My parents are trying to coerce us into visiting by influencing ds

[BabyRuSh]

My parents live abroad. It's a 13h flight away. I have 2 dc- ds who is 2.4 and dd who is 8m. We have just come back from visiting them and dc and I spent a couple of months with them.
They have asked us to visit for Xmas. I said no as the flight to/from with 2 dc was hell and they were jet lagged for a week agter, and DS got food poisoning twice. IMO it's too much hassle. Plus DH and I haven't been on holiday (not including this trip who's was solely visiting family abroad) for ages and we want to go on holiday.
As a compromise we suggested going on holiday together at a destination that was halfway for both of us. They've said no as its too much hassle for my dad to take time off work. They've now resorted to trying to influence DS by asking him if he'd like to visit and see them whenever I Skype with them, and saying he'll be getting a big present (e.g police car, fire engine etc) if he comes for Xmas. It's making me dig my heels in even more.
However it will be my dads 70th next year and I won't be able to go as I will be going back to work then. And my brother is currently expecting his first child so it will be my first opportunity to see the baby. Aibu to not visit them as it is frankly too much hassle?

It's totally not on saying that to your DS, although he'll soon forget about it if they stop mentioning it to him - tell them it's not fair to raise his expectations when it's you who'll have the expense and huge effort of the hideous 13h flight. If they really want to see you they can fit in with your (very generous IMO) suggestion!

Gosh, I sympathise! My parents have a house abroad and whilst it's lovely for them, it's their dream and not mine. It's in the middle of nowhere, no Internet, not very much to do and we're always finding reasons not to visit! That sounds awful put like that, but with one toddler, another on the way and limited holiday time, I'd rather go somewhere else, given the choice. Our situation is complicated somewhat by the fact we live in a their country, so to get to their house, we go via our home country first anyway!

I think your suggestion of meeting somewhere midway between sounds ideal. Neutral territory, something for everyone to do and less travelling time. Long haul flights can be tricky with LOs. Another thought - why can't they come to you? Surely it'd be easier for them to travel than for you and the two littlies?

Good luck sorting something out.

*third country.

Also, using your DC is not on. Definitely not on.

Tell DS to tell thrm to pack his fire engine into their suitcase when they come to yours for Christmas

YANBU and your suggested compromise makes sense for everyone. If they can't be arsed it would make me more determined not to be guilted into making the flight out to them.

The next few times you Skype do it at a time when the DC's aren't around and tell them that attempting to bribe your children with gifts in order to influence you is not acceptable and if it continues to happen they won't be sky ping them any time soon.

What chirpChirp says. I think you need to be very clear that they won't be allowed to Skype your ds if they are just going to undermine your decisions.

Not on. One 13-hour trip with two small children in the space of a year is plenty. Do they ever come and visit you?

We lived on the other side of the world when the DCs were little, and did one trip back to the UK a year, in the summer, which was always exhausting because we had to fit in seeing so many family members, scattered from the south west of England to Scotland. It certainly didn't feel like a holiday, and the DCs always ended up getting overtired and ill. At Christmas/New Year we always went away for a real holiday somewhere else.

I think you will have to supervise Skype or ban it if they carry on with the emotional blackmail.

A visit of a couple of months is quite enough in one year IMO. You've made a lot of effort and if they want to see you again at Christmas they should make the effort this time, as you suggest. Tell your mum to stop the emotional blackmail of DS as it's really not on.

My in laws live abroad and for years we've had issues with the visits always being one way (us going to them). It really got DH down, and cost us a fortune. Since we've had DD we do one trip a year and if they want to see us more they have to come over. They are much keener to see DD than they ever were just to see us, so come a couple of times a year... Logistically it's so much easier for them to come too.

If you don't want to go, just say a clear no. You've done your bit, leave it up to them.