AIBU?
to ask DS father to pay half of what it costs to bring him up?
myviolinandi · 15/06/2013 15:01
I'll try to make this as brief as I possibly can, will no doubt be outing myself here but I need opinions
when I was 5 months pregnant, and a week before we we're due to move in together after months of househunting and me giving up my own place, exp ended it with me. Turns out the whole relationship had been a sham as he had been seeing his exp the whole time.
At the time he told me he would quit his job to make sure I don't recieve a single penny from him if I dare go to csa (he has 8flats which he rents out without hmo licence and was worried about being caught) he told me he sees me as nothing but a parasite as he now has to pay money to me for the rest of his life and that he wanted to pay for half of what I had bought ie he wanted receipts for nappies etc and that it is not his problem that I now have nowhere to live, his only concern is with the baby when it is born (which was pretty Jekyll and Hyde as only a few Weeks previous he was a completely different person)
anyway God knows how I coped looking back, I think I was in a complete state of shock about the whole thing for about a year but fast forward to now I've managed to somehow remain amicable with him and my beautiful DS is now two
My problem however is this..money wise I am really really struggling, I was 24 when I fell pregnant and so hadn't had the chance to fully progress in my career. when I returned to work after mat leave the cost of childcare was so much I couldn't cope, but luckily enough I had the option to work every weekend if I wanted to so managed to change my shifts to that
I've had to take on a second job to make ends but have to put DS in childcare to do that, and now and again still have to put petrol or food shops on my credit card if I don't have the cash. But his whole attitude towards me stinks, the one and only time he dropped DS at nusery he deducted the £40 off of child maintenance as he said why should I pay for it? He is ten years older and earns approx 40k plus bonuses and has rental income too. He pays 300pcm for child maintenance which some people might say is a lot and I should be grateful for but it doesn't even cover the cost of childcare let alone putting food in his belly, clothes on his back a roof over his head etc etc etc.
I feel like a bit of a mug as he is able to continue to work full time, earn plenty, go on holidays three times a year, and have some time to himself. I can only dream of one day being able to put money aside for a rainy day and trying not to sound bitter but I haven't been able to go on holiday since 2010 all I do is work work work and when I'm not at work, look after DS with barely anytime to myself. until now I've always been slightly intimidated by him I suppose, and have always tried to keep the peace. But I feel like I have massively had the short end of the stick then today was the icing on the cake when I asked if he could help me out and buy a pair of sandals for DS, which he did but told me he shouldn't have to as that's what he gives me money every month for. I could scream!
Written this in a but of a rush as I'm at work, hope it all makes sense. And will try get back on soon to reply bug aibu to ask him to fork out half of what it ACTUALLY costs me to raise DS?
MrsRhysMeyers · 15/06/2013 15:06
You are lucky to get £300 per month tbh. Presumably you get child benefit, and tax credits too? My ex husband gives me less than half that amount per month for my eldest child, and he too refuses to buy anything for her or pay for any school trips or anything like that
megsmouse · 15/06/2013 15:11
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Mutt · 15/06/2013 15:12
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makemineamalibuandpineapple · 15/06/2013 15:13
Unfortunately, I think you know it is never going to happen. I am saying this from a completely sympathetic point of view as I have an ex-husband who is very similar only he doesn't contribute a penny. It is extremely frustrating but you just have to get on with things. Sorry to sound harsh. Sounds like you are doing well though.
Mutt · 15/06/2013 15:17
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fuckwittery · 15/06/2013 15:20
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SirBoobAlot · 15/06/2013 15:31
Barely having time for yourself comes under being a parent, you can't really blame him for that.
You could go via the CSA, but do you honestly think you'll get any more from him? Sounds like he's a lying git; how good is he at covering his arse?
As for his comment about that's what he gives you the money for... Well, he has a point. And I say that as another single mum. ExP has only ever bought DS one pair of shoes, he's 3.5.
kim147 · 15/06/2013 15:31
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HappyMummyOfOne · 15/06/2013 15:42
£300 from him, £300 from you to match plus child benefits and possibly tax credits is more than enough to cover food, clothes etc. If your income is as low as you make out, the bulk of the chidcare costs are covered by the childcare element of tax credits.
You would have rent and bills anyway regardless so they are not a child expense. As for time off, well thats part of being a parents. Its a huge choice to make and comes with many sacrifices. You knew yor salary and job role at the time and decided to have a child with a man you werent even living with, you cant blame everything on him.
Tooearlyintheday · 15/06/2013 15:43
You can ask but I wouldn't count on it, he doesn't sound like the type to voluntarily take responsibility. Probably better going through the CSA and trying to modify your spending as far as possible (not easy, i know!). Childcare costs will decrease in time but it's a long struggle to get there I know 
Eastpoint · 15/06/2013 15:45
MrsRhysMeyers I sympathise with your situation, however the amount of child support due to the OP is based on her exp's ability to pay, not your ex-husband's. Was the support for your DC calculated as 20% of their father's post tax income? Isn't that a normal starting point?
Chunderella · 15/06/2013 15:50
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