To wonder what on earth to do about this

[monkeymamma]

I failed my driving test this morning, 3rd time. The first two times were nearly 15 years ago when I was just a teenager. Now I'm, erm, not :-)

The test went, really, really badly and has left me wondering how on earth I'm ever going to pass this fucking thing. I've been having lessons for two years now (I probably had around a years worth of lessons - perhaps slightly less actually - back when I was a teenager, too) and practising as much as I can given that I have a 1 year old DS. I just don't know how I can fit in any more lessons and practice per week. I guess I need more lessons but how many more years will it take?? It's costing us 180 quid a month in lessons, dh is supportive but it worries me it will take a lot longer and cost huge amounts.

I'm feeling properly, properly wretched today which I know us awful given that other people have real problems and this isn't one. But I really can't face the idea I'll never be able to drive - we moved to a rural area when we had DS, I've been slowly making friends etc but it puts a real dampener on getting it know new people, places etc when you depend on lifts to get everywhere (the local bus service is laughable, btw.) Having a baby is hard work if you can't take them anywhere much, I can't cook particularly great meals because the nearest shop is 40minute walk away (when ds is hungry he points to the freezer - this does not make me feel great about myself), and with dh keen to get started on baby no.2 I just feel it'll be incredibly tough manhandling a baby and a toddler around town on foot.

Apologies if I'm being a drama llama (ok no 'if' about it really, I am being a drama llama), I just need to know what on earth I can do about this. I can rebook my test but I don't see how I can avoid doing the same insanely stupid things next time round - if anything I'll be more nervous, so more likely to fuck it up. And AIBU to secretly wonder whether I should be on the roads at all if it takes me 4+ tests before I pass?

... sorry the last instructor

Find a good instructor before your next driving test.
Ask about their rates re success, if they ever get a 'clean sheet' (very rare) etc...
Usually more expensive but worth in the long run.

Also don't think you've had one year worth of lesson by adding the ones you've just had with the ones you had as a teenager. These do not count anymore. it's so long ago that you probably have forgotten everything you had learnt at the time, driving wise.

Do you HAVE to live rurally? Moving out to the v edge of the country has been a mistake for us, as we spend far more time inside/in cars than when we lived in zone 3 London, where there was the density of population to support some really good parks. Our quality of life was far better there, and I really wish we could move back, but with a school-age child, we're a bit stuck.

If that idea chimes with you, do put it to your DH. You have a few years till you have to be settled for school. When are you planning to return to work?

And don't, under any circumstances, TTC #2 where you are, without a driving license.

My sister is an appalling driver but at least she is independent! Not dangerous but has very dented bumpers in fairness to her she always leaves a note on people windscreens at Asda when she has bumped them. She has a 10 year old car which costs her a lot to insure but, as I said, she is independent and that is what matters. (controlling husband)

I passed 4th time and have been driving without incident for 20 years.

What helped me

1. Found a good instructor who told me the truth (previous one was too nice)
2. Lots of practice with my DM
3. Took the test in my own car - helps psycholgically as examiner is entering 'your space' and also means no confusion with different indicators etc
4. Utter determination to pass as overheard DF (a right petrolhead) saying about me 'oh she'll never make a driver'

Don't give up OP, you probably just need lots more practice.

What about one of those intensive courses? Win win as you could get it done and DH would have a chance to reflect in your absence on joys of rural childcare...

I passed 4th time - had 3 attempts late teens, and failed on something different each time so I don't think I had a problem as such and feel it was nerves as much as anything.

I then began lessons again several years later when pregnant as I wanted some independence but found that an hour once a week - for me personally - was slow going as it often felt as if I had to revise last week's lesson all over again before it stuck. I also used to feel peed off having to take the previous learner home at the start of my lesson - then be taken home by the next learner after me. Taking someone else in the car made me very nervous at the time and set up the lesson really well - not! Don't know if instructors still do this these days ? Anyway .... after about 6 lessons I decided to book a week's intensive course where I had the undivided attention of the (different) instructor - and it made all the difference to me as after a couple of hours with no interruptions or diversions it felt as if stuff was sinking in. IIRC I had 2 hours in the morning, then 2 in the afternoon for 5 days so 20 hours in total.

This might not be the case for everyone of course but maybe it's worth considering ? It was a big initial outlay but in the long run no more expensive than a course of lessons and it achieved results much faster. I'd also say that if you have any doubts at all about your instructor then get shot and get a new one - when I learnt in my teens I didn't like my 1st instructor at all as he was a bit of a lech but I was too young to know how to deal with it properly and consequently I dreaded each lesson. My 2nd instructor was a nice man but really laid back and didn't say much !? .... I never knew if I'd done something right or wrong and a bit of praise when due would have been good. The instructor on the intensive course was an older man who was great and explained things very well, made me feel like I could do it, was firm but fair, very polite and above all I felt safe with him (both from a lech perspective and from being in control of the car!)

It took me 9 years in the end from when I very first drove a car to passing my test but have now driven very confidently for more than 20 years plus abroad, and have never had an accident so taking your time to pass isn't necessarily an indication of how good a driver you'll be.

A handful of lessons allowed me to take an automatic test. Have not looked back since. There is a good market for second hand and new automatic cars. The freedom is amazing. Definitely worth considering.

I passed on my third - The first I took was just awful and I know I was not ready. After 7 years I took my second and failed dismally.... I then took my third within a week of my second and passed with flying colours. I was just nerves and there was no rhyme nor reason for me not passing on my second test. I was ready and I knew I could do it but just went to pieces. Don't give up - your teacher would not have put you in if they didn't think you could do it....go girl!

Don't give up.

Have you thought of booking an expensiveintensive course. These have some people I know to pass my brother for one on his 6th attempt

Book another test straight away, if u fail that book again asap. Dont give yourself time to get stressed. You might just need to get used to the test situation.

I think the ipad just ate my last post!

I just wanted to say thank you for all your encouragement - you really I have made me feel a lot better (especially viz the frozen foods).

Softly softly you really hit the nail on the head with your comment about wanting it too much. I've heaped a lot of pressure on myself with this!

I failed on road position and lane discipline, mainly because I got very flustered. Kalms and rescue remedy are good suggestions!

Dh was v upset when I said we could ttc#2 until I can drive. He thinks its a crazy reason not to ttc. But he is more keen than I am on a small gap between DC :-)

If it makes you feel any better it took H three attempts to get a British licence. He said that it was much harder than his home country which on paper has the harder tests - full medical, full mechanical test, essay style written paper and a physical driving test that includes motorways.

I am going to start driving lessons soon. I am going for automatic. Good luck but you need honest assessment first.

I passed 5th time as did my DH Don't give up - you will get there! We now live in a rural area and I drive on the motorway every day to get to work and have been driving every day for past 15 years. I'm still not the world's best parallel parker - but I'm a lot better than I used to be.

Also, what 8thplace said.

I imagine you can drive fine but the stumble is on taking tests!

Try and focus on breathing and relaxing exercises and talk through dealing with nerves with your instructor. I'd beware rescue remedy though I took some for the first time just before my test it made my breath smell like I'd had a shot of whiskey and I had some explaining to do!

I passed 3rd time and my sister 6th!

The first two tests don't count...a 15 year gap puts you right back to square one. I had about a years worth of lessons when I was 18 and started again when I was nearly 30, I remembered nothing.

I passed on my third test, which really frustrated my instructor because I could drive fine on lessons - I just couldn't cope with the test. What made the difference the third time was going out with a friend as well as my lessons and actually doing it myself, going where I wanted to, having to think for myself without the back up of the instructor. Yes, my friend was there, but it's not the same as a lesson.

Perhaps get more practice but less lessons (so that stuff becomes automatic without an instructor telling you all the time) and then before your next test, do 3 or 4 double lessons in that week just to smooth the edges of your driving? Could save you £££ (that's what I did and I passed on attempt 3)

However I was driving in Ireland a good few years ago where you could drive on your own on your second provisional licence (a loophole that has now been closed) so I was actually driving all the time by myself, so got LOADS of practice on my own.

Can you ask your instructor to do some practice "tests" .
This really helped me .Don't give up !

How do you feel when you're driving when not under pressure? Has it got to the stage where all the basic moves are pretty much automatic and you are just concentrating on your environment (other cars, cyclists, pedestrians etc)? If not, then you need more practice. Every day. That is, go out with your dh between lessons. If you feel confident about driving when not under pressure then you will feel less nervous when it comes to the test, IYSWIM.

Then I would go with the hypnotherapy idea, and talk to your examiner before you set off next time, I felt humanising them helped, they can be so stoic and serious and that just makes you more nervous. When you are already wound up sitting in close personal proximity to a clipboard and a pair of eyes WATCHING YOU is horrible. So chat to them, tell them you can drive but get nervous, try and relax.

Also practice until it becomes 2nd nature (DH should be persuadable if he wants DC2) and see if you can take the test in your car.

Failing that my Dad was going to take me to Kelso to take my test, only 1 road with 1 lane there

Took me 6 goes to pass my test as even though I was fine on lessons and practicing I just got SO nervous on the tests that I panicked and made silly mistakes. The irony is now of course I actually don't like driving very much but it is such a useful skill to have especially if you live somewhere where the public transport is crap.

I also took beta blockers, had some hypnotherapy and rescue remedy (not all at the same time ).

One thing I tried to do was always book tests at times when I hoped that the roads would be quieter like later on in the morning after rush hour and school drop off and also early afternoon after lunch but before school pick-up - is that something for you to consider?

Don't give up and also give careful thought about whether to change to an automatic, as previously mentioned this will limit you so if you're not having gear issues I'd stick with learning in a manual.

took me 6 attempts too and I just felt like it would never happen because it only takes one mistake that is classed as a major rather than minor and yet some of those seem pretty trivial to me. I had a friend who passed years ago and she hit the kerb when reversing and did all sorts of things that would be an immediate fail nowadays. The test is certainly harder. I would suggest booking a test for a Sunday morning - early and see if your instructor will drive you around some of the known routes the examiner might take so you can practice in your own time.

Somewhere's suggestion about going round the known routes is a good one.

By coincidence, I did my test in the very place that I'd driven my mum to go shopping just the Saturday before, so I psychologically felt in complete control of it.

I passed 7th time, in auto. I could drive but would go to pieces on test day a combo of beta blockers and a lovely examiner helped me pass, I used to walk for hours to get anywhere and when I passed I was able to have a much wanted 3rd DC as I could transport my brood around, I can sympathise with how hard it is with a baby/child if you can't drive. Just keep trying it will happen