to ask how to stop feeling envious and bitter?

[itchypoo]

I am having somewhat of a crisis of late. I am sinking into a pit of negativity and I can't seem to buck myself up.
I have a lovely Dh and 2 Dc. We are doing ok, muddling through as you do. I just can't shake this feeling of dissatisfaction with my life. I feel like I have nothing I am really good at, I am underachieving professionally, and don't have the confidence to change my job and try for a promotion.
It sometimes feels as if everyone around me is happy, content, talented, wealthy, fab relationships etc. It feels as though I am doing a crappy job of being a parent, wife and have been stuck in the same job for too long.
I wish I could do some evening classes or something as I used to be quite creative, but I have lost sight of that now. Lack of time and money dictate my lifestyle to a certain extent.
The worst thing of all is that I am becoming so bitter. I can't hear about someone else's successes without feeling pangs of envy and bitterness. I don't want to be that sort of person that I am becoming.
Sorry, I know its a bit pathetic to post this here, but its hard to say this to RL friends for obvious reasons.

The how of happiness by sonja lyuomirsky and the whack around the head by sharon eden

Both excellent I've heard

Also a gratitude journal does help

Please don't fret that you are a horrible person. Lots of us have fessed up to envying our friends. It's a natural response to dissatisfaction in our own lives. I don't, for example, find I envy friends with more money than me because I am lucky enough to be well enough off to pay the bills without worrying and am not especially materialistic. I do, however, envy people who get family babysitting and nights away because more time with my dh is something I really crave.

But maybe if you find yourself envying all aspects of other people's lives, it is a sign that you need to take stock and change your perspective. Perhaps you are a little depressed. Do you do any exercise? I am overweight and not sporty but made myself do couch to 5k last year, and it really helps my mood.

I am just coming out the end of a similar spell. the best example I can give is we rent our house so I am always on rightmove looking at houses and dreaming of which houses I would buy if I had different amount of money etc. there was one in the next village that I was lusting over for months and months. I then heard that a snobby mum at school had put an offer in. I was CONSUMED with irrational anger and jealousy and I was sooo happy when the vendor pulled the house of the market. So stupid as I would never have been able to afford the house ever so it shouldn't have made any difference to me but it did.
I have a lovely husband who loves me, doesn't go out/ have expensive or time consuming hobbies, helps around the house, great with kids etc etc,and I have 3 gorgeous kids and we have jobs etc it just dosent stop the feeling that I should be living in a big country house kitted out in cath kidston.
We just never seem to get anywhere, everytime DH gets a pay rise it is taken away by tax credits going down or other bills going up etc.

But I know that the people who's lives I envy aren't perfect, the husbands work away all week, my friend who lives in a nice big house, holidays to Florida etc etc has an 8 year old and he said to another friend that his dad doesn't p,ay with him, infant he doesn't bother with him at all!! To me that is heartbreaking and I wouldn't trade my happy family for that.

I think you simply have to decide to stop comparing

also a lot of people bullshit about how fab their life is, its all bravdo/front a lot of the time

It's funny- OP I was thinking about starting a thread along the same lines after meeting up with a friend at the weekend. We hadn't seen each other for a while and even though we did have a nice time together, she left me with the feeling that she found her own life a lot more successful, interesting, rewarding, than mine. Which made me dissatisfied with what I have and even more anxious about things that had been worrying me: I'm underemployed and don't see any feasible way of changing this before DC are both school age; we have very little family support; the schools our DC will be going to are ok but not outstanding, while my friend's DCs are at prep school etc.

The thing is, I usually do feel blessed because what matters to me is the quality of my relationships. I love DH and DC, and love my friends, and I have a few interests which give me this glow of happiness. But looked at from the outside maybe my life isn't that great? I've also started to re-evaluate our friendship. Maybe it wasn't her intention to make me feel down afterwards but still, the fact remains that she didn't make me feel good. Are there people in your life OP who make you feel dissatisfied?

OP I think many people feel like you. The hardest bit is tearing oneself away from the negative thinking spiral and start doing (I have problems with this) but once you're in that 'flow' of concentrating on something creative life looks better.

OP, you say you didn't sleep well last night - sometimes I can be a bit like this, but often my perspective is totally different after a good night's sleep. A healthy body does help to make a healthy mind. Please make sure you take care of yourself.

It's a really deep hole to get out of once you start getting jealous and bitter. It's called the "green eyed monster" for a reason. I've been there when I was going through my mc's and counselling helped me a lot. I still sometimes fall back into it at times but I know what I need to do to get out of it, if that makes sense.

You're not a horrible person. You really are not. You sound like you need something to motivate you. We all need change in our lives to try something new.

Could you take up a new hobby using your creativity? Something that you could self learn when you do have time? I've recently decided to learn how to knit and learning about it and buying the materials is helping me focus on something else rather than focussing on other people. As a family we also plan days out/dinners out ahead of time so I look forward to it; again, it's something else to focus on. Do you have days out together? I also take part in a lot of school events and competitions for parents. At the moment I'm creating a new muffin recipe for dd's school baking competition. Eveb little things like this can build up your confidence and make you feel better about yourself.

Itchypoo, I could have written your post.

I turn 39 on Saturday and I am so low. I'm a really sociable person, some people say that I'm a social butterfly. But now money and job dictates that I work from home. I couldn't anywhere near match my current salary where we live so being a remote worker is my only option. So I'm on my own all day and then when DH gets home, he wants to chill and spend time with DD. But I am bored to hell. I need to get out and do stuff. DH wants to stay home.

So I'm looking for ideas of what to do to get myself out of this miserable existence that I feel I'm in right now.

Like you, I know I should be grateful. I have a healthy DD, I have a job that pays me well. But in honesty my relationship is crap. And I put that down to my own dissatisfaction with life. DH loves his job, I hate mine. But the salary means that I have to stick with it.

I'm going to start looking for things to do in the evenings. Maybe volunteer work.

I'll be reading the responses to your OP with interest as I may be heading down the depression route if I don't do something quickly...

I think it also helps to do things that are a bit unexpected, whether by others or by yourself.

Silly examples but -- like a lot of people, I never used to go see a film or go out to eat by myself. Now I do, and it's actually really nice. I don't feel like I can't do anything because we don't have childcare. Obviously it's nicer to go with DH or friends, but it's still fun to go on my own.

Or, try out a class or activity that you never imagined doing. A friend of mine took me to her boxing class recently, it was absolutely brilliant, not something I ever thought I'd really do.

I think doing something out of your comfort zone helps because it gives you a feeling of, eh, actually I don't care what anyone else thinks, which I think is a good antidote to feeling down about yourself.

How old are your DC?

I've been where you are now. I changed my life. I had to wait until the DC were in school n order to afford to make those changes though (full time childcare costs leaving only enough to survive until that point). By the time that was the case, I had come quite close to the limits of my reserves, but my life is unrecognisable now to what it was.

For many mums whose identity has been somewhat subsumed by domestic responsibility I think confidence is often a problem. I know it was for me and it was one of the reasons I'd 'stayed safe' in my perfectly pleasant but undemanding job that was way beneath my capability. I started small to boost my confidence - took up some new hobbies, made some new friends, etc., and with every new boost, my confidence grew and encouraged to aim that little bit higher.

You can do this, but you have to make a start on it - just one, small but meaningful task will do it, even if that's something as seemingly insignificant as making sure you go for a short walk twice a week. Exercise is a good one to start with though, as it not only improves your health and is cheap, but it also has an effect on your mental state.

Good luck.

I could have written your post too OP. Feeling a bit lost in my marriage since DCs and with a DH who has some health problems too which has hit our family budget as he had to get a new job. I feel trapped in a job I hate having to earn money for the family plus sorting out the DCs. I feel dizzy with it all sometimes. I feel the loss of the holidays abroad. No money for them now and the DCs don't travel well. I want to go on an adventure and leave my everyday life behind just for a little while. So jealous whenever I hear about people going abroad. I hate myself for it.

I also suffer from anxiety and I worry about the future, DH's health, money etc. I want to give my DCs the childhood I didn't have with activities and experiences and skills but it all costs money. Wish I was more part time or a well off SAHM so I could be there for the DCs.

I know we are fortunate to own our home, live somewhere with nice parks, near the sea and moors, good friends and family close by but it's never enough. DH is rightly fed up with me.

What helps is doing a dance class I am quite good at and Zumba. Exercise is such good therapy and it's 'me' time away from the daily grind.

Not much help I'm afraid but you're not alone. Thanks for starting this thread. I can't talk to anyone in RL about how I feel.

It's a wasted emotion.

Envious, bitter people aren't pleasant, but you don't sound like one, sctually. It seems like you're just in a rut, and you've realised this.
Take a step back and think of things to do to buck you out of the doldrums.

Thanks to everyone for all the useful suggestions. I have made an appointment to see my GP as I think I may need some help. I would like to see if I can access some counselling for my low self esteem too if its available.
Foxpass, its funny you say that about changing your expectations. That is something my Dm has always said about life with young children. There just is not enough left in me after work and dealing with the kids to embark on some fab new hobby. Enjoying the small things like a good book are within my reach though.

Even if you have to stick to enjoying the small things now, it won't be forever.

Before you know it, your dc will be old enough to do things for themselves, stay at home alone for an evening, and maybe even have your dinner waiting for you when you get back. You can start making plans now...

It is hard to see ahead, but things will get easier.