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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

and a crap friend?

18 replies

loopyluna · 15/06/2013 14:55

I've been flat out at work and in a bit if a grump so I probably ABU.

I have a good friend who lives round the corner and has DC at school with my DD. She's recently divorced, has a horrendously bad relationship with her exH and exILs, a stormy relationship with her bf and a massive feud with her neighbours. She also tends to get into rows with strangers over car parking, queuing, customer service...

Despite being a bit hot tempered, she is actually a lovely person and is a good friend. I've always been there for her but I'm just a bit fed up at the moment.

First bug bear -she keeps asking for her DD to sleep over on weekends so she can have some kid free time with her bf. I'm flat out with my own kids activities at tge monent and just want to chill out during my precious weekends. (The child in question is not the most endearing and would drive me mad!)

Second, she's got herself such a reputation, nearly everyone gives us a wideberth at school pick up time! The last couple of weeks, I've been working late and picking up DD at a later time and have realised how friendly everyone is when friend isn't there!

Third, her neighbour (a retired single man) called the police last week to complain (long story) and I actually can see his point and secretly agree with him... I can't tell her this as she is convinced she is in the right and will never back down.

AIBU to distance myself a little? I don't want to lose her friendship but would just like to be left out of her dramas!

OP posts:

DameFanny · 15/06/2013 15:03

Yanbu to try, but you may find she brings the drama on anyway about you deserting her... Good luck...

DeepRedBetty · 15/06/2013 15:10

Sorry but I can't see how she can be a lovely person and a good friend at the same time as being highly antagonistic to anything that doesn't fit with her ideas and completely incapable of ever admitting she could be wrong about anything.

scarletforya · 15/06/2013 15:13

I don't think you can cherry pick though. It'simpossible to keep the good bits with the bad.

I have an ex-friend like this. Same thing, she'd argue Jesus off the cross but has no insight and thinks it's everyone else with the problem. She did eventually turn on me.

I think you should definitely distance yourself a lot as I reckon it's only a matter of time she turns on you. If you stop being 'useful' to her for example.

schobe · 15/06/2013 15:14

She's probably only a good friend and a nice person to you at the moment because you don't feel able to be honest with her. Perhaps you always say what she wants to hear.

But if you really think about it - is she there for you if you need support or help? If she is, do you feel a strong expectation for you to 'repay' the favour or is it generously done?

I think you need to have a think about the dynamic and re-evaluate. You may not be able to distance yourself without having some sort of honest conversation with her tbh.

greenfolder · 15/06/2013 15:40

what are you getting out of the friendship?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/06/2013 17:24

She's lovely whilst you're being nice and doing what she wants.

Put you and your children first, tell her no and start to distance yourself. She sounds like hard work if she riles so many people.

thezebrawearspurple · 15/06/2013 17:59

She's superficially charming when she wants to be, genuinely 'lovely' people do not behave as you've described this woman. If you don't want to be a part of her dramas, then disengage from them, if you don't want to mind her kid then say no, if you don't want to be judged negatively by association then get rid of her and if you want lovely friends, not having her in your life will make lovely people more inclined to want to be around you long enough to develop a friendship.

Whatever you do, stop indulging her nonsense. She behaves horribly because she has enablers who facilitate and tolerate her awful behaviour.

Nanny0gg · 15/06/2013 18:27

Despite being a bit hot tempered, she is actually a lovely person

When reading the rest of your post, this does not make sense. If she is as difficult for others to be around as you have said, lovely she ain't.

And you might find, when you keep avoiding her childcare requests, that her temper turns on you.

helenthemadex · 15/06/2013 19:48

I had a friend like this, she fell out with everyone, it was so stressful to go out with her she would take offence at the slightest thing.

I made allowances for her because she was going through a hard time. Eventually she turned her temper on me, by this point I had simply had enough and didnt bother trying to sort it out as I had done in the past

my advice would be to slowly and distance yourself from her, when a friendship becomes stressful it is not a friendship

Bobyan · 15/06/2013 20:08

She sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen...

CrapBag · 15/06/2013 20:10

If people give you the wide berth when with her, then she doesn't sound like a lovely person at all.

YANBU to distance yourself at all. Let her get on with her dramas and not involve you, or use you as childcare when she wants to be with her BF.

HanShotFirst · 15/06/2013 20:16

She's 'a lovely person' in your eyes because you lie down and take it, whereas other people are not willing to tiptoe around her so get a mouthful.

I'd take a step back and if she kicks off you have your answer. Or you could actually tell her you disagree with her sometimes and see what she says. You sound like good person, she is not and will continue to drag you down.

pictish · 15/06/2013 20:20

She sounds like a pain in the arse. Is she quite a new friend then?

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2013 20:21

If this was your DH you were talking about, the words 'Dick', 'Twat' and 'Manchild' would have been mentioned by now.

At least this person is someone you can walk away from relatively easy

I'd distance yourself as soon as possible.

CombineBananaFister · 15/06/2013 20:26

As others have said, is she only 'genuinely lovely' because you've never had the misfortune to cross her? That's not really a balanced friendship IMHO so see how she is with you when you need something or don't agree with her than make up your mind..
It's not good if she alienates you from a LOT of other people.

Original poster

loopyluna · 16/06/2013 08:29

Ok, I get the point.
We've been friends for about 9 years and she's not superficially lovely, she is a very kind and generous person underneath, really! She used to be a bit feisty but she has definitely gone off the scale in the last couple of years, and her nice side has been pretty much buried under her aggressive side.
I'm not seeing her so much right now anyway, due to work, so will try to retreat gradually, without confrontation, and see how it goes.

OP posts:

helenthemadex · 16/06/2013 15:05

you could so easily be talking about the person I knew, she could be lovely and great company but her 'dark' side took over

ENormaSnob · 16/06/2013 16:18

She sounds like a nob head.

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