To expect some support from DH re: Depression

[Fairypants]

I have had bouts of depression over the years. After both dd's were born, when there are problems in my life and sometimes for no reason.
I have always managed to come out the other side after a few years without support or medication. I have been feeling like I'm heading in that direction recently off and on so have told DH what is going on and asked for help but none is forthcoming. I told him again today how in feeling and he seemed sympathetic but when I asked him to stay close to me for the evening as this would really help in the short term he said he would just do the hoovering then stay with me after that. He then forgot and went of playing computer games.
He is no good with depression or expressions of emotion in general but AIBU to expect him to do something so simple when I a that specific about it or should I not expect support because I've always managed without it in the past?

I too have been partner to someone suffering depression (and have suffered it myself) and it is an incredibly difficult illness to support someone through.

Please speak to another gp. There is no more stigma in having depression on your notes than having chronic sinusitis, menstraul problems or a life threatening illness.

In all of those cases a partner can be a huge support - but the real input needed is medical treatment and lifestyle changes. Depression is no different.

I didn't like the idea of medication either but the right one - citalopram - has been very good. Combined with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy it has been life changing.

Even if you won't go to the doctor, please read - and more importantly do the activities in, the following books: Feeling Good by David Burns, Overcoming Depression, Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Fennell.

Asking your DH to read and discuss them with you might be good practical support.

Depression is an illness like any other. For the posters who seem to imply your condition is draining on your partner, would they say the same if you had MS or cancer...I doubt it. This is the problem, many people seem to think that depression is some kind of attention seeking non illness.

Oh do fuck off! Those of us who have lived with loved ones through depression know full well that it is a real illness and don't need convincing of that, but I would challenge anyone who has supported someone close through an extended period of serious clinical depression to say that it hasn't taken its toll on them as individuals. I just don't believe it. Nor would I believe anyone who said that the extended illness of a close family member had no emotional impact on them.

This isn't about blaming people who suffer with depression for their illness. They aren't choosing to be ill and of course it isn't their fault. It's about honestly acknowledging that it can be bloody difficult to live with people who are depressed, and I fail to see how pretending otherwise is going to help anyone to support their loved ones more effectively. We don't talk enough about mental health issues in this country, or about the impact of those issues on the wider family/community. We need a more open and honest dialogue.

If you are feeling down, then yes of course your partner should help and support you. This continues to apply if you are depressed in the medical sense of the word (and I'm uncertain from her posts as to whether this applies to the OP or not), but you also need to seek professional help. You wouldn't expect your partner to help you get through cancer or MS without professional support, so why is depression any different?

BarbarianMum and Jinsei Read the final part of my post! If someone becomes co-dependent on your partner/children/parent etc and go into bouts of depression, for which you seek no help whether it be medication or counselling, then I would agree with the posters upthread.

And Jinsei so fuck off yourself dear as you are making assumptions that I have not been in the situation you describe myself without knowing anything about me. I have actually been on both sides being brought up as a child by an alcoholic with severe clinical depression and had clinical depression myself for five years in my early 20's.

You sound depressed from your OP and it does sound like you are putting pressure on your dp even if you don't think your are. Please go and see your GP again and get some proper help in place so you can all feel better.

I was severely depressed after having ds ( hospitalised for many months) and I had no idea just how difficult and draining that must have been on dh. It's only recently that I have realised how hard it was on all the family as I have a depressed friend and I am finding it really hard to be supportive as I find it so draining, partly as she won't seek proper help.

hope you are feeling mush better soon

For the posters who seem to imply your condition is draining on your partner, would they say the same if you had MS or cancer...I doubt it

I beg to differ, I think any illness within a family affects the family as a whole not just the individual. That is why family counselling is often used in situations such as this.

OP you are getting these responses, I think, because of what you said in your OP: that you have had depression a number of times, sometimes for no reason, for years at a time.

That is a bit different from your later posts saying you just have bouts of feeling down. Being depressed for years, no matter how well you cope, is a serious business.

I think YANBU in wanting support from DH. But I think YABU in not seeking better treatment, from your GP or from different counsellors. You seem very proud of getting through without help and I get that, it must feel empowering in a way. But it's just not necessary. You CAN get help, you don't just need to take care of others, you deserve to be taken care of too.

I wonder how much of your refusal to ask for more support from others is because you fear they would let you down. It's easier to muddle through on your own than face the certainty that people who are supposed to love you won't actually help you.

I think there are two issues here OP.

One is your depression, for which you need to see a GP (who isn't a bit of a dimwit ) in order to get some anti-ds and some counselling. Depression requires treatment, don't feel bad about it. You need help here.

The other is your relationship with your H. It's very hard to tell whether he's being dreadfully unsupportive or just trying to cope with a familiar and difficult situation. Or a bit of both.

Address your depression as pragmatically as you can first and foremost. Get some support there - change doctors if you need to - and then you might be able to process the nature of your relationship with a clearer head.

He may well be being cold and unloving but it is impossible to tell from this thread right now.

Either way, I hope things improve for you very soon and you get the help you need

And Jinsei so fuck off yourself dear as you are making assumptions that I have not been in the situation you describe myself without knowing anything about me. I have actually been on both sides being brought up as a child by an alcoholic with severe clinical depression and had clinical depression myself for five years in my early 20's.

So are you saying that living with a parent who suffered from severe clinical depression had no impact on you? I suspect not.

I have made no assumptions about anyone, but personally I struggle to believe that you can live with someone who is severely depressed and not find it difficult to cope with this at times. Maybe I'm just not strong enough, but I will make no apology for how I feel.