To wonder how some people become so supremely confident and full of themselves?

[MrsRhysMeyers]

And I mean this as a genuine question. I am fascinated.

I know a few people that are totally uber confident; they think they are more beautiful than others, and that they are totally great and that they are always right. Think along the lines of that girl in the Big Brother house that is spending 18k per month on rent!

What I find too is that super confident people manage to convince the world that they are beautiful/wonderful/amazing even if they are not particularly. And they want their own way all the time, and usually get it.

I'm wondering if it's down to being spoilt as a child, or having really doting parents that tell them every 5 minutes how beautiful and wonderful they are? Or if they're just born that way?

I would describe myself as a confident person in that I'm happy with myself and in my own skin. I'm not loud though, or the life and soul of the party, and I certainly don't think I am better than everyone else and that the world had better sit up and listen to me.

[ovenchips]

It's that Katie Hopkins/ Samantha Brick sort of over-confidence in their abilities and looks isn't it? I'm not sure how it comes about but certainly it's much more prevalent in men IMO.

So many women hugely underrate themselves that the ones who overrate themselves stick out. And grate immensely.

[redrubyshoes]

I had a friend once who admitted to me that she had proper 'friends' and 'cup of tea' friends.

I met her years ago when she was a single mum and washing up in a restaurant, then she met Mr Millionaire and classed her friends as above.

The 'proper friends' were her new man's rich friends and her 'cup of tea friends' were the ones who looked after her little boy while she worked, helped her out with cash when she was broke, fixed her boiler as a broke young single mother on benefits etc. She frequently called herself a 'Yummy Mummy' and I remember the day she sewed an Armani label on the back of her M&S jeans to attend a fashion show

She is now divorcing Mr Millionaire and dating a z list celebrity and her 'cup of tea friends' are still in touch but we never contact her.

[ColdHandLou]

Well I have always been painfully shy & DM tried to help my confidence by constantly telling me how pretty/intelligent I was but unfortunately it backfired and I ended up feeling quite freakish and an utter outsider.

I agree that private education gives a lot of people seeming confidence. I also think people are more appealing when they don't embarrass easily - think Boris Johnson on that contraption he got stuck on recently.

[yellowvan]

Is it connected with the high value put on extroversion in our society? You have to be outgoing and full of self belief to get anywhere in so many walks of life. sadly, a confident person is much much more likely to get promoted than a shy one even when they are less talented and 'their confidence writes cheques their abilities can't cash." I've seen this many times. Confidence is all. it is THE most highly prized trait in work and in love. No wonder so many 'fake it til they make it'.

[HollyBerryBush]

Do you really think she is confident? really?


I know I?m spoiled, but I need my parents to buy me things to prove they love me

hey - that's the mantra of most a lot of children across the country who have suffered a parental break up .... play one off against the other because a lot of parents are so screwed up with point scoring and using a child as a weapon - presents = love. She just has richer parents.


So do you still think she is confident? Or crying out to be loved? she in turn will be buying people because she can afford to.

I pity her, another product of a broken home.

[Sallystyle]

I am a photographer and I have seen amazing photographers do really badly and plenty of crap ones do really well. And when I say crap I mean crap.

The crap ones believed they were amazing and people seemed to believe them. They are amazing at selling themselves.

I find it amazing too. I know someone who isn't beautiful or amazing but she thinks she is and people hang off her every word. I think it's amazing.

[Sallystyle]

OMG I said amazing way too many times

[WilsonFrickett]

Being 'amazing' at selling yourself just means you keep going though. You pick up the phone again, you make another 20 cold calls before you leave for the day, or you use every possible opportunity to network and promote yourself positively. That doesn't mean you have to be icky or brassy - but it does mean not doing what I think thesecondcoming referred to as that 'shucks, me' thing that a lot of women do.

Everyone can be amazing at selling themselves - it's not solely the preserve of the confident or even of extroverts. It's just repetition.

[deste]

Yes I know one too and she was an only child. Constantly posts photos from holidays and all her "admirers" tell her how stunning and beautiful she is. Goes to two different resorts in the same country every year and I think everyone wants to be her "best" friend if you get what I mean. Constantly speaks about her inheritance which we take with a pinch of salt. She bought the biggest car she could to impress everyone and within two weeks relalised she had made a mistake. If anyone has a friend, before you know it she is their new best friend, texting and phoning them all the time. How sad.

[thebody]

I think confidence is something you are born with. I have none and my dm has none.

Despite praising my kids to the sky's 2 are quietly confident and 2 are most certainly not.

[Uppatreecuppatea]

Private schools. They imbue this in the children and you can see it even in small children. The Big Brother contestants are a red herring and just a bunch of chancers.

They are just taught to be and to expect the best. Look at our MPs.

[candyandyoga]

See, I don't see people who are like that as supremely confident. I see them as supreme cunts...
What sort of twat looks in the mirror and thinks they are the most beautiful/better than others/best person ever?!

A twatty, cunty, SAD person!

[candyandyoga]

Confidence is being comfortable with who you are and how you live your life, not thinking you are better than others.

[missingmumxox]

I am super confident, not arrogant like the people on the apprentice I hope they make my skin crawl, not sure I would have answered this AIBU if I hadn't been on a study day today and my old boss was there, she is very like me and i really like her as I don't feel the need to explain myself with her but I found she hogged the session, and I wondered if I did this and I hate to conclude I do, but on the plus side only if there is no one else as in the whole room who will ask questions.
the study was great and about peoples motivating factors and I realised the only odd trait I have is I am not easily embarrassed and don't mind making a fool of myself, as in I will always ask the stupid question, I am of the opinion that if I need to ask then there will be others who don't know (and there be my arrogance, just realised writing this, if I don't understand then bound to be someone else who doesn't, good god I am getting a true picture of myself in this post, lol) and if someone else in the room thinks less of me for it then fine, that is their issue not mine, I want to learn.
I was not always like this, I was the kid who was picked on at school, not good at exams and a little quirky, (but if I am honest, I didn't want to change,) went to college and found that my quirkiness made me stand out, I was suddenly popular a party wasn't a party unless I was invited, people I hardly knew would ask me If I was going in order to decide if they would, which I found odd! I would only want to go to a party if I knew good friends where going, in fact I shunned parties and night clubbing as I would rather be in an old man's pub talking with friends.
I think being confident is something you are born with, My Mum wasn't confident, her dad was arrogant, my dad was confident but could on occasion be arrogant, I am confident,)bet I can be arrogant sometimes) but I always question what I know, and if I don't know the answer I am confident enough to tell people I don't know, but will find out for them, so mix of Mum and Dad

[BackforGood]

I think you are lumping confidence and arrogance together when they are different things. I'm also amazed that you think having confidence is in anyway linked with looking beautiful.
I'd say I'm fairly confident. I'd never in a million years describe myself as even a little bit good looking, let alone beautiful. They say I have a good face for radio .
I would consider confidence to be a real asset in a person, not a negative trait at all.

[MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik]

I think TSC speaks a lot of sense.

I used to go around feeling horribly ugly, fat, etc. etc. and feeling self-conscious. I imagine it was fairly boring for other people; it was definitely boring for me! I see younger women (particularly) who do this and I want to shake them and tell them 'just tell yourself you look nice! Believe it!'

Same with intelligence.

However, what I do think matters a lot is using your own confidence to make other people feel better. If you're one of those people who can talk the talk about yourself, you ought to be able to reassure other people they're doing well when they are.

[missingmumxox]

BackforGood missed that bit, I am way off good looking, you say you have been told you have a good face for radio...that happened to me in real life, I was filmed out and about for a children program, like Blue Peter in Kenya "Youth in Action" they bluntly told me I would not be interviewed in the studio as I looked "old" I was 25, but they would like me to do the interview on the radio. thank you KBC I dine out on that story often :)

[BackforGood]

I, at least, have only been told by family

[garlicnutty]

I'm not going to read all the replies because I am desperate to develop a bigger ego. I don't want to be told it's sociopathic, or fake, or this that and the other negative - everything's on a continuum, including narcissism. Mine's somewhat below average and I want it to be somewhat above! I believe a slightly inflated ego is healthy. I'm dead pissed off that I didn't make the most of being beautiful, young and clever when I was, but thought I was shit.

I think of Beth in Corrie Her unshakeable faith in her own fabulousness doesn't stop her being a decent person, it makes her a happy and fun person! I've known people like her in real life and I want some of what they have.

I've unearthed my old copy of Ultimate Confidence (Marisa Peer) and am going to do it thoroughly this time - I did it sort of half-heartedly a while back, and it sort of worked.

I'll be the ageing, unwell woman with the bad hair, who sparkles with joie de vivre and magnetic confidence. Say hello when you see me

[TheRealFellatio]

I think we are all drawn to people with joie de vivre and confidence, and we all want to be that person. In fact I am often told I am that person, which is news to me, as I never feel anywhere near as confident as people tell me I am, so I think I must put on a good act! But I think (or at least I hope) that that confidence doesn't always translate as being 'full of oneself' because that's very tedious for everyone else around you, although I am sure that all very confident people risk crossing that line at times.

It depends what you mean by confidence though. My DH says one of the reasons he loves me is because he can plonk me in a room full of strangers anywhere and no matter what they do or where they come from I can find some common ground with them, chat easily, make people laugh, and ask them lots about themselves, which is the way to get people to like you. When you are placed at a table next to someone you've never met before, and you reflect at the end of the night on whether you liked them, you base your opinion not on what you felt about them but on how they made you feel about yourself. There is a very fine balance between having something interesting to say, and holding court so that it becomes the Me Show, which will win you no fans.

If someone who has bombarded you all day with 'what's so great about me is....' is not going to make a very favourable impression. Whereas someone who has said 'What's so great about you....' is another matter. So long as they can find an angle that sounds sincere. I have mixed with lots of very polished and accomplished 'salesmen' types, highly skilled and successful networkers and political gameplayers. They all come across as having this incredible confidence and all the learned tricks of likability (asking all about you) but only the very, very clever ones manage to seem sincere. Or to remember a damn thing you've said to them next time they meet you. Because they don't really care about the answers to their questions - they don't ant to get to know you really, they are just going through the motions to make you love them, and I can see through most of them in two seconds flat.

My 'schtick' revolves around being self-deprecating and putting myself down a lot. Not in a depressing 'woe is me' way that has people looking over their shoulder for the nearest exit, but in a breezy, jokey way that makes people laugh but probably leaves them thinking I am being falsely modest about my own abilities. I don't know why I do it and I wish I didn't, but it's not an act - I mean it! I do have a pretty low opinion of my own abilities most of the time.

Self confidence can result in either arrogance or likability. The difference between likability and arrogance is the presence of a bit of humility. If that means I have to put myself down a little from time to time then I am okay with that. If it means I never rule an empire then I am okay with that too. No point being massively successful if everyone secretly thinks you're an arse.

Look at Xenia - I've never heard her utter a word that lacks conviction or confidence, nor show the tiniest shred of humility. She seems to have zero self-awareness or empathy. She is undoubtedly very successful and I admire her hugely. But would do I think I'd like her and do I want to be her? God, no.

[MumnGran]

I have no problem with super confident types .....except the ones who are always right!
The two things do seem to go a little bit hand-in-hand.
My XH was a classic example, to the extent that he hated "lets agree to differ" because there was a tacit implication that he might possibly be wrong.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.


I would hazard a guess that most of these apparently super confident people are fairly messed up underneath

[FasterStronger]

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides I think this is v important. its very easy to look at people who apparently have 'it all' and compare you own lot unfavourably when the reality is much more complex.

that said I dont think real confidence relates to feeling beautiful or rich but involves feeling 'good enough' in your own skin. I don't think it involves making comparisons with others.

I also think the whole public school confidence is an act (talk authoritatively in a posh voice) but it is a technique that works repeatedly so instils a confidence by creating success.

[ophelia275]

I also wonder about this. Especially with people like MP's who seem to have some sort of confidence where real world rules and morality don't apply to them. I think it is probably a case of parents always telling them how wonderful and brilliant they were plus natural arrogance that nobody ever put them in their place for.