... to think that MN has some very fixed views about financial issues?

[lessonsintightropes]

My DH and I have quite different jobs and earn different money. We sat down and talked about it when we first moved in after nine months together and when the income inequality wasn't as big as it is now. At that time, we agreed I'd pay 55% of our shared bills (rent and utilities), he'd pay 45% and we'd both keep the difference of our own salaries, whilst taking food shopping/any eating out etc in turns.

When we got married, I also got promoted - and we agreed we'd get a joint account for shared expenses, this time now including food, entertaining and presents; my % of household spend went up, his went down. But also keep our separate accounts so we both have our own pin money/disposable income (mainly so he can't get judgy about how much I spend on books and I can't object to his occasional, once yearly spend on guitar pedals..!) We are ttc at present. Once (hoping for BFP soon) we have our pfb we will include childcare costs as a shared bill, but still retain our slightly separate financial situations. It means I can sometimes afford to treat us to a holiday - rather than trying to budget for it within joint finances, which wouldn't stretch - and so have been a bit surprised by some of the 'what's his is mine, and what's mine is his, end of' attitude on some other discussions of late.

AIBU to think that a marriage can have some shared expenditure, particularly on all household and joint things, including childcare, whilst still keeping some elements of financial independence from each other? I am - admittedly - touchy about money, as I grew up super-skint and therefore find talking about it quite difficult (one too many times watching my Mum crying about the gas bill) and keen to retain some measure of financial independence. He's much less fussed really. Both of us are on the deeds for the house and worked out that if something terrible happened and we broke up we'd split the house 50/50 regardless of who put in more. But other people seem to have very different ideas. I'd be very interested to find out why?

The only bit of advice I would give to people who have separate accounts is to make sure that your DH/P at least has access to your account - otherwise it can be an utter nightmare to access funds in the worst case scenario (unless of course he/she is a twat, in which case there are probably other things for you to worry about)

I suspect you'll find the split less to do with age than with the money imbalance in the relationship - similar to those threads where some SAHMs argue that "he couldn't do his job without me at home" whilst WOHMs and LPs look on in bafflement.

For women who are higher earners or who have financial independence, pooling everything makes less sense. As a poster up thread said, if you have your own money, you need more trust to keep things separate, not less.

For me personally, I would loathe to have to pay my money into a joint account. But both DH and I are responsible for our own pensions, savings & investments etc. I can't imagine abdicating responsibility for that (and it helps that neither of us are bad with money).

I certainly would find it strange if someone my age pooled everything, but wouldn't find it bad or wrong in any way - just curious and not the norm.

I never got this 'family' money thing.

The family doesn't earn money. I earn money, OH earns money. 'The family' doesn't (looking at you DD! ).

I would completely freak out if I was not finically independent.

But really, why does it matter how other people run their finances? Tis works for us, great. Joint works for you, fabulous.

I love the idea that because you do something 'differently', you're doing it 'wrong'

YABU to think that "MN" has fixed views about financial issues.

To be honest I don't really understand what you were saying in your OP. You didn't set out very clearly what you thought was the "MN view" or what you disagreed with.

FWIW I feel strongly that people should have their own spending money, but I think that that "spending money" should be equal, even if you earn different amounts.

Having separate accounts doesn't mean that you don't share.

In any financial set up between two people, communication is the most important thing.

It's no good having 'family money' in one joint account if one person spends it all on luxuries before the other has had a chance to buy the weeks shopping with it.

As long as the lines of communication are open and you have two people in a marriage that want to support and care for each other, names on a bank account doesn't really make much difference.

OP we organised our finances pretty much like you when we started living together although we also used the joint account for food, dinners out etc. It meant we both paid a similar proportion into the joint account and had decent individual disposable cash in our own bank accounts. There wasn't a massive disparity in our incomes anyway so I think that helped.

Since we had a child and I've been on mat leave our finances have got more intertwined. DH has basically paid for our life, my mat pay has been used to top up our ISAs and for whatever I've fancied buying for myself along with helping out with credit card bills every so often. But overall it's still all our joint cash even if it is in a few places.

Once I go back to work I will be earning considerably less as I will only work three days a week. Possibly the proportional approach won't work as well but we'll discuss it and adjust accordingly and will take childcare costs into account. Just like we did with pay rises and bonuses etc. Of those who say its unromantic it takes an hour every so often and we usually walk through the park if this helps make it less business like.

I think as long as it doesn't cause arguments, or leaving one person feel deprived or taken for granted then its a personal decision.
Me and DH have always pooled our money, even when we first started dating. When we dicided to buy a house together we opened a joint account. We only have that one account, both wages go in, all bills come out. If I want to buy something, I buy it. If DH wants to buy something, he buys it.
He earns significantly more than me but we both agree that what works for us us the idea that everything is ours.

Doesn't mean it's right or wrong. My parents have always had separate accounts and its always caused arguments about who owes who what!

I think you you misunderstand slightly.

Ultimately you are doing much of what MN generally advocates.

A shared pot and a separate one for personal spending, the only difference in many cases on mn is that the spending accounts should be equal i.e. you are equally valued for what you bring to the relationship.

I earnt almost double what dh did prior to dc, we had this system then I gave up work (career not compatible with children). I am now SAHM and it works the other way with dh contributing way more.

It's very easy to have shared money but still remain financially independent.

I add H's income to mine. His is double as I work PT. I then add the household bills up, shopping, diner money, child care and an extra £100 for days out, kids clothes and that sort of thing and take that off the joint income. What's left is split 50/50 into our personal accounts for spending on personal stuff like clothes and nights out.

The money is shared but it means we can spend on what we want or save for things that each other wouldn't necessarily want to pay for (eyes DH's unused kayak)

Sorry X post.

Exactly what Doris said.

YANBU I had an arrangement like you with my DH but he grew dissatisfied and wanted us to pool our money....I as fine with that really....as both our incomes are very changeable as we're both self employed, it was too hard as it was.

Now we have to look at the monthly incomings and work it out as a whole instead of us saying "What have you got this month...well then you pay this and I'll do that." we just work it out. It's trial and error isn't it and as long as both get some personal cash it's fine.

Oh and we have separate accounts....we just know what's going in and out of them!

OP, we have worked a system like yours for 29 years now. We put an agreed amount each into a joint account for all routine expenditure and keep the balance for ourselves. When we were first married I earned quite a lot more, so I put more into the joint account and now it is the other way round and I put in a bit less. DH tends to do treats for the family a bit more than I do, but I think he just enjoys doing that. I'm afraid my surplus bits and pieces tend to go on new saucepans etc.

We have a joint account and our own accounts. Both our wages are paid into the joint account and we each get £200 spending money from that per month. I am the higher earner but am just about to go onto statutory maternity pay which will be a huge drop in income. To budget for that we are both stopping our allowance for the time I am off to compensate for the reduced wages.

This works for us but I do have friends who earn a lot less than their husbands who have very different arrangements (equal payments to cover household expenses which leaves her with no money each month and he with hundreds left to fritter away) - I just have to bite my tongue; how other people deal with their finances will always seem weird if it isn't the way you do it!

I've been married twice. First husband adamant no joint account or in fact any shared finances at all. With my second husband we share everything.

I much prefer the open and sharing approach. But each to their own, there's no right or wrong way to do it, as long as everyone is happy with what they do why do you care what other people think about your personal circumstances?

We only have shared money. As the higher earner I'd feel uncomfortable having more disposable income than dp. It isn't an issue as we both live within our means, and we discuss bigger purchases.

I don't see how seperate finances work when you go on mat leave.

Separate finances when you go on mat leave work like this: 'can I have some money in my account, please, DH?' DH: 'Yes, how much?'
Or that's how it worked for us anyway.

I was on full pay my whole mat leave so it was never an issue.

Been with DH for 10.5 years, been married for nearly 9 years. We have never ever ever had a joint account.

He has some direct debits coming out of his bank for bills I have some that come out of mine. When we want to buy something we generally see who can afford it whether thats a family meal out or something for just one of us like a CD. The same if its something needed like new shoes for example. So we both have our own money and we both pay what bills we can afford, but when it comes to personal money, say for me, either I will buy what I want or he will buy me it.

Ive not added up how much each of our bills comes to and I dont care. I can afford what I pay, he can afford what he pays.

This works for us as its the way we've always done it.

DH and I don't currently have a joint account but that is for specific admin reasons. In practice though, I have full access to his account (use his card/online banking etc). In our minds there isn't a split in the finances, it's all 'our money' but we just don't pool it into a shared account. I couldn't imagine dividing up our income into percentages and paying for bills that way...though DH earns about 15x my income so I'd end up transferring such a pitiful amount that it would seem to be doing it for the sake of it. All the direct debits and online shopping come out of DH's account and when we are out together he pays for everything. I only really use my account when I'm out on my own, but I don't think about whether it is household stuff (food) or my own expenses (night out).

It works for us as neither of us are really extravagant and our household income is high enough that we don't have to check whether there is enough in the accounts. If we were on a lower income we'd probably need some kind of agreement just to make sure each of us didn't pull us into an overdraft, but we tend to have a surplus every month so it's not an issue.

My husband hands the paycheque to me to deal with all the bills. But he has access to the funds to spend for his needs as and when required. We only discuss things like holidays and big purchases and only to establish if WE can afford it. Noone questions the other's expenditure because we trust each other and have almost identical views on money management. So, easy peasy. But I appreciate joint finances could be an issue for a couple with fundamentally different views on handling said finances. But then again, I would never marry someone with such fundamental difference of opinion on this crucial subject.

Hmm. We have an odd set-up but it seems to work.

We have completely separate finances. I am the high earner - DH works for himself.

I pay the mortgage and the bills by DD, I also pay for all holidays and the "big" food shops. I buy most of his clothes (when he's not there as he hates shopping), and the furniture etc.

He buys stuff he wants, gadgets etc, and also buys ad hoc day to day food (veg and milk mostly). He pays for the cleaner (a necessity) and other bits and bobs around the house.

I asked him the other day if he thought we should have a joint account, and he said no. It works ok now.

his account is mostly for his business - I think its easier for him to keep it that way.

Am I being unreasonable?

I'm of the all in one pot mentality - I honestly can't see the point in being married if you don't view yourselves as one unit.

Also, as a sahm, I've made career sacrifices to care for our children and it has enabled dh to have a great career without being held back by child care considerations. Therefore I view what he earns as half mine, form a moral pov. He does too, so that's good.

Actually, I think the key is in having the same outlook wrt money. DH has his faults but he would never try to restrict what I spend of our money. But by the same token, I wouldn't blow all the money on shoes and then be unable to pay the mortgage.

I think it's generally a good idea for both partners to have the same amount of money for luxuries, so if one is a higher earner, then they pay a higher % of bills or into savings for both partners.

I think I would have your system OP, if I had dc from a previous marriage, because I would then consider my number one priority to be protecting their financial interests, but that not being the case, I think it is nicer to share everything equally. I wouldn't feel I'd given up anything (in feminist terms) by doing that.

Money should be jointly managed if one of you is likely to feel bad about giving up responsibility for your own finances.

I just don't see the point in all those percentages. You've obviously put a lot of thought into how to make it fair - but wouldn't it be simpler and easier to just pay everything that has to be paid, including food and childcare, and then what's left is fun money, which can be joint or can be split down the middle if you prefer to be independent in your spending.

But I guess it's whatever works for you.