To ask why we repeat our own horrible childhood experiences on our kids?

[Feminosa]

I had an awful relationship with my mother growing up. She was overbearing and critical. Why, when I was so sure I wouldn't do the same to my own children, am I now don't exactly that to my daughter when I lose my temper?

I know I am doing it when I am in the moment, but I continue. Why, when I recognise he I am making my daughter feel, am I still doing this to her?

Why do many of us repeat these bad experiences of our own childhoods?

We don't. You can choose not to. You can ask for help to fix it, it takes courage and it takes work. Sometimes I used to have to walk away, count to 100, calm down and go back to deal with it once I was more rational.

You don't have to let history repeat itself and it sounds like you are prepared to work to make sure it doesn't.

The good thing in this situation is that you see the problem and know you are doing it so have the opportunity to change things.

I don't have any practical advice on how you can do this...but someone will soon.

I hope you find a way to change things.

Because we're damaged?

Because we're human?

We all react to our upbringing in some way. How can we not? It has shaped us.

Sometimes we replicate behaviour because it's learned. Sometimes we go to the other extreme but that's not sensible either. Best of all we recognise the cause and effect and fight for the middle sensible course.

You are half way there. You've recognised the cause and effect. Just keep on fighting for the sensible middle course.

Don't let your mum win!!

Take care.

Use another strategy. I'm an explosive. Off like a fire cracker. Completely fine next second. Literally. I rarely hit but have a very nasty 'Tone'.

I've found naughty step works for me. Is this naughty step worthy? If so can I get on hands and knees and explain issue? If I sound idiotic I stop.

I lapse. Just not nearly as bloody often. I recognise the "hearing but carry on" sending supportive hugs xxx

I also now recognise I'm flaming awful if very tired. I mean horrid. I really try not to be. I have a dd 2.5 and 6mth so not easy

Just try to work round what I see in myself

I don't.

But don't let your poor upbringing be an excuse.

You can overcome it, but it takes extra effort. I read somewhere the phrase: "beware the auto-parent". This is the automatic response that you subconsciously make based on what you learned from your own parents as a child.

Sometimes I can hear my parents' phrases in my head in situations where they would have used them (things like "what you want is a good slap", in response to incessant "I want this; I want that") -- even though I haven't the slightest intention of saying or doing that myself.

But once you become aware that this is what's happening, as you have, you are in a position to decide on, and carry out, alternative ways of dealing with things. It'll be harder than if you had a good example for your "auto-parent", but you can still do it.

As hellhasnofury says, walking away and counting while you calm down can help a lot. As does planning in advance, even practising in your head, how you think you should deal with certain types of problem situations.

Because when you're stressed you stop thinking clearly and slip into the groove of what is familiar, which is the way your mum dealt with you.

Fortunately you know you're doing it and you obviously want to change it, which is the main thing. You need to learn other strategies which will be effective without causing trauma to your DD.

My mother was critical and sour. I don't remember getting praise from her. I am determined I will NOT be like that with my DS. It's difficult to know what to do when he plays up, I have to bite my lip and say nothing while I think furiously of what I can do (usually humour works best, tbh, although it's hard initially when I'm so tense/wound up).

If you are tense and getting angry, try to say nothing until you can get away from the sense that you will say something caustic/hurtful any minute. It's very difficult, but better to bite your tongue than say something you'll regret.

Conditioning, and some unconscious stuff that we have to choose to change. I'm scared I'll do this, and am having counselling to try to work on my own 'stuff' before having kids. It's not too late to do the same - and if you're having trouble controlling this I'd say it's essential for all your sakes.

You need to recognise when you're doing it and make an effort to stop.

I grew up with sulking parents especially my father who would, for example, stop speaking to me for up to a week for just accidentally leaving a light on. If I find myself withdrawing from my two sons I make an effort to do the opposite as I'm determined that they won't have to put up with the same.

ooow, good thread. good replies so far as well. food for thought.

YABVU!

Don't tar me with your dirty brush!!!

My mother was a selfish, bitter, twisted, cruel woman who openly admitted that she didn't like or love me. I was an unhappy child, a desperately unhappy teen and miserable adult until I cut her out last year.

I can't remember a single compliment she ever paid me, a kind or supportive word she said, or a hug when my world fell apart.

I am completely different with my children. To paraphrase my son - he said I'm not perfect, but I am the perfect sort of mum: I'm strict when I need to be without losing my temper; the boundaries never change and so he and his sister always know what's acceptable and where the line is; that I give really good advice and never get cross even when he's screwed up big time; that he never doubts that I love him and that most of the time I'm a really good laugh and a bit of an idiot (in a good way - apparently!) I could never have said any of those things about either of my parents.

You can choose how to behave in any given situation that's the beauty of being a human being.

Ask for support and guidance on here by all means but it really gets my back up when people are making bad choices and then assume everyone is doing exactly the same.

Or that it's inevitable.