To think if you're going to throw a girly shitfit and say you'll be offline for a few days

[HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform]

You should turn off Facebook chat so people can't see you're online?

I'm organising a hen party for 10 days time and one of the fellow bridesmaids/co-organisers has gone AWOL for a week or so, so the rest of us finalised arrangements and sent out details. Cue drama and angst, her husband saying she'd been bullied out of her role and everyone getting very teenage about it.

She still hasn't responded to any of the outstanding queries and last night posted that she's going offline for a few days because she can't cope (why it needs announcing is beyond me). This morning, I log on to Facebook to find her sitting with a green light in my chat list.

AIBU to think if you're going to go offline, either be offline or be bright enough to hide?

Why don't you phone her or go round.

You bridesmaids don't want to spoil things for the bride who is trusting you do you?

Maybe you all need to look at yourselves and tour own behaviours in this.

If you ruin her day with this crap the bride won't forgive you will she?

I'd your hen party really a 'year before the wedding meal' and are you demanding she give up 2 days a month to plan your wedding whilst refusing to talk about anything else?

I hate this type of behaviour in adults- you all need to grow up and see the bigger picture.

thebody she's not answering her phone to me and lives too far away. And I totally agree with the spoiling things for the bride stuff - that's why I'm so wound up. I'm not responding to the PA stuff on facebook and I've told the bride it's all under control (it is, we've just made decisions that needed to be finalised by the deadline with or without her input, and have now laid out financially). I honestly don't understand why anyone would ignore emails for a week and then have her husband post on facebook that she'd been bullied out of her bridesmaid role (when she's still a BM and she's ignoring emails). She's also complained to the bride that she hasn't had an active enough role in organising the wedding itself

Sock - wedding is in 8 weeks, and I'm a BM. She's not bridezilla-ish at all tbh. She is particular but has many other topics of conversation.

I've got FB on my phone. It always appears logged in / available to chat even when I'm not using it.

Anyway, I'd be looking at my own behaviour and not hers if I were you. You're aware of how she feels and you still come on here to be nasty and name call? Nice.

But the way she feels is completely unnecessary, WeAre - she's being unkind to the bride and is making drama where there is none.

The green light isn't foolproof. It can mean she is logged on and the computer is online, not that she is actively looking at facebook

It doesn't matter if you think the way she feels is unnecessary or not. She feels that way, and you aren't responsible for her or for the way she reacts.

You need to be a good friend to the bride and get on with the job in hand. I know you're just using MN to vent, but calling her names (girly shitfit, not very bright) makes you no better than her really.

Continue to send her the same emails / texts / phonecalls as everyone else and stay true to yourself. Then you can hold your head high when the bride asks about what went on, and say you did your best without being bitchy or spiteful.

That's exactly what I'm doing WeAre - both using MN to vent, and continuing to include her in all messages going out. It's just frustrating to see the PA stuff going up on FB (work of the devil itself, particularly as its green light lies) so the bride sees the crap about being bullied, which is really not the case.

I beg to differ that I'm no better than her - I have done this anonymously and haven't had a tant at the bride, but see your point that I'm not behaving as well as I possibly could by being a bit blunt, it's just that I don't actually have anywhere else to blow off steam about this.

It doesn't help my opinion of her that she's been sending emails about me to other people in the wedding character assassinating me. I'm trying to park that as an issue as it doesn't help anything and we have to get along.

Like I said it's all very teenage. And it's hard not to get dragged in when you see one of your dearest friends getting upset about her wedding/hen do - a time that is supposed to be joyful. There is no need for any stress about this, none, and creating some for the bride is deeply unkind.

You should all grow up.

Yes we should, Sallying

It sounds like you are in a difficult position.

Ignore what you are being told about the emails. Don't get caught in the cross-fire. Just do your best by your friend (bride) then walk away head held high knowing you've been the best person you can be.

Start a chat conversation with her saying "peekaboo! I can see you"!

But seriously, what a childish and twattish thing to do. I hate people who announce their account deactivation and stuff.

Repeating what was paid upthread about the green light...Mine was permanently on and I had no idea as don't use chat. So just because it's on doesn't mean anything.

So it's you and the group against her. And either she's imagined this completely or there genuinely has been some nastiness going on.

And considering we've only got your side and you're on here having a hissy fit because of something on facebook I suspect the latter. Your attitude towards her sounds horrible as well.

If I were you I'd get somebody who has been least involved in the nastiness and freezing her out to send her a sympathetic kind email holding out an olive branch.

But honestly, I don't really believe that there is no nastiness and bullying going on from the way you have spoken about her on here.

She sounds like a nightmare op, I am at getting her DH to post on Facebook about bridesmaid stuff, and fwiw I don't think you sound horrible or bulling at all

Just ignore her, if she wants to create drama that's her lookout but you don't have to let her suck you into it

She hasn't been frozen out at all. She's been copied in on all emails and hasn't responded to them for the last week or so. I won't claim not to be annoyed or frustrated by her behaviour but we're not freezing her out. We just had no contact for a week and then her husbands comment on FB.

Of course there may well be other stuff going on but I'm not party to it. I'm finding the whole thing quite bizarre tbh

But from what I read she was organizing the hen night, you were emailing her and when she didn't immediately jump the second and email hit her inbox you unilaterally decided you would take over. So she has been frozen out in that sense.

Also, I'm wondering, you're saying she was being sent 'outstanding queries'. Now for someone to get upset I'm imagining that these were not along the lines of 'What time do you want us at the station' and more along the lines of whinging, complaining and bitching about every aspect she'd organized.

Either she is completely insane and has imagined it all, in which case I wonder why the bride asked her to organize, or we're only hearing your side of it and there's a lot more to this story than we're hearing.

Sorry, I don't buy this at all. I think if we heard the other BMs story it would be very different....

Then I didn't explain myself properly. We were organising the hen night together and had made a plan of what to do together (there are three of us doing it) and it had got to 3 weeks before and we hadn't booked/finalised things so I sent an email among us saying we needed to get a wriggle on and book things - listing the things that needed doing and asking who wanted to do what, and making some suggestions for stuff that we hadn't pinned down. It's stuff like do we want a drinks package for the club (and if so, how much) and what food shall we do for the evening meal, also are there any preferences on where we do whichever activity and making suggestions.

Now I am probably a bit pushier/more proactive than her but I didn't book/decide on stuff as I know I can be a bit forthright sometimes. I made sure that everything was inclusive and was a group decision.

The emails have been responded to on reply all by the other organiser but not her, which I just don't understand - she has been included and then chosen not to include herself.

The outstanding queries were things we all hadn't done, and things that I could have made a decision on unilaterally and frozen her out but didn't want to. There was no whinging, complaining or bitching about any aspects she'd organised - they were grateful and also asked if she wanted help/money for stuff she was bringing.

I'm sure her side of the story would be quite different, but I'm not painting myself to be a saint and missing things out here. I keep re-reading the emails to see if I've said/done something obnoxious and I really can't see it. I am genuinely baffled by her lack of response to emails and then her comment that she's being bullied out of her role.

I'd your hen party really a 'year before the wedding meal' and are you demanding she give up 2 days a month to plan your wedding whilst refusing to talk about anything else?

If that's the case I would suggest either that she is a bit unstable in which case you should try and treat her with kid gloves, plaster on a smile and be conciliatory in the knowledge it will be over in a few weeks and you won't have to have anything to do with her again. Just humour her.

Or the other alternative is that it's not actually you that's upset her and one of the other organizers has done. You mention that there have been emails flying around privately so you don't know what other stirring has been going on the background, she might have a completely different idea of what has been going on. In which case you should also try to be kind and conciliatory and try and include her.

To be honest I think being conciliatory is all that you can do because anything else will involve arguing and upset which is not really fair on the bride. It might be difficult to do and you might not feel completely sincere doing it but try and smooth things over and emphasize that all you want is for everybody to have a good time and enjoy the day.

After it's all over by all means blank her but I think you'll just have to grit your teeth and be nice until it's all over.

That's the plan, Bridget - I just want to keep the peace for the bride, but feel my buttons being pushed (the announcement of going offline when there are still things to sort out really tried my patience). I'm still including her in all emails and hoping we get her input before we have to finalise stuff.

I'm just baffled (and slightly worried that I have upset her, what with being a paranoid soul). I hope it's a storm in a tea-cup and it'll all blow over, but I see her upsetting the bride, and by extension the groom, and worry it'll end badly.

Oh well, we're going to have a splendid hen-do and it'll all be forgotten (I hope) by the wedding.

Maybe email isn't her thing and she hadn't been receiving updates then felt pressured when decisions had to made?

Suck it up until after the wedding and try to plaster a smile on.

But she was so involved via email to start with. Like I say baffling.

Am sucking it up, but needed to get it out somewhere I wouldn't have dumped on the bride.

Look. If you really, really don't know what's upset her, just send her a message asking if she's ok and saying you hope that it's nothing that you've done, and saying that you'd still really value her input to make the day special for your friend who you all love.