To wonder how some people become so supremely confident and full of themselves?

[MrsRhysMeyers]

And I mean this as a genuine question. I am fascinated.

I know a few people that are totally uber confident; they think they are more beautiful than others, and that they are totally great and that they are always right. Think along the lines of that girl in the Big Brother house that is spending 18k per month on rent!

What I find too is that super confident people manage to convince the world that they are beautiful/wonderful/amazing even if they are not particularly. And they want their own way all the time, and usually get it.

I'm wondering if it's down to being spoilt as a child, or having really doting parents that tell them every 5 minutes how beautiful and wonderful they are? Or if they're just born that way?

I would describe myself as a confident person in that I'm happy with myself and in my own skin. I'm not loud though, or the life and soul of the party, and I certainly don't think I am better than everyone else and that the world had better sit up and listen to me.

I often wonder the same as the OP. Some people never cease to amaze me, the way they behave, you would think they piss rainbows and shit unicorns. I know a few people like this.

Self-deprecation is widely acknowledged to be a personal quality in English culture, and one of the corollaries of that is that over self- confidence is often frowned upon.

My kids go to an Indy school, not a posh one, but good, and they have drama lessons in which they are taught manners and how to conduct themselves confidently. Holding eye contact, polite conversation etc. it's all done with games and stuff but it makes such a difference. As a state primary teacher

As a state primary teacher I know such skills are not explicitly taught. Perhaps they should be.

I would love to know how some do exude self confidence and learn a few lessons from it. I distinctly remember calling myself worthless as a young child, and it is difficult to shake that feeling off.

Arrogance is a horrible trait to have, I would hate to be arrogant and a narcissist.

I thought this would be a thread about Saatchi. Fwiw this is how he comes across to me - someone who has never had cause to doubt his own importance.

I think you can cause a child to feel this way by certain parental behaviours. What is known as 'spoiling' them I suppose - not by responding to their needs, but by allowing them to behave as though they are superior to other people, instead of teaching them that they are equal.

I know nothing about Saatchi but I imagine that he was brought up to think that he could do anything and it was ok.

Maybe there is something in the Iraqui culture too - I don't know. But i have known a fair few men from that culture who seemed to be very narciccistic and believe that women (their mother for example) are not to be respected and that they can basically throw their weight around like giant belligerent toddlers, and get away with it.

So it may be a culrural thing or it may not.

cultural

narcissistic sorry, feeding a VERY wriggly 6mo and trying to eat crisps I CAN spell, honest...

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.

I would hazard a guess that most of these apparently super confident people are fairly messed up underneath

I completely agree.

super confidence = " The lady doth protest too much methinks"

it is very needy to think you are inherently better than others.

This is a very interesting and enjoyable debate! Perhaps as with many things in life, such as the state of happiness itself, confidence can ebb and flow, and I am sure nobody is confident all the time, even if they put on an appearance of being so. We all go through periods of doubt and feeling everyone else is better/more intelligent/funnier/more attractive than we are. We dont live inside other people's bodies to know the truth, hence judging people by snapshots is not satisfactory (we only see those folk some of the time so any appearance they may give could be sometimes about 'keeping up appearances'). I do it some of the time at work, in a competitive environment, when it isnt acceptable to be human and have a bad hair day! We all try to cope in our own way. Self-esteem which is what I try to focus on says "i'm OK you're OK" I will cut you some slack, and hope you will cut me some slack. I do that because its the way I prefer to live my life... That in itself generates a feel good factor... Then it doesnt matter what people around me do, or say. I am too busy enjoying time on this planet to get caught up in the minutiae - believe me it has taken many years of "beating myself up" to evolve my thinking in this way ;-)

We all go through periods of doubt and feeling everyone else is better/more intelligent/funnier/more attractive than we are
....unless you happen to be my XH !!

that is a magnificent quote!

Bonsoir, I agree this is a particularly English quality. An international business course I attended had to make a special point to English delegates, that we tend to use self-deprecation as an ice-breaker but most audiences will take us at our word! They will think "They're here to show off the best of themselves, yet they're telling us this? They must be awful!"

I like American self-esteem. I realise there are plenty of Americans on either side of healthy self-esteem; I'm talking about your average American compared to your average Brit. They have a sense of being a gift to the world - the very thing that British culture(s) tend to knock out of us as being 'too full of yourself'. It's quite possible to enjoy high self-worth and decent humility. In my opinion, it gives people an attractive glow and enhances their life experience.

Confidence itself waxes and wanes, I think - it's not so long since I had very high confidence. Events knocked that out of me. But they were able to knock it out, because my confidence was pinned on certain accomplishments: work success; polished appearance; that sort of thing, rather than any intrinsic belief in my own fabulousness. If I were raising children now, I'd tell and show them, repeatedly, how fantastic they are! None of this "don't boast" rubbish, I'd have them showing off as often as possible - and appreciating others' show-offs, too :)

Soupa ....have just read through more of the thread, and found your post regarding your confidence, and not understanding why some people are full of self doubt.
You probably answered that question with your next sentence .... "I had an ordinary childhood".

If you are constantly criticised as a child, if nothing you can do is ever sufficient to please, if your day to day safety depends on being able to read whether an adult has woken up in a good mood or not .... then self esteem just doesn't happen. You have no confidence in yourself. You learn from a very early age that your contribution is not only worthless but may make a situation worse for you. Just to compound the problem, there is a strong chance that you will marry someone who actually perpetuates the behaviours (again, to some degree or another).

If this sounds like an exaggeration, it is not. It is reality - to greater or lesser degree - for thousands of people. Most would be green with envy simply to feel that their place wasn't normally "in the wrong". It is partially fixable .....a long time sorting it out has let me learn to be "opinionated" while still feeling "safe" (at least anonymously ) but in person .....challenged? .... spot the mouse in the corner, who would rather chew off a finger than 'roar'.

Garlicnutty, I too think the American self esteem is great! I wonder why the average american has such good self esteem? I'd be interested to know the secret. I watch a lot of Youtube journals and vlogs by American women and they all have good self esteem and are very confident, but not in a cocky, arrogant way, more of in a captivating, entertaining way that makes watching their videos a real pleasure

MumnGran, you've just described my personal issue! Thanks. Shedloads of training and therapy have, variously, given me adequate tools to 'manage' the problem but, as you've said, these are partial fixes. I want a solid ego. No, let's change that: I want a big, shiny, solid ego

YY, Bosh, captivating and entertaining! It is, isn't it :)

I work with a girl who thinks she is utterly amazing, is loud, talks about herself and seriously can't understand why she is single. Could be because she gets on everyone's nerves, is considered big headed and a annoys everyone by constantly talking about herself!! I think it is arrogance rather than confidence!

OP I've wondered this for years. I've had a few friends/pals like this, and I do like them, but it's not hugely satisfying to be around people who believe their own hype.

I think they

• have one or more parents who actively talk their child up all the time, well into adulthood, and are really generous in public with their praise
• have been used to being photographed from an early age, a lot, and have had photos of themselves everywhere
• are possibly youngest in the family
• are naturally extroverted anyway
• are ruthless about cultivating people who are useful to them, and cooling off with people who have outlived their social usefulness
• take a scattergun approach to ideas, therefore seem full of energy and positivity, even if relatively little comes of it (let's not mention that though)
• are quite naturally sunny

I'm quite introverted and I find I can't cope when forced to be super confident like this. I'm learning, though, not to take it absolutely personally when a properly confident friend flits from person to person, project to project, with not as much follow-through as I need.

Someone constantly talking about oneself and thinking they are amazing than everyone else is definitely arrogance. Those types of people are usually very unpopular, in my experience. I was at college with one, and although at first people went along with it, after a year of her constant talk about herself and how she was too beautiful to go into town as so many men looked at her , many got fed up with her, and she didn't really make any real friends on the course. I have kept in touch with her on a superficial level over the years, and even now, at 36, she is still like it and thinks she is better than others.

It's hard to put your finger on what true confidence/great self esteem is. I would say it's someone who is quite positive about life in general and is a nice person, but not so nice that they are walked over. Someone who doesn't partake in bitching, or putting others down in order to make themselves feel good. And someone who is just happy in themselves and what they are/have/do.

Chigley I could not agree more (have a child who needs this tbh).
There is something really good about being properly listened to and having your needs met. I have a couple of people in my life MIL for one who can only pay attention to people if they are physically sitting down and have said 'Right, now is my time to listen to you', and I find it very draining and undermining.
Some of the nicest and best people I know just have that skill of paying you the right amount of attention and enjoying it in return.

TSC, I may have got this wrong as am crap at remembering posters - are you an NLP aficionado? I think there's a basic "I'm OK, you're OK" premise in NLP; a belief that everyone has greatness within them. The affirmative idea, that each person has a "best they can be" which is truly great, would seem either liberating or threatening depending on your start position. I have, in the past, found it unbearably demanding. At other times, though, I've been well up for it. Am pretty sure this comes down, again, to inner self-belief.

TSC-you remind me of my younger sister-in a good way! She was a firecracker and a bit of a stunner as a younger woman-but had (has) a chutzpah that made people gravitate towards her. Now she is in her early 40's and her bloom-physically has dimmed a bit, she's still sharp, funny, engaging, confident and people still gravitate to her. Her cards haven't always been good uns in life, but she's a positive person with oodles of self belief. No faux modesty, but not obnoxious either. Confidence is sexy.