52

I'd be really pleased if I received a note like this via my 6yr old and would definitely reply and arrange something.

It's a bit unusual but a great idea.

defineme · 28/06/2013 09:52

I have done this-I have children in different years and don't do all the school runs so I don't necessarily see the other parents.
I have never arranged a playdate for a weekend-that only happens with well established friends. Usually playdate rules are pick them up from school, play, tea, drop them home by 6.
If you really can't make weekdays then you need to explain that in the note.

Original poster

KatyTheCleaningLady · 28/06/2013 09:53

I thought a phone conversation and then arranging to meet up somewhere like soft play would be better than just inviting kid over to ours. I come across very well on the phone.

I would have no way of knowing if the note was actually received. I can't make a school run, but maybe I can try sometime.

OP posts:

Fakebook · 28/06/2013 09:57

Yes give it to the teacher. Also, I'd never met Dd's nursery friends mum either, as they were only 3 years old and we picked and dropped them off at different times, but on the first visit I went inside and stayed with dd for an hour and got to know the mum and dad before leaving her. They also understood and were very welcoming. Both girls have a lovely relationship now and meet at every half term/holiday break.

Bexicles · 28/06/2013 09:59

I received a similar note in my son's book bag. Was really touched, I remember thinking what a lovely thoughtful person she was. I would send the note.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 10:02

I have had a number of notes like this as a lot of the Mums at DDs school work full time. It's often the main way of conversation! Some Mums you might see once a term but that's it.

My notes just say "Hi I'm Xs Mum and X often talks about Y...we were wondering if Y would like to come to play one day or perhaps we could meet up at softplay sometime? Here's my number."

Irishmammybread · 28/06/2013 10:03

I'd second giving the note to the teacher, I'm always amazed at the things I find in school bags/blazer pockets etc that have come from school/should have been handed in!
Other than that I think it's a really good idea,why not!

oohaveabanana · 28/06/2013 10:12

I hope this isn't weird as I've done it a few times - actually, even meaner, I've made ds write them - and have had a response every time I agree that I would be vague-r about whether it's a weekend/holiday or after school playdate if you can be flexible.

Teacher may be a safer bet than via 6 year old, but tbh I've always just sent them with my son & not had one go astray - which is a miracle in itself....

amazingmumof6 · 28/06/2013 10:12

most schools have a contact sheet for the class your child is in - it is private for the class to use if there's an emergency, plus useful when you want to organize playdates, birthdays or need help with schoolrun etc.

ask the school office to print one out for you and send in your child's bookbag.

if it doesn't exist, talk to the headteacher to get it sorted.

either way, sending a note personally is really lovely, do it!
Also talk to your child's class teacher - they have lots of ways to help him in class to interact/connect with the other kids - he may not be as friend-less as you or him think!

My DS1 went through a phase of thinking he had no friends. I asked the teacher to help.
the next day she explained to the children, that DS1 wasn't sure who to ask to play with him - and asked the children to put their hands up if they would like to play with DS1.
it still brings a tear to my eye, that 20 little eager hands went up in the air!

good luck, I'm sure it will work out!

Fresh01 · 28/06/2013 10:56

I got given a note this morning by my son's playgroup teacher with x little boys name on it, her name and phone number. Nothing else. Kids break up for summer today and she wants to get the boys together over the summer as they will go to the same preschool in sept. I have spoken to the mum briefly a few months ago. I didn't think it at all strange and will today text her with my number.

CMOTDibbler · 28/06/2013 11:06

I've done that, and its worked well. For weekends its nice to meet somewhere like softplay as you can get to know each other while the children play, or stop and have a cup of coffee at the others house.

Ds is always keen to try and sort out playing, so will give the other the note and they seem to get through.

FryOneFatManic · 28/06/2013 14:40

amazingmumof6 DS's school will not do contact lists, and yes, various people have asked. They keep going on about data protection, etc.

So most of us tend to build up our on little lists for contacts, especially by getting parents to let us have a contact number when DCs are dropped off for parties, and then keeping the numbers for future reference. But some parents tend not to join in, have parties, etc so it gets difficult to find a contact.

DamnBamboo · 28/06/2013 14:45

I have done this.
It was fine and the other mum welcomed the 'introduction'.

Give it go, you've got nothing to lose

Original poster

KatyTheCleaningLady · 01/07/2013 09:53

I thought I'd update. I managed to do the school run this morning, and met the little boy and his mum. She seemed really pleased that I introduced myself. I mean, she seemed touched or flattered or something. It was sweet.

She said weekends are best for her and that their house has a good garden for playing. We didn't have pens, so we agreed to send contact info via our sons.

She seems nice and I'm glad I approached her. Although I didn't do the note thing, this thread gave me confidence to reach out because some of you said it made you feel good when you were contacted.

I am sort of shy and tend to avoid the school gate scene, so I'm glad I did it.

OP posts:

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