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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell this couple I am withdrawing the invitation to our wedding?

50 replies

Castafar · 22/06/2013 10:27

I have invited the close friends of my brother to my wedding, because I wanted my brother to have a friend there, and also because this couple invited us to their wedding.

I've now fallen out spectacularly with my brother and he will not be attending the wedding. However his friends remain invited. They won't really know anyone else at the wedding and we don't socialise with them normally.

What do I do? I keep thinking it would be best if they don't come because

a) it will get my brother's back up and possibly cause a problem between him and his friend.

b) they're not great friends of ours. The only time we have socialised with them is when we went to their wedding.

C) they won't really know anyone else if my brother is not there.

It would be rude to ask them not to come now, I'm very aware of that. But I keep thinking how odd it would now be to have them there and we are having a rather small intimate wedding.

OP posts:

FortKnox · 22/06/2013 11:25

Chances are they might decide not to come of their own accord.

If you want to make up with your brother then uninviting his friends seems like a risky move...

imademarion · 22/06/2013 11:29

They behaved generously and graciously inviting you to their wedding when you were in their country. It's nice manners to return that kindness, regardless of your relationship with your brother.

Agree with pps who suggest you concentrate your efforts on sorting things out closer to home.

Or resign yourself to years of 'why isn't Uncle Castafar in any of your wedding photos?'

Plus, in decades to come, you'll both feel really uncomfortable about him missing it over something that could be resolved in 'months.'

Hope it's a lovely day for you whatever happens!

ll31 · 22/06/2013 11:35

You can't uninvite them, and I wouldn't even mention your rift ti them, or there's danger they'll think you want them not to go.

Inertia · 22/06/2013 11:41

Don't rescind the invitation, that would be incredibly bad manners. They invited you to their wedding, so it's lovely that you have reciprocated, irrespective of what your brother does.

Their presence may help build bridges with your brother. If you uninvite them, you'd be blowing the bridge out of the water .
Do you have any other family members that this couple could sit with ?

SolidGoldBrass · 22/06/2013 11:42

I get the impression that it's your brother who's refusing to make up with you. I was going to suggest that if this couple are really good friends of his, you ask their advice on making up with him.

However (and you don't need to give any details) is it that you have done something that your brother considers unforgivable? If so, don't involve the other couple as that will make him even angrier with you.

raisah · 22/06/2013 11:47

Dont uninvite them because you are obligated to return the invitation as you went to theirs regardless of the fact that they are acquaintances rather than close friends. They may choose to decline due to various reasons but the invite should remain. They have not fallen out with you so you should remain polite & hospitable towards them.

Mia4 · 22/06/2013 13:47

castafar have you actually invited them? Because you say above that I don't know how they think I will have invited them - probably they will think it's because we went to their wedding. I haven't invited any others from my brother's group of friends.

Fakebook · 22/06/2013 13:55

Make friends with your brother.

ENormaSnob · 22/06/2013 14:02

It would be very rude and unfair to uninvite them.

You would look a complete tool in doing so.

Mia4 · 22/06/2013 14:05

To be fair on you OP, everyone is saying mend with you brother but from your comments it appears you've tried. I know firsthand that if someone won't also try or give a damn then there's nothing you can do, you have to let them come to you. If he misses your wedding, you will be sad but he should be the one regretting because it's his choice not to bother mending to. Just know you've done all you can.

Also said brother may be royally in the wrong, so telling the OP to make up may be compromising on his bad behaviour.

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/06/2013 14:11

I'm not sure how it is a small, intimate wedding if you have space to invite two fairly random people just to keep your brother company

Jan49 · 22/06/2013 14:45

If the situation with your brother is temporary, it seems very sad that it includes the time of your wedding. You might both be able to forget about a few months where you fell out, but it will be harder when you remember that he missed your wedding. Maybe it's worth focussing on making up with your brother.

I'm also a bit puzzled about the small intimate wedding that you invite 2 of your brother's friends to. How many guests? I think it will seem odd to have them there whether your brother is there or not. Your brother shouldn't need some friends along at his own sister's wedding to keep him company.

DontmindifIdo · 22/06/2013 15:39

how many guests do you have coming? I tend to think the best weddings are when you split up tables a little, so don't have a whole table of your friends, a whole table of your DH2B's friends, a table of your family, his family etc, mix it up a bit, aim for 2 couples on each table who know each other already, but not a whole group, that way having one couple who know noone won't be too out of place sat with a bunch of people who've been friends for decades. If you're really worried, sit them with an aunt/Uncle of yours or your DH's, and pre-warn said older relative that X couple don't know anyone else at the wedding so could relatives make sure they are included in conversations at the meal.

Re your brother, it would be a real pity if he missed your wedding over something you are sure is a temporary situation, could your parents not have a word with him?

Startail · 22/06/2013 15:54

You are reciprocating their wedding invitation.
They are adults, they are a couple, they don't need your brother there to 'play' with. They aren't six.

Grow up, make up with your brother and stop treating your wedding like a kids birthday party.

crumblepie · 22/06/2013 16:07

they probably wouldnt go now if they are only friends with your brother and will welcome the excuse not to come now .

Original poster

Castafar · 22/06/2013 18:42

I am sure they will be fine socialising. The woman is very outgoing, the man rather shy.

Apart from everything else that is going on, they did invite us to their wedding and made us feel very welcome. Therefore I really feel I should invite them to ours.

OP posts:

Original poster

Castafar · 22/06/2013 18:45

You're correct in as far as my brother shouldn't need friends there to keep him company, but as we went to their wedding I thought it would be polite to invite them to ours. I also thought it would be nice for my brother to have a good friend there as he doesn't usually like socialising at big family things. He's not very comfortable in those situations, introverted.

OP posts:

ChaoticTranquility · 22/06/2013 19:11

Oh, FFS, do some of you not bother reading the OP's posts. She's already said that she has tried to make up but atm her brother isn't interested. If she tries to push it she could end up pushing him further away.

OP you can't withdraw the invitation now. Just make sure they're on a table with people who will include them in the conversation.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 22/06/2013 19:19

Do you have anyone who can speak to your brother? Is what you have done so very bad he couldn't possibly get over it before the wedding?

frutilla · 22/06/2013 19:24

Surely they will speak to your brother before the wedding anyway and find out that he's not going. I understand your anxiety over this, but I think they will communicate and the issue will resolve itself naturally if you just leave things be.

justmyview · 22/06/2013 19:37

I think the invitation stands. Hope you make up with your DB soon

Pinkflipflop · 22/06/2013 19:41

If you will be friends with your brother in a few months why can't you make up with him now?

It'll be such a shame if he misses your wedding, you can't undo that in a few months.

Won't it make for a really awkward day with people asking where brother is etc?

LilacPeony · 22/06/2013 19:44

I think the fact that they kindly invited you to their wedding is enough reason for you to reciprocate without them needing to have your brother there. They will have each other to talk to and may chat to other guests if they want to. Hopefully your brother will come to your wedding as it would be a shame not to have such a close family member there.

SoftlySoftly · 22/06/2013 19:48

They'll be fine people expect small talk with strangers at weddings. Don't overthink seating etc.

And tell us your fall out! We can help, we'll some it in no time, it's not our curiosity you understand we just want to help.

LilacPeony · 22/06/2013 19:50

" it's not our curiosity you understand we just want to help."

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