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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think teacher was harsh on DS?

65 replies

7nth · 20/06/2013 18:49

DS's teacher spoke to me today and said she had had to give DS an official warning for his behaviour.

DS and his best friend had been playing in the quiet area, DS's best friend had told him not to talk so loudly and DS told him not to be bossy and that if he was going to be so bossy he might not invite him to his party and that he would tell his teacher he had been bossing him around.

DS's best friend then started crying and told the teacher who came and really told DS off and gave him an official warning, which he has never had before. DS was really crying too and said he wanted his mum & dad, which has also never happened.

I feel the teacher over reacted and that it was a childish squabble, aibu?

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 20/06/2013 19:32

No I dont think the teacher over reacted. The other boy was trying to stop them both getting into trouble, and your ds's behaviour towards him was unpleasant.

CloudsAndTrees · 20/06/2013 19:38

YABU.

What does 'official warning' mean anyway. I tell reception children off quite firmly when they do this 'you can't come to my party' stuff after they have been told repeatedly that we don't say things like that.

The party thing is something all children seem to do, because they know it is meaningful to other children, but they do need to realise its not acceptable. It's not a childish squabble that should be let go. It's meanness that should be stopped by the adults caring for them.

The teacher is highly unlikely to have gone directly to a harsh telling off when nothing has led up to it. You weren't there, you don't see the children together for as much time as the teacher does, you need to trust her. She is probably right.

FamiliesShareGerms · 20/06/2013 19:45

Yup, queen. In all but the most extreme circumstances, as a parent you have to support the teachers

cardibach · 20/06/2013 20:13

In my school (secondary) an 'official' warning just means a child is told that the behaviour they are exhibiting is unacceptable. It had no further consequences unless the behaviour is repeated - in which case they get a second warning (which comes with a detention) and on further repetition the child is removed, put on report etc.
I expect the same is true in your son's school - it is a common behaviour management strategy. It isn't something to worry about, and you need to support the teacher in pointing out that meanness is not acceptable.

Blissx · 20/06/2013 20:18

Is the OP going to respond?

McGeeDiNozzo · 21/06/2013 04:19

Yeah, bad behaviour, teacher was in the right. Sorry. I don't usually side with harsh teachers but in this case I don't see what else could have been done.

MidniteScribbler · 21/06/2013 05:16

I will not tolerate any of that "you're not coming to my party" malarky in my classroom under circumstances. It is a form of bullying if it is repeated behaviour and targeted to a particular child. If I found out my son had been pulling that trick at school, there would be no party that year.

TheRealFellatio · 21/06/2013 05:21

I am not sure what this 'official' warning is all about, but your son sounds as though he was being too noisy/boisterous in the quiet area, and being mean and manipulative towards his best friend.

So YABU.

ll31 · 21/06/2013 07:34

It must be so frustrating being a teacher, child mis behaves ,teacher deals effectively with it, and parent ignores what child did, and moans about teachers unfairness. Yabu.

luxemburgerli · 21/06/2013 07:50

Sounds ok to me too. I'd make sure your DS knew what he got in trouble for - the party comment, not the "don't be bossy" comment.

exoticfruits · 21/06/2013 07:52

It is a learning curve for the small DC- he cries and calls for mum and dad- it is the first time he realises there are different rules and mum can't gallop to the rescue! Equally the first time parent finds that other adults may handle things differently.
Hopefully the DS now knows that he needs to move out of the quiet area to be noisy and that fighting back by excluding from a party is mean behaviour.

TheRealFellatio · 21/06/2013 07:52

And the child who was upset/hurt wants to teacher to take action, but when they do they get it in the neck from the wrongdoer's parents! Who'd be a teacher eh?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/06/2013 07:53

YANBU..I think teacher should just have sat him down and explained about kind behaviour.

TheRealFellatio · 21/06/2013 07:54

I am sure she probably did Fanjo, but children have a way of skewing things according to their own perception of their total innocence at all times!

exoticfruits · 21/06/2013 07:56

We do not know the back story- you don't get 'official warnings' for the first time a young child gets something wrong!
The teacher must have done 'kind behaviour'- this is June- not start if the year or even start if the term.

exoticfruits · 21/06/2013 07:57

Sorry my iPad writes of as if.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/06/2013 07:57

True..TRF..I hope she did.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 21/06/2013 08:31

It depends what an 'official warning' means. Varying schools have different systems so I don't know how serious that is.

If it's something like 'if you do that again, you get a time out/etc' then I really think you should be focusing on stamping out that sort of manipulating behaviour in your son, that was quite a mean thing to say because his best mate told him to shoosh.

It's always hard when they first get in trouble... I cried when a friend told me DTD had bit her DS. I won't survive Infancy!!

DoJo · 21/06/2013 08:34

another one who thinks YABU for pretty much all the reasons above.

IDontDoIroning · 21/06/2013 08:43

Hm, are we going to hear back from the OP?

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 21/06/2013 08:47

I hope so, this isn't one of those threads where everyone piles in saying 'your child is the next Stewie Griffin,' I think everyone has been pretty gentle about how hard it is for DC/mum the first time they get in 'real' trouble.

soverylucky · 21/06/2013 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DowntonTrout · 21/06/2013 08:53

My response to this would be "well you shouldn't have been loud in the quiet area and you should not have been so mean to your friend. That is not nice behaviour."

And that is all.

ExcuseTypos · 21/06/2013 08:55

How old are they? As there's a quiet area I presume it's Infants? In that case what went on is pretty common.

I work in a year R class and almost ever day someone says 'I'm going to tell the teacher' I've also heard 'if you do/don't do that, you won't be able to come to my party/be my friend" more times than I care to remember.

You have to talk to the child and point out it isn't very nice/how do you think the other child feels etc etc. you don't give them a 'formal warning'.
If this is true, the teacher sounds as if she doesn't have much experience with young children.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/06/2013 09:04

A childish squabble, yes, but one which was entirely your own sons fault. A teacher must nip this behaviour (your sons) in the bud, and you must support them.
The fact that you have posted suggests that you are of the opinion your son did nothing wrong, which is in fact not the case.

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