...to not help out with DS' school events

[thylarctosplummetus]

DH and I both work full time, leave the house at 7:15am drop the kids off at daycare/school club, and don't get back after picking the kids up until 6pm. It works well for all of us, we can't afford to cut down work hours and the kids are happy at daycare and school. Of course we'd like to see more of them, but it's either a case of work full time, or don't work at all.

Anyway, we get regular invitations to not only attend school events (of which there seems to be one about every month) but also to organise and run them.

Am I being unreasonable to not volunteer, and not offer to help out with hanging paintings for the art show, attending committee meetings, organising fundraising events etc. I'm unable to do stuff during the day because of work, and once I get home and the kids are in bed, I just want to crash. That's if I'm not working late or playing touch rugby, which I generally do once a week each.

Sorry if all of the above sounds really self indulgent and mopey, I'm feeling plagued by guilt on all sides. Work want me to do more, I want to be able to spend more time with the kids, DH wants me to spend more time with him, I joined a friend's touch rugby team to help out because they were short on girls, and feel bad if I let them down, and then there's school as well. DH is an absolute star, and because his work are more flexible about working from home, it means he can often do early pickups or look after the kids when they're sick if required. He's been to a couple of the school events, and wasn't made to feel very comfortable - most of the other parents (mainly mums) ignoring him and only talking to me.

I'm just not one of those super mums that can do everything. I feel it a pretty big achievement to send DS to school having done his reading homework and in clean clothes.

YANBU to not want to attend every event, but it might be nice to manage one or two a year. You don't even have to attend meetings, just turning up on the night and serving tea and coffee or washing up is a big help.

A lot of the people who do PTA etc are just as busy as you. Every child within a school benefits from fundraising, but usually only a minority of parents regularly help.

YABU. Parents want all of these special events run, but they're not willing to put their hand up to do anything to make them run smoothly. No one is expecting you to be the head of the P&C or even to run the fundraisers, but you should put in some effort and try a few times a year to do something. You could offer to make up flyers on your home computer, or to staple raffle books together (which you could do at home in front of the tv). How about offering to usher for one of the shows or plays? You'd probably go anyway, and there's no massive workload in advance, just showing people to their seats for a night. Stick around after an event and help clean up.

You want your son to benefit from all the fundraising, you want him to use the sports equipment they buy, the computers they buy, the school hall they build. So make an effort and do something about it.

I'm sure you can come up with something that you could do. One parent at our school is a single dad and works two jobs. He showed up the day before our fundraising bbq at the local hardware with 20kg of sausages that he'd managed to get for cost price from a meat wholesaler. Another parent couldn't help out on the day, but buttered ten loaves of bread the night before and dropped it off at the BBQ on her way to work. Those people are just as valued at the school as the parent that is visibly helping out with everything.

One of those 'super mums' who can do everything? I don't think they exist. You are confusing that with being one of those mums who is always there at school volunteering for this, that and the other, so you think they 'do everything' but they don't go out to work full time as well. SAHMs make sacrifices to be able to SAH, in just the same way that you make sacrifices to go out to work. They care just different sacrifices, that's all - no point in feeling guilty about it. We all make our choices and we should all have the confidence to stand by them and stop apologising or justifying.

You are not obliged to help with anything at school if you don't want to - in fact I would say the majority of mothers don't help with anything ever, whether they work or not, and the same small group always do everything.

The school sends the same requests out to everyone - they don't know who can and cannot find the time or the inclination to help. You sound as if you expect them to know this and they are doing it on purpose to make you feel guilty.

They are different sacrifices, not they care