or is my SIL being a dick?

[IamMrsElf]

My DH and I invited SsIL plus P/H to our new home, a chance to see the DCs and the new house, we haven't seen them since the beginning of April.

I first suggested the May Day BH but this was rejected and this weekend coming was agreed instead (so plans have been agreed for over a month). I asked DH to confirm plans at the weekend as they are mega flaky. SIL1 texts back saying she and H will be coming, very excited to see new place and DCs - fab! DH was thrilled, he loves his sisters but hasn't seen them much since we had DCs - neither have children (that is a whole different story, but may be why we don't see them much, I totally understand this, DH does not).

Anyway, SIL 1&2 meet up and chat. SIL1 then texts back and says she is not coming. No reason given, no new date arranged, nothing. DH tried to call SIL2, her phone is off. She texts the following day to say she and DP will be coming in the pm but will stay the night.

I am looking for MN wisdom. Should I contact SIL1 and find out what's going on? Should I speak to MIL about this? SIL1 and DH live with ILs.

DH is really upset and feels massively let down by his family. He can't talk to them himself, he's waiting for them to realise that they are missing out on being involved in the lives of our DC.

Both SIL constantly flake out of arrangements or only visit in the pm. We sometimes see them at ILs but SIL1 keeps her distance and constantly says in a loud voice how having children would ruin her life and she couldn't bare to give up her independence, lie-ins, body etc. and how her DH hates children and they love being DA/U to all their DNs - but they rarely see ours and the others live abroad, they see them less than once a year.

I do understand she may be like this because she is not having DCs (by choice but there medical issues). DH is just so upset and I want to sort this out. She often says to him that she wants to get together, just her, my DH and SIL2 "like old times" and says that she "misses her brother" she will wax lyrical about how amazing my DH is and then barely talks to him when we got to the ILs. Maybe she can't stand me. Maybe she can't stand my kids. I don't know. What should I do? Who is being a dick?

(sorry for the excessive length, thanks for reading)

Fact: not everyone likes kids.
Not everyone wants to have a relationship with their siblings children (before you scream bitch at me - my nephews both lived with me whilst they were at Uni).
Often when you can't have children you lie about not wanting them.
Ever thought that it might be upsetting for her to see your perfect family life?

DH should text back and say he is sorry she is not coming as he would love to see her, and to let him know when she wants to make a new date.

I wouldn't involve MIL, as it is between DSIL and DH.

Make sure he has a good time with SIL2

Hopefully, it will sort itself out in time if you just smile and refuse to take offence.

Don't contact ILs. You will need to accept that SIL1 isn't bothered about your kids otherwise it will do your head in.

My SIL can't be assed with my kids, although now all of a sudden she wants DH to take them over there sometimes for a Sunday afternoon. I don't know whats changed as for 5 years she has been very off and couldn't give a shit basically. They way I see it is she is DH's sister and I just don't have much to do with her.

Also I don't get why only visiting in the afternoon is an issue. Why would you think that people want to visit in the morning? Some people only like visiting for an hour anyway (certainly true in my SILs case, the times she has ever bothered to visit).

Maybe she just doesn't like kids. Or maybe she doesn't get on as well with you as you think. It's not your problem it's your husbands. If he wants to know the reason he should call her. I certainly wouldn't be offended its her choice at the end of the day.

can't your dh just ask her. could be anything.

I think that your dh needs to deal with this, rather than you. They are his family and so it will be better for you to stay out of it, so long as they are nice to your dc when they do actually see them. If you try to talk to them, it will end up with you getting into arguments and they will hold it against you far more than if they had exactly the same awkward discussion/argument with their own sibling.

I am actually in favour of people doing things with their siblings/parents and not taking their spouse along all the time - the dynamics change when partners are present.

I would say to my dh that he needs to either talk frankly to his sister or just accept that she is not that bothered and stop trying to make her be.

I actually don't think YANBU about her cancelling something like she has though. If you aren't bother then don't arrange it in the first place. She is coming across as rude and it has been arranged for a while. In that instance I would get your DH to find out (from her, not ILs) then I wouldn't bother trying to arrange anything with them again.

morticia that is a good point, I don't think you're a bitch, I don't want to force our DCs on her - or any one. I don't think she likes little ones (mine are 1&3). I do think it may be upsetting for her. I don't want to force our life on her, I think DH wants her to be able to though.

DahliaI will encourage DH to text her back and try to arrange something else. My DM thought I should mention it to MIL but I thought that might be a bit inflammatory. DM can't stand SIL1 - so not a voice of reason on that front.

Crap thanks for the advice. I will happily chill out about it. I just hope DH can. I meant evening when I put pm. They deliberately come round when DCs are in bed. I think this is natural if you're not a kid fan. DH doesn't get it.

Cravey I think she used to like me but as time has gone on, she finds me harder to take, I can't think of any specific thing - apart from having DCs but am happy to back up and give her space.

piratecat you are quite right. It could be something and nothing. DH needs to grow a pair and just have a real conversation with his DSis.

Thanks for the advice.

Not everyone is interested or likes the company of other people's children, even family.

Let them get on with their lives and definatly leave it to dh to sort if it needs any sorting.

Personally I wouldn't bother. If she wants to visit she knows your number and address.

Move on.

karma you are right. He needs to deal with this. If he's that bothered and it upsets him, he should speak to her.

crap She constantly cancels on us last minute. We give her the option of when to come, totally open, so not forcing our DCs on her. She always picks evening, I start getting food sorted etc and then they cancel at the last minute. They have done this more and more in recent years. This pisses me off but also amuses me. I have a bet with myself when she will cancel.

I think it upsets DH so much because both SIL made such a fuss of me when I was pg and went on about how much they would do with the DCs and how excited they were. Then when DCs arrive - not interested.

My DB loves my DCs to bits and is always calling up asking to see them, he takes them out, has them to stay etc. complete opposite to DH's sisters. This difference upsets DH. I can understand, if my DB didn't want any contact with my DCs but my SIL were all over them, it would get me down - what's wrong with my family? Why don't they want to see my DCs? etc. At first we joked about it but it's getting him down now.

I wouldn't arrange things with anyone who cancels at the last minute all the time. Its just rude to do this.

Its a shame for your DH but he needs to accept that they just aren't interested. Maybe they will change their minds one day but really he should stop focussing on them and the fact that they have no relationship with your children.

Now I get what you mean about evenings. Yes it does seem like its deliberate. Although it is very hard to have a proper conversation with children around! But I wouldn't bother anymore purely for the constant cancelling.

The constant cancelling is annoying. She is rude.

I think I need to hand hold DH through coming to terms with the fact that he and his sisters have changed, lives have changed and their dynamic has changed. I think he's mourning the sister he used to have IYSWIM.

I think he's mourning the sister he used to have IYSWIM. yes i can relate to that. before DB met SIL, he lent on DP and me a lot (lived in our lounge, hanging out with us)

then he kind of dumped us - wasn't bothered about seeing us for years. was a crap son to my parents when DF was paralysed and dying.

now DN is here, we are supposed to go and see how wonderful their family is! oh and we are very much second class family to SILs family,

no thank you - we have other lives now and they don't include DB and his family!

Thanks faster for your post, it puts things into perspective