AIBU to think that this is not really my problem?

[sc13]

This is my first AIBU - please be kind!
I have one child, DS (7). He has high-functioning autism and is in mainstream school. I am very happy with the school and the strategies and methods they have; DS is flourishing academically and socially.

To get to the point, today one of the other mums told me that the teacher has complained about her own son's behaviour. This child is in DS's class, and he has been to our place for playdates several times. He is a lovely child, but apparently his behaviour at school has deteriorated to the point where the teacher told this other mum that they have to talk.
Now, this other mum tells me that her son's behaviour has got worse because (her words) 'he copies DS'. She said that her son sees that DS has a lot of toys and that his mum (me) pays a lot of attention to him, so he wants to be like DS, so he's copying his behaviour. In particular, he has started to complain and be angry when he loses a game, just like DS does.

I got a bit upset. DS is working very hard on his behaviour, but there are definitely things that he has not managed yet, like sitting still for more than 30 minutes or learning to lose. He gets rewarded for good behaviour, and there are consequences for bad behaviour, like losing 'golden time'. I realize that from the outside sometimes it looks as if he's getting away with being naughty, or he is rewarded for 'normal' behaviour, so I think it is entirely possible that the other boy is copying DS's behaviour. In sum, I got a bit upset to begin with, but part of me now is also thinking: what am I supposed to do? I am already doing my best regarding DS, but what else could/should I do about this other boy's behaviour?
AIBU to think it is for the school and his family to address, but not really my problem?

It's not your problem at all, and I'm perplexed as to what the other mum thought complaining would achieve? Does she want your son expelled for having the audacity to have autism?

Not your problem at all! It's up to the other boy's mum and the school to address his behaviour

YANNNNNBU She shouldn't have said anything to you. You clearly can do nothing else. She is taking her frustration out on you. Let it go. Sounds like you are doing a good job!

YANBU

It was very insensitive of her to say anything to you, but she probably did it without thinking, not so that you would 'do' or say anything in particular.

Your DS is doing very well. Her DS is only a little boy, doing what little boys do - working out who 'gets the best deal' and trying to get the same. His parents and his teacher (not you) need to explain why 'being good' is so much harder for your DS than them and that actually, your DS has to try much much harder than they do to achieve the 'basics'.

My nephew has autism and, to be fair, I can see his younger brother copying lots of his behaviour. All my sister can do is point out that he knows better and that older nephew doesn't know how to behave. I would suggest to this mum that perhaps curtailing the playdates would suit her better. All kids copy the behaviour of others, this is how they learn how to behave. In my nephews class the more badly behaved kids tend to play with him, as they play quite roughly, but when he comes home having learned a new swear word my sister doesn't march up to the school complaining that another kid is teaching him bad behaviour! It's up to her to teach her own kid right from wrong. I know how hard it can be, but perhaps she doesn't realise that her child is just as likely to copy poor behaviour from the other kids as your son. But I wouldn't be inclined to have more playdates.

I don't think the mum was complaining to you , just making an observation.
kids are not stupid.They pretty soon cotton on to the fact that it pays to be the naughty kid and reap in the rewards on the days you decide to be good
The other mum is right.the school should address this and all children have the same expectations of behaviour and the same rewards and sanctions for misbehaviour.Unfortunately this takes a strong school and most just take the line of least resistance as your DS's son has.

I agree that she may have just been telling you about her son rather than meaning that you / your DS were responsible or that you should do anything.

I would leave it to her to sort it out with the school and if she mentions it to you again just say with a breezy smile how lucky she is that her DS doesn't have autism and so it shouldn't be too difficult for him to move on from this phase of unwanted behaviour.

If she feels that her DS doesn't get as much attention from his mum as your DS there's an easy solution to that! (However I wouldn't point that out to her!)

why mentio9n it to her, (you) its as if she saying you give your own son to much attention and hell yes i would point it out to her, that maybe if she gave her son more attention handling what ever hes leanrt, and they all do, then it would go.

also this with a breezy smile how lucky she is that her DS doesn't have autism and so it shouldn't be too difficult for him to move on from this phase of unwanted behaviour.

xylem have i read you right? you think excemptions shouldnt be made for thouse with sn?

YADNBU

My best friend's younger brother is severely autistic and at 31 has never entered mainstream society unfortunately. He simply cannot cope so the fact that your son has the support and capability to cope with mainstream school is fantastic and you should be (as it sounds you are) very proud!

Kids will copy the people around them, and the other child's mother needs to learn to manage her own child and work with the school to improve his behaviour. However, you could potentially turn the situation around and help her to deal with it if your kids are good friends as i suspect that if she feels strongly enough she may stop her son playing with yours for play dates etc.

At 7 he is old enough to understand the basics (my dsd is 7 and I work with 7-10 year olds) so perhaps it might be an idea to talk to this woman and suggest that you explain to her son about your sons condition and that by copying him when he isn't behaving in the right way he is encouraging him to be naughty. Then tell him that actually because he is such a good friend to your son you would really like it if he could help you teach your son the right way to behave when he loses at a game etc. That way you are getting two fold benefits...a) the other mum will see you as helping her out and supporting her b) your son may react better to being 'taught' how to lose etc from another child esp a close friend

HTH and that you find a resolution, I wouldn't get upset though as I suspect she is more making an observation rather than an accusation. The only accusation that could be made is one of guilt on her part that she doesn't have the bond and doesn't spend the time with her own son

Thank you for all your answers, they have really helped me look at this from different perspectives. And thanks for the nice things you said about me and DS - it's much appreciated! In retrospect, I can see that the other mum was just telling me/venting a bit rather than laying blame; she has got 5 children and her hands really full with a lot of other issues.
I did mention to her that perhaps she could tell her son about DS's condition, but she said that her son doesn't see DS as 'different' so she'd rather not. I was supposed to take the boys and another boy from their class to the movies at the w/end - after our conversation I thought she'd cancel, but she's confirmed it. So I guess she was not blaming DS/me particularly.
As for behaviour, rewards, and punishments, same expectations yes, but in a sense that we have the same expectations for literacy or maths, i.e. with the recognition that there are different abilities and different paths to learning, in the hope that all kids reach a certain level of proficiency which best reflects their potential.

I think it sounds like just venting and we all do or say things that are interpreted in a way we don't mean. I'm very positive about her not wanting her DS to see your son as different. That's a wonderful attitude to be passed on.

sc13 credit to her then for not wanting to highlight your DS's differences, she obviously understands and is just frustrated. All you can do is let her vent and try not to take it to heart. She clearly isn't too bothered if she is happy for them to socialise, maybe the school just handled it badly

Sounds like she's just talking to you about it thats all. She sounds cool really.

DS has a lot of toys and that his mum (me) pays a lot of attention to him, so he wants to be like DS, so he's copying his behaviour.

Maybe she should give her son more attention

I'm glad you are feeling better about it now :)

It's good that her DS doesn't see your DS as any different and a credit to her that she's happier to keep it that way.

I hope the boys have a good time at the flicks and that you survive it - what are you taking them to see?