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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH cousins should organise their own holiday?

20 replies

LifeHope11 · 22/06/2013 12:26

DH got a message from his cousin who lives abroad....they (he, his DW & 2 DC) are coming to visit the UK for a couple of weeks and asked if they can stay, asked about good places to visit.

Our DS is severely disabled, we have had a couple of very recent and ongoing health scares with him. We live in an adapted house which is barely big enough for once. If guests stay they have to be given DS adapted room or our room, there is nowhere else. Also DH's DM is chronically ill and this has hit DH too. DH cousin aware of all this.

I told DH it wasn't practical for them to stay with us or only for a night or two at most - though would be good to see them when they are here, go for days out together, suggests places to visit etc.

DH phoned his cousin to explain this, cousin's response was 'Well can you find us a good hotel and book it for us?'. They seem to have an expectation that DH plan their holiday - though it was their idea to come in the first place.

AIBU to be cross about this? It would have been so nice if cousin had said to DH 'We are coming to the UK, we know you are having a tough time at the moment, can we take you out for a meal/day out/offer you any support while we are here?'. As it is I just feel that we are being used for a cheap holiday. BTW it is a long long time that we have had a holiday dearly as we would love one. Circumstances at present make it impossible.

OP posts:

Original poster

LifeHope11 · 22/06/2013 12:27

Should read, our house is 'barely big enough even for us'.

OP posts:

cantreachmytoes · 22/06/2013 12:35

What about your DH dropping them a email or calling to suggest they have a look online (hotels.com, bookings.com, or a b&b from Sawdays - or whatever!) and see which ones they like the look of because often there are better deals online anyway?

Sorry, to answer your question, YNBU. My bet is that they've never been asked to book a hotel for someone else. People often seem to assume that people know about the hotels in their area, forgetting that those are the ones you'd be LEAST likely to know about!

People often don't understand exactly what it means to have health problems with a child. It sounds like they're being insensitive, from a point of ignorance rather than maliciousness. It perhaps grates more because you would love to have a holiday yourselves?

Abra1d · 22/06/2013 12:36

I don't think asking you to book a good local hotel is too much of an ask, tbh. I sympathise about the not-very-big house bit and relatives wanting to stay: we have similar issues!

quoteunquote · 22/06/2013 12:37

Send them a link to relevant trip advisor pages.

They must want to see you, they probably don't quite realise the extent of the pressure you are under.

They will have a better understanding after you catch up,

send them links of recommend local B&B, hotels,

and explain, that you wouldn't want the demands that you are under to put a dampener on their holiday,

so you think it will be easier for them to have their own space to retreat to,

if you explain in a way where you are being considerate to them , they won't take offence.

TerribleTantrums · 22/06/2013 12:40

Switch to communicating by email (if you aren't already). Google hotels and send them a list of possibles, say "I'm listing the websites of the hotels below so you can book directly online yourself". If you have personal experience of any of them then recommend them, otherwise just say you don't know very much about any of the local hotels (so that you don't get the blame if they book a bad one).

Google your local tourism/things to do website for your area. Say "this/these websites have great suggestions for things to do, I couldn't advise you any better myself".

End by saying "we are looking forward to meeting up with you, let us know your schedule and we will have you over to us for dinner one night".

Be thick-skinned in future phone-calls, ignore hints and respond to explicit requests with "It's better if you do that yourself so that you get what you want".

50shadesofbrown · 22/06/2013 12:41

Can you send them some links to your local tourist information centre etc? If they carry on asking you to organise their holiday, just say, no, sorry, you're too busy with family issues. If they want to come over that much, they will sort it. If not, they will go elsewhere. They need to stand on their own two feet.

Trills · 22/06/2013 12:41

How would you know what is a "good hotel" in your area? You don't stay in hotels where you live. You know no more than anyone else.

Original poster

LifeHope11 · 22/06/2013 12:48

You are probably right cantreachmytoes that it is our circumstances that are making me feel resentful and react like this. And I don't think for a moment that they are malicious & understand it is hard to appreciate what having a sick DC entails if one hasn't been there. But I think that in their place I would not want to make demands like this on DH and expect him to take ownership of someone's holiday plans like this.

My DH has already sent them some travel links, suggested places to visit etc. That is fine to do but they should take it from there & book everything themselves. These are intelligent people who have travelled all over the world and are fully capable of making their own travel plans. They would just rather have DH do it.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 22/06/2013 12:50

Ynbu they are.

As others say email links to good hotels and attractions and leave it to them

Original poster

LifeHope11 · 22/06/2013 12:51

That is a very good idea quoteunquote, to phrase the explanation as to why it would be better for them to stay elsewhere. I will suggest that to DH.

OP posts:

TimeofChange · 22/06/2013 12:52

Don't book hotels for them.
You have to 'hold' the rooms on a credit card.
If they don't turn up your credit card will be charged for the first night.

Send them a list of local accommodation and then they can make their own choice.

hermioneweasley · 22/06/2013 12:54

YANBU - adults should be able to book a hotel!

Original poster

LifeHope11 · 22/06/2013 12:58

Thanks all, it mostly confirms what I thought. For the sake of avoiding any lingering resentment spoiling future relationship with them, it is far better that DH does not accept responsibility for our holiday plans & that instead we just meet up and have a good time when they are here.

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 22/06/2013 13:39

Don't hold this against them, I don't think they did anything wrong. You are right that it's your circumstances that are making you feel like this, and when you already have a lot to deal with it only takes something tiny to make you feel completely overwhelmed.

Tbh, I have cousins in various locations across the world, and if I was going to one of them I'd ask my cousins for advice on where to stay, and I'd be happy to do the same for my cousins.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 22/06/2013 13:50

I think they probably thought you might know of some decent hotels in your area. I know which ones local to me have better facilities / better nights sleep based on what previous visiting friends and family have said. When I go to stay near my friend she recommended which hotel in the area was in the best place for me to get around easily.
Even if you don't know the hotel you are likely to know the area it is in and recommend where is best location wise.

As for them expecting you to book it, did they have a reason? Like a currency issue or anything? If not, YANBU to not book it for them. Just send them the info of the best rated ones in the area that is closest to you and let them do the rest.

QOD · 22/06/2013 13:53

I wouldn't book a hotel for someone else, don't you usually have to pay?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 22/06/2013 14:29

Yes, I'd worry that when they say "book it for us" what they really mean is "and pay for it".

greensmoothiegoddess · 22/06/2013 15:05

FFS - can't believe they are asking you to book a bleedin' hotel for them. I would NEVER ask anyone else to do this for me - whether it be at home or abroad. How utterly bizarre in this day and age of internet and Trip Advisor like sites. What is wrong with these people?

notmyproblem · 22/06/2013 16:06

Don't hold this against them, I don't think they did anything wrong.

Um really? So it's completely normal and expected and right to invite yourself to stay at a cousin's house, then tell that cousin to book a hotel for you instead?

They are either thick/lazy (can't be bothered to think through how this would work for OP and her DS, can only see how this will benefit themselves) or they don't know enough about OP's family's situation and therefore aren't close enough to OP and her DH to make these requests. Either way, it's a big fat NO.

Stand up to them OP, they trying to take advantage of you -- as your instincts told you they were.

Original poster

LifeHope11 · 22/06/2013 16:12

No there wa no specific reason that they can't book, it was just an automatic 'can you sort it for us?'. Yes of course we can give them advice as to hotels that look good, in good location etc., I just don't want the responsibility for making the arrangements foisted onto DH. I would rather that we just stuck to managing our own lives and letting them manage theirs.

And yes I do worry that we might get stuck with a hotel bill...if one of them was ill & they couldn't come, if there was a problem with their credit card etc. it wouldn't be the first time that family members had a cavalier attitude to our money & left us out of pocket (long backstory that I won't go into here!)

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