I don't want shoes for my birthday!

[Justforlaughs]

I was given some money for my birthday, I needed some sandals (didn't have any shoes other than walking boots) and I bought myself a pair with the money (cost £50). My DH, on the other hand has just spent £100 on a new pair of trainers, as he has joined a running club and wanted a new pair (nothing wrong with his others). AIBU to think I should be able to "claim the money back" from the joint account and use my birthday money for a treat.

We have two accounts, I work part time and he puts extra money into my account which covers all the food and everyday exp.enses. "His"/ Joint account pays the bills and any extras

Well....if you'd asked DH for extra for new shoes would he have agreed? What would he usually say about clothes etc for you?

YANBU - shoes that you need should come out of household expenses. If you only had walking boots, then clearly you needed the sandals. They were not a treat or a birthday pressie, but an essential.

I think that both you and dh should have the same amount of money to spend on yourselves, be that clothes or hobbies. If he is thinking nothing of blowing £100 on trainers he doesn't need, but you only had one pair of shoes, then that suggests some serious inequalities in the relationship that need addressing asap.

You still have £50 of birthday money left. You can spend it on whatever you like.

Him holding the purse strings has never really bothered me until recently. (I am dreadful with money, so have a tight reign on available funds - my choice) But it seems to be more a case of one rule for me and another for him recently. For our wedding anniversary, he firstly forgot and then bought me a new phone (cost £100). He said that he had intended buying it for my birthday, so I would only have a small birthday pressie from him. That ended up being a book! That wouldn't have worried me except that the same day he bought himself a £250 toy (not being more specific in case it "outs" me). I'm just feeling a bit undervalued I suppose. He earns far more than me but that wasn't supposed to matter. All my own wages goes on food and kids stuff - like sports and clubs and petrol.

littlewhitebag I have £30 left and yes, I'll spend it on a treat for myself. I probably should be grateful that I don't need it for food or anything mundane as so many people would.

Neo If I asked I could have it, but I feel like he should offer. He knows what I spent my money on.

I think it's time that words were had about redistributing the family funds!

If he earns more than you, then he should pay a higher % of all household expenses - these include kids clubs etc.

You should both have the same amount of money left to spend on yourself - it doesn't matter that he earns more than you - if you were working full time then a big chunk of money would be going on child care costs. You are in a marriage and it is grossly unfair that one of you is going without, while the other is blowing money on £250 toys.

I doubt very much that you are crap with money - so far you have been doing a brilliant job on very little - the person in the relationship who sounds shit with money is him!

Honestly, he is taking the piss. Stop letting him!

you don't have many shoes as you spend £50 on sandals

you need to sit down and discuss the rest with your husband

Not to be flippant about the money issue, which sounds rubbish, but you could have bought yourself 5 pairs of shoes for £50, thus vastly increasing your shoe availability for any occasion (looks at 60+ pairs of shoes in wardrobe and questions how anyone can manage with just one pair of walking boots.....) ... Surely you really have more than one pair of shoes?

Why didn't you just use household money in the first place?

Surely though if bills are paid, you can both spend as much as you want from what's leftover?

We rarely buy presents anymore, just buy what we want as we go along.

If my husband spends an amount on himself, I don't find it necessary to spend that, or anything on myself or have him spend it on me!

I spent £50 on a pair of sandals that actually fit me and don't hurt. I have real trouble finding shoes that do. I don't have many shoes as I can only wear one pair at a time. I have walking shoes, work shoes (actually school shoes from Clarks, that cost me £3, 3 years ago!), a pair of heels (that I bought 8 years ago - but are still ok as I don't wear them much) and now a pair of sandals that will do 2 years.
And in fairness, I am REALLY crap with money! I know he'd give me the money for shoes, or anything else if I ask, I just wish he'd think of it without me asking.

Well perhaps now is the time to learn to be less crap with money. He's treating you like a child because you are allowing it by abdicating responsibility for your own finances.

Sounds like you have two choices... Sort out being "crap with money" and have some spare cash to spend on nice things when you fancy them (like your OH seems to do with trainers, gadgets etc) or have to ask for cash when you need stuff because you're not able to manage your pennies.

It's fair enough spending money on good shoes that fit well but they shouldn't be out of your birthday money if your PT wages are spent on family activities but there is spare money in your joint account to spend on running shoes/boys toys! You need to sort something out so you can buy yourself stuff you need.

And for the record, having only one pair of feet is not a valid reason not to have lots of shoes.. Not in this house anyway!!

Nobody is a mind-reader. He's not going to think of it without you asking.

I dunno OP. He doesn't sound unreasonable but you aren't asking. I don't think 50 is that much for a pair of comfy sandals.

When I was a SAHM dh used to feel guilty that a new suit and shirt cost him a lot and I was happy with a pair of leggings and a new jersey for a fraction of the cost. All depends what you need x

Actually I don't think he is being unreasonable, and maybe I am for wishing he would think of it. I'm pretty lucky all round actually.
Mind you, just watching Antiques Roadshow and a young lady has just been told that the broach her DH bought her is worth £10,000!!! Now that's lucky!

I think you just need to let him know you need money from the joint account and go and buy yourself some sandals/flip flops/Jimmy Choos/whatever and not expect him to have Mystic Meg-esque powers of deduction... then you can spend your birthday money on nice things which are a proper treat

Agree about the brooch though... Nice little gift!!

My birthday money for the last 2 yars has gone on 1) weed suppressing underlay for the veggie garden and 2) the mortgage - so I feel your pain! Go get somethig special for your £50 - shoes are essentials, not a treat!

Depends so much on your financial situation. If I need shoes I buy them - otherwise might need to wait for birthday money. Some shoes might be total luxury / not needed so would be happy to spend my birthday money on. For that reason I usually have an amazon wish list for my birthday to avoid getting money that just gets lost in household expenses.

If he's spending hundreds of pounds on treats and toys for himself while you don't have any shoes then you are not the one who is crap with money. When there is only one income earner in a family, then the income earned is family money, and should be arranged in such a way that all necessary bills are paid and living costs met, and then the adults in the family have the same amount of money to spend on themselves without discussion. Whether the family budget allows you each about £5 to spend on a weekly treat or whether you each have a spare couple of hundred per month to buy yourself booze/cinema tickets/diamond nose rings/whatever is irrelevant; when The Man Of The House spends £100 on nights out/toys/diamond cock rings while his wife has to ask permission to buy a cup of coffee on a shopping trip, there's a problem.

But he's not stopping her buying shoes, is he?

She doesn't have access to money-her own choice, & isn't asking for any-or have I misunderstood?

No, he wouldn't stop me buying shoes. I suppose I've been unreasonable, expecting him to know that I mind using my birthday money for shoes without me saying so.

diddl it seems that's exactly what's happening ... The actual question from the OP is " is my husband being unreasonable not offering money from the joint account so I can buy myself shoes he doesn't know I want"