AIBU to say to my 19y 'see life is not that easy after all you have to put a bit of effort in'

[SodaStreamy]

My Ds1 soon to be 20 has coasted quite happily the last few years, a college course that he left with zero grade as didn't even want to sit the exam.

Got a job which now coming to an end (temp contract) and he is panicking no one else will employ him because his qualifications are not great (1 higher, 4 standard grades, 2 Int 2's)

Instead of being full of sympathy I said (but in a joking way) 'See I bet wish you'd listened to me and your dad now when we were encouraging you do do well at school/college,you only have yourself to blame'

He thinks I being unsympathic and should be motivating him and telling him he has done no wrong and will succeed regardless.

His words were 'Well you telling me I've fucked up is not going help I thought mums had to be on their kids side regardless'

So AIBU or his HIBU?

He's saying what most 19yr olds would say to that.

It stings because it's true but you're not telling him he's fucked up...just that you get out what you put in

HIBU but tbh it might achieve more to talk about his options. Can he go back to college and resit his exams, or try for an apprenticeship with training? I think you're right to be honest with him, it might make him face up to the fact he needs to get launched.

I'd offer to sit down with him and come up with a positive action plan. Back to college? Other qualifications? Keep up with the temp work to build up experience and a good cv + recommendations? Open U courses? He's only 19 - if he's realised he needs to get serious, then he certainly can get any qualification he would like.

He is saying what my brother - who is now well into his 30s - still says to that type of comment.

No. I firmly believe that, whilst you should support children in what they do, pointless and empty encouragement does them no favours. Mine are, thankfully, still pre-school, but I'd say exactly what you did in future.

I would be asking him what he plans to do to sort his future to be honest.

I think this is an occasion where you should aim for strictly neutral. So don't go all motivational (he needs to do that for himself), don't tell him 'I told you so' (even if you did), don't make suggestions as to what he could do to sort things out. Instead tell him:

1. You are on his side, always
2. This is his life and he needs to come up with solutions

Oh, I do agree I would move on to constructive comments about future options in due course. But he needs to accept it won't miraculously all 'come good' before that can happen. The problem with my brother was he fell on his feet in the nick of time far too often.

He is an adult. You can offer to assist, but he should be doing what he needs to. My parents were married with 2 kids and a mortgage at that age.

I am not recommending that btw just that youth of today seem to expect their parents to sort everything out for them.

So he knows he fucked up.

In my day it was taken as read that we were grown-up at twenty. Now, it seems, they still need parental approval regardless of age or degree of fuck-up.

He is being unreasonable.

He thinks he is grown up enough to make his own decisions. But when he fucks up he wants to be protected like a child.

(But to be fair to him, that's how we all seem to treat young people nowadays.)

Sorry running. I think they still need/want money - although people might call that a tangible demonstration of approval.

No I agree I was living with his dad at 19 , married at 20 , mortgaged at 22 and mum at 23

Although I know they way my life went should be the same we his life goes but I do keep going 'well when I was your age i did this'

And he'll probably look on my thoughts the same way I looked on my parents , well meaning but out of touch

It might be easier to bite your tongue and help him through this patch. Whatever you gain from saying I told you so now, you lose when your son still hasn't got his act together in 5 years time. Be supportive now and he'll eventually realise that you were right all along.

I would say as well if you are a 19 year old that doesn't have great qualifications, and don't really know what you want to do in life , you might feel feel lost and scared

I think you were right to say what you said, it is actually the most supportive thing you could say, because hopefully he is having a long hard think.

Does he still live with you?

I think you have to be careful of your next steps. Yes you want to be supportive, but he needs to find the motivation to decide what he wants to do and take the steps to make it happen - otherwise he will just drop out again and blame you because it was your idea.