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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and son's first birthday

17 replies

benjerriesandme · 18/06/2013 09:34

My husband had asked his mom to come to stay for our son's first birthday. He was going to pick her up the day before his birthday as he didn't want to spend alot of time travelling on his son's birthday which she was happy with. She was going to stay for 3 nights so it would be a long weekend. As my husband is working on my son's birthday although i am going to do a buffet type tea we was going to do something the day after as a proper celebration.

My MIL has now said she can't stay the 3 days as she is now going to her friends party on the Saturday night so will need to be taken home that day. My husband is upset at this as MIL has only seen our son twice since birth and it will change the day as my DH will be now be driving her home and back again about a 3 hour round trip. He has now said he will take her back early so we can do something after as we were hoping to take our son to the beach as he has never been to the beach before(weather permitting!)

I feel slightly miffed that she had committed to come to see our son then committed to go to her friends party on the same weekend. My husband was looking forward to it and this is not the first time something like this has happened. There was a performance at our son's christening, other occasions of coming down have been cancelled at the last minute.

We don't take the children to my MIL house as everyone smokes in the house and they still smoke around the children even though they know we don't like it which is why we ask her to our house.

OP posts:

DeepRedBetty · 18/06/2013 09:37

It's not reasonable of her to assume her son can be her chauffeur any time she wants to rearrange her plans. Can she not drive herself? Is there no public transport available?

Dackyduddles · 18/06/2013 09:39

She changes plans she can sort her travel out. Dh has commitment to family.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 18/06/2013 09:41

She is being really unreasonable and there is no reason your dh should change his plans for her

DoJo · 18/06/2013 10:03

I agree that a lift to the station/bus stop should be enough. Missing your grandson's birthday is one thing, but forcing your son to miss out on his own child's first birthday is unacceptable. She needs to make her own arrangements or not come at all.

Original poster

benjerriesandme · 18/06/2013 10:03

No she doesn't drive. My husband was going to get her as she doesn't have alot of money and i know if she was getting public transport she wouldn't come at all.

My DH was getting her after work, after tea and bed time routine is done there won't be alot of time left for much as DH has to get up for work the next day. The next day would be DS birthday and because of DH work that is why he wanted to do something the day after when he is off, now that is the day he would be taking his mom back. I just feel that if she committed to her GS birthday then she couldn't cancel to go to her friends who she see'e all the time, i know realistically she can do as she pleases it just feel wrong.

It just feels like an excuse and DH wonders if there is a party as in the past she has made things up and even got her other son to phone my DH with an excuse why she can't come down. My DH even phoned her back and asked her if she found staying to much for her and she said no, it was just that she had to make an effort to go to her friends party.

OP posts:

LunaticFringe · 18/06/2013 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject · 18/06/2013 10:09

no reason to 'commit' to a birthday for a baby that doesn't know it's birthday from Tuesday fortnight.

every reason not to mess people around. Just tell her the weekend is off.

peeriebear · 18/06/2013 10:18

Give her the option of sorting her own travel out or not coming. Why pander to her when she doesn't give a shit?

pianodoodle · 18/06/2013 10:26

I'd tell her not to bother her arse coming at all.

It's not as if the birthday boy is going to care one way or the other ;)

Original poster

benjerriesandme · 18/06/2013 10:52

It's true, she doesn't sound bothered, i just thought it would be a nice oppurtunity to see the children as she always says she don't see much of them but whenever we make plans she cancels or changes them.

OP posts:

GiveMumABreak · 18/06/2013 11:00

don't get me started on Bloody In Laws!!!......what you need to do OP is lower your expectations (so that selfish MIL doesn't dissapoint you again!)

Original poster

benjerriesandme · 18/06/2013 11:06

Givemumabreak- funny you say that, i said to my husband last night that when he askes her down , to expect her not to come or for it to go as planned then he won't be so disappointed. It's a pity though that you have to think this way though isn't it?

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/06/2013 11:10

Coach travel is usually very cheap especially if MIL is over 60. I agree with others if she shortens the trip she organises her own transport.

teaforthree · 18/06/2013 11:11

I would pre-emptively cancel and say it'd be easier to rearrange for a more convenient time and to leave it for now.

Your DS doesn't know who will be there at his birthday and you'll have a better time if you're not resenting her being there.

Original poster

benjerriesandme · 18/06/2013 11:17

I was thinking of that to be honest teaforthree. I was going to suggest to DH that maybe it would be better to tell his mom to let us know of a more convenient weekend that she would like to come down then that leaves it up to her then.

I'm not that bothered if she is not there for the birthday so to speak as its true that he won't have a clue, it was just going to be a family day and there would have been other issues if we hadn't asked her so can't win really.

OP posts:

GiveMumABreak · 18/06/2013 11:22

It is a pity benjerrie - but she will be the one to lose out on a close realationship with your wonderful DS and getting to know him properly (but sad for you and DH to watch and wonder what it would've been like if she had been more interested in being involved)

teaforthree · 18/06/2013 11:29

I have a MIL who's a bit like that except she only lives ten minutes away and it used to really annoy me that she couldn't be bothered to make an effort or show an interest but now I just think it really isn't my problem nor is it worth wasting energy over.

Let her make the first move, I do, and consequently we see her once in a blue moon. But I'm less annoyed because I'm in control if that makes sense.

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