to not want ex trying to control what DS does at my house

[calvinandhobbesfan]

Been separated for several years. We still get on well but we do have differing attitudes towards parenting. Ex still tries to control certain issues.

Such as "He's been on his DS for 20 minutes this morning so no more DS today. Or computer"

Or "Don't let him watch too much TV" - even though it's perfectly ok for ex to let him watch a long film.

Or "make sure he gets some fresh air today." When she rings up to check ask what we're doing.

Or "make sure he has a healthy lunch / tea"

Don't get me wrong - I do not let him sit for hours watching TV or playing on the computer. And we do get outside and do stuff.

But I do get pissed off with all her demands and need to control what DS does in my house. I'm just not sure how to handle this as it's exactly the same as when we lived together - her opinion was the only one that counted and my opinion mattered for fuck all. I don't want to get into an argument but how can I get her to see that's it "my house, my rules" when DS is with me?

YANBU. In fact you sound like a terrific parent and an understanding and generous ex. Your ex-wife sounds like a monumental, controlling pain in the ass. You have every right to do as YOU see fit when your DS is with you. The only exception to this would be either a welfare issue, or a serious behavioural issue that needs tacking between the two of you. What you describe is simply petty. Tell her, calmly but firmly, that you welcome information about what DS has been doing but you won't be dictated to about what happens when he's with you.

OP do it to her too. At drop off time "he has had a long day so make sure he has an early night". The next day "its raining today, make sure he wears his waterproof"

Just send her a link to this thread !

The only time I say stuff like that to my ex is if one of the monsters has been truly 'orrible and has a tech-ban in place. It's rare, and has usually been discussed already with him by email at the time of the ban being issued. They get loads of screen time at his place, but they have less time overall there so they get to do what makes them all relatively happy.

Not a single one of us can control or even influence what goes on in the time our DC are away from us.

How they behave, what they eat/wear/do if that depends on another adult.

Even if OP was plonking his child in front of the telly, allowing him to eat crap, stay up late, what could any of us actually do. If the child is safe, fed etc and coming to no real harm...

By saying to OP that it's wrong to tell her it's his house, his rules, it's perpetuation of HER lack of trust.

OP, you do need to set her straight, and as tempting as it may be to hand your son back with a list of demands/limits that SHE must adhere to, it'll only place your DS in the middle of all this.

I would contact her, when DS isn't around to hear and tell her that she can't control what anyone does when she's not with him. She will have to trust you, as she does (I hope) school/nursery and let you do the job of parenting the way you know works for you and your DS.

If she wants to make allowances for the fact that you may be allowing him some telly time, then she can reduce the time SHE allocates him to allow for it, but you WON'T be dictated to, when you are doing a good job of parenting without her instructions/interference.

Her 'grilling' DS when he gets back needs to stop too. Or she'll either encourage him to lie to her, or give him guilt issues.

Then that's it. No more discussions.

OP if dh and I split up I fear I would be like your EXW I can be quite controlling and I don't feel comfortable not knowing what the dc are up to and I don't trust dh to parent them in the way I would like. While I know theoretically that he has as much right as me to choose how he parents them there are some things which I really don't like and which really bother me because I think it is potentially harmful to the dc as they grow up. To other people these things are minor and not an issue (things like tv time, sugary drinks etc)

In your exw's situation op I would find it easier to stop checking up on you (which of course she shouldn't be doing) if I knew that we had agreed some ground rules for the dc and that those were applied across both his homes. So for example if we agreed like a pp said on 30mins max screen time a day (more than I think necessary but perhaps less than you allow so a compromise) if i knew you would apply that then I would feel happier and feel less need to check up on you. Having agreement like that on some key points that were stuck to by both of you would build trust so that other aspects you are not questioning each other's parenting.

I've been on both sides of this coin, and think at the moment you've given too little information to know whether you are being unreasonable or not.

For example, how often do you see your son? When you say more generous, what do you mean? When you discuss issues, is it her telling you or are they genuine discussions? Have you challenged her assumptions in the past? How often does she say it, is it every time or occasionally?

Also have you considered your son's role in this. With my ex step-daughter, she would actively exaggerate on the phone to get her Dad in trouble whenever she didn't get her own way, but on the other side, my son (who is sat in front of the computer all day when at his Dad's and by his Dad's own admission also has unlimited unsupervised access to internet at the age of 7 - not an exaggeration sadly) my son has on more than one occasion asked me to say something because he doesn't feel able to.

How well do you get on with your ex, is this something you can approach in a non-accusing way, something that opens discussion rather than gets her on the defensive? Something as simple as "you've mentioned that before, I never have done, is this something we need to talk about?"

It is very hard to let go sometimes and very hard to hear that Dad's great because he lets me do this and that and everything I want when you have to be the one that sets all the boundaries.

But you know your ex best, when I've mentioned something my son has brought up, my ex will either challenge it or we discuss it like adults. But I know for my step-daughter, it would have meant the end of contact for a while at least if the mum was challenged on anything. So sometimes smile and nod works and sometimes it doesn't but it might help if you found out where her concerns are coming from.