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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DP

41 replies

Clarerayner · 16/06/2013 19:46

DP has youngish children who live a couple of hours away. Meant to be staying at mine over the weekend. We make journey there and back to pick up and drop off. Ex has just informed him that he needs to pick up at 6.45 am as she's working. Note that he was only told now because he rang about some other matter so when we would have found this out is anyone's guess.

What gets me irate is the way he accepts anything she says, it's like she says jump and he says how high. I was going to accompany him there but now he has to leave work early that day as in 6am to get there. There's no way I can go and I'm annoyed that all our plans for the weekend have to changed now. I'm even more annoyed by him not being annoyed himself. AIBU?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 16/06/2013 19:52

I know you are frustrated but, in this particular situation, what else can he do?

So the mother of his children has to go to work at a particular time. Quite right that their father should be there to look after his own children.

It does sound like though that there is a lot more to this OP.

gostraighttojail · 16/06/2013 19:53

I don't quite understand. Does he have to leave at 6am? It's not that early, to be fair. You could get up at 5.45 if you are well prepared the night before.
Or does he have to leave work early at 6am? In this case, he must work bizarre hours.
I think you need to be more flexible and put the interests of the kids first. But I think you are totally within your rights to ask for as much notice as possible when there is a change of plan.

Original poster
Clarerayner · 16/06/2013 19:55

A bit of notice would be nice that's all, after all its not like its just around the corner. Shifts are planned way in advance after all

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarerayner · 16/06/2013 20:08

It's the not telling us about the change of plan I'm mad about and most of all the fact he is NEVER annoyed by this. It is like she can do no wrong and if I complain which I have about this then it's my fault and I'm giving him grief

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 16/06/2013 20:13

This is what happens when you've got kids. It's unfortunate that he lives a couple of hours away from them as this makes it more difficult to be there doing his full share. But working as a team is par for the course when you share kids. Or it should be.

Yes, there should be better communication and he wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for this. They can't be an effective parenting team if they don't communicate well with each other.

likesnowflakesinanocean · 16/06/2013 20:15

it is frustrating i agree, there are times when times/plans have been changed and i feel like i matter the least in the pecking order but ive come to realise that is how it should be if it means that the children come first. if it was the ex coming first i think id find it more difficult

ThisWayForCrazy · 16/06/2013 20:19

DH´s ex does this. We never moan or fall out with each other over the things she does. As I am sure, half the time, that is why she does it.

I would just support him in any way I could. He is getting to see his kids and I´m sure that´s how he sees it too.

postmanpatscat · 16/06/2013 20:23

For some it's a way of making life difficult, but sometimes it's just the way it is and separated parents need to work together for the best interests of the children.

DP was due to collect his DD from Perth, we live in London. He booked a flight to Edinburgh and a rental car. He booked a return journey for himself and DD. All non-refundable. The day before he was due to fly, his ex said that they hadn't gone to her friend's in Scotland after all and DD had to be collected from her home town. Over £300 of our money wasted, plus another £130 paid out for train fares. At least all your DP had to do was leave work a little earlier.

PenelopePortrait · 16/06/2013 20:24

Clarerayner. Tell me about it. I call DH'sX 'the Blessed Saint Barbara', she can do no wrong. I really irritates me that the can be no critisism of her, it's bizarre.

I used to say the same 'if she says jump you say how high' but it has got better as time has gone on. I think that she just grabbed on to any bit of control she could, sad really. There is no need now for them to have any contact. Which he doesn't thank God.

livinginwonderland · 16/06/2013 20:26

DP's ex does things like this to try and cause problems with us. She does it purposefully to cause an argument and then gets pissed off because it doesn't, which is probably why he just goes along with things.

There's no point letting it cause arguments and showing her it's upsetting you. I understand it's frustrating but he wants to see his kids and they deserve to see him too, without seeing their parents fight and bicker about it.

Original poster
Clarerayner · 16/06/2013 20:33

Thank you for understanding what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel I'm going mad and am so fed up of feeling like the 'baddie'

Believe me I'm not against children coming first far from it but actually I don't see how it benefits children to be dragged out of bed at 7 am making them tired for a full day out we had planned and a night away. It wasn't altered for their benefit but for the ex,s benefit.

It does my head in that they are not more organised. By the way this is not a new relationship that I have just walked into and am trying to lay down the law, it's been 4 yrs. She appears totally blameless in his eyes. I think it would take the heat out of it if he would just occasionally say she's a pain in the arse or similar

OP posts:
ThoughtsPlease · 16/06/2013 20:47

I thought you said that the ex now had to work so that is why she needed to change the arrangements? Depending on what she does I would have thought that that may be out of her control?

What is wrong with getting children up at 7am?

Although I am every confused by them living several hours away, but your DP leaving at 6 am to collect at 6.45am, but the children aren't getting up until 7am? Or have I misunderstood? Confused

Original poster
Clarerayner · 16/06/2013 20:53

I can't say too much more in case I out myself just to say that I'm fed up with it being assumed we can get there for that time, there being no communication regarding this although they speak most days an the fact he is never annoyed by anything she does and when I get pissed off I'm the " baddie"

OP posts:
diddl · 16/06/2013 20:57

He probably is annoyed, but doesn't let on as you'll be pissed off!

ThoughtsPlease · 16/06/2013 21:00

Still confused!

As others have said really what is wrong with her asking your DP to collect their children a bit earlier as she now has to work?

You can argue about this sort of thing and make life difficult or actually work together.

Are you annoyed that you have to get up early? If the children are still young as you said, and you have been with your DP for 4 years think about how his ex has dealt with 'getting up early' and 'in the night' regularly which she must have done a lot.

CloudsAndTrees · 16/06/2013 21:03

It's not really being altered for her benefit if she has to work! If she was planning a shopping trip or a spa day, you might have a point, but the woman has to work. No doubt she is paying more towards her children's lives than her ex is, even if he does pay maintenance.

7am isn't early for children to be getting out of bed.

I think it's a bit pathetic that you say 'it would take the heat out of it if he would say she's a pain in the arse'. Why would it take heat out of it if he got annoyed? Surely logic dictates that him staying calm about it prevents the 'heat'.

They are his children, and if he doesn't mind being flexible, then that's a good thing. It's a required part of being a decent parent.

You sound like you want him to be pissed off and stressed with his ex just to appease your illogical wants. Why do you want him to get annoyed with his co parent and have his children have to deal with parents that can't be flexible and supportive of each other?

I get that you are an important commitment in his life as well, but you don't even come close to the responsibility and commitment he has towards his own young children. But you are coming across as the 'baddie' because you are causing a problem by complaining when the people that matter the most, the children and their two parents, don't have a problem at all.

You are having a go at him over something he can't control. It's not up to him how his ex deals with things, and even if she does make things difficult he still needs to be reliable for his children. The only alternative is that he creates an argument about something he doesn't mind just to keep you happy, and two children have separated and arguing parents.

Your DP is doing the right thing by his children by being flexible with arrangements.

pianodoodle · 16/06/2013 21:03

Probably best not to involve yourself with how they arrange things to do with their children.

Although you've been with your dp a good while, managing the kids between them is still their job, and if he isn't complaining about how she does things, your input may feel like interfering - even if you do feel a bit put out now and then.

CloudsAndTrees · 16/06/2013 21:07

Sorry, I've made an assumption there that its two children, and I could well be wrong!

PenelopePortrait · 16/06/2013 21:28

clouds why is the OP being illogical and the baddie? She hasn't done or said anything. Wonder when the X was going to tell OP's DP that arrangements had changed? Telepathy? Now that strikes me as illogical.

Original poster
Clarerayner · 16/06/2013 21:37

He is reliable for his kids and flexible and that's fine. All I'm doing is letting off a bit of steam due to the frustration

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 16/06/2013 21:40

it's illogical because she implies she would be less pissed off if her DP complained to his ex, or at least complained about her behind her back. She is saying that it would be less of a problem if two people that currently don't have a problem, do have a problem. That's illogical.

I used the word baddie because that's what the OP says she feels like when she complains.

EleanorHandbasket · 16/06/2013 21:43

I don't understand the times at all....

Original poster
Clarerayner · 16/06/2013 21:48

I can't explain the times further suffice to say its taken for granted that its ok with us without ant communication

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarerayner · 16/06/2013 21:54

CLOUDS yes of course I would be less pissed off if my DP showed some understanding of my point of view, who wouldn't be I'm only human. I'm not expecting a showdown between them, but everybody likes to feel understood

OP posts:
PenelopePortrait · 16/06/2013 21:55

Well I understand OP completely. It wouldn't change DP's actions but it would 'help' (I can't think of a better word) OP for him to acknowledge that X's behavior is unreasonable. Bloody frustrating when you both know she's being awkward for no other reason than being awkward.

Never mind OP, the children will eventually suss out who is being unreasonable.