I am shit at actually telling people things. What do I say to this person who keeps saying stuff to me that has nothing to do with me!
CrapBag · 15/06/2013 13:32
I have a friend, we are good friends but are drifting somewhat lately.
Anyway, there was a time when her group of closer friends and a group of friends that I am close with were sort of becoming one group. We went away for a weekend, they were always invited to 'my' friends occasions etc, although it has become apparent that it is never reciprocated from 'their' side and we have really separated into 2 groups again. Oh well, not the end of the world. At first I was really stuck in the middle being friends with both sides but it has become apparent that the group that doesn't reciprocate don't include me either so I don't think of them as friends anymore. That's life and I am not bothered as I feel we don't have that much in common.
Now my good friend has a very busy life, she is always doing something and always has to fill all of her time, she can never just go with the flow but she often has the whole month booked in advance of stuff to do.
Recently 'my' group of friends all did a few different things throughout a week, things to which she was invited but never responded (not that uncommon lately). They were not my events to organise so who was invited along had nothing to do with me, like many other things in the group, its not always me that organises them so I do not dictate who is invited (most of the time she actually is invited).
My close friend had a bit of a go at me recently about this particular week. She had a bone to pick with me and kept saying about how she got on her high horse and thought fine that she wasn't included in the activities that week (she saw on facebook that we had been doing things). I told her that she had been invited and that she hadn't responded (the friend who organised the stuff told me before about it). She was adamant and kept on to me about it. This isn't the first time. Eventually she checked her phone and found that, oh yes, she had been invited. Then came out with excuses as to why she hadn't responded but no apology for basically having a go at me.
This keeps happening with her. Most of the time she is invited, occasionally she isn't but she never invites the rest of 'my' group when she does something with her friends and is rarely inviting me these days, yet she is getting increasingly huffy about being left out of something. It always seem to be me who has to hear about it and takes the flak, as it were.
Now I am rubbish at confrontation or indeed pulling anyone up on something and I will do anything to avoid it but I am getting fed up of this now and I am going to have to say something the next time (and it will as there is something coming up in a few weeks that she isn't invited to) she brings it up.
Please help me be tactful and what do I say? All help appreciated for my social ineptitudes.
Thumbwitch · 15/06/2013 13:47
Start with "Why do you think this is my fault?" and if she says she doesn't, then ask her to take it up with the person whose fault she believes it is (which seems to be her but she's failing to recognise that).
If she believes it IS your fault then you have a totally different problem to deal with that might end your friendship anyway.
jammiedonut · 15/06/2013 13:53
Sod tact. Tell her to grow up. If someone had the gall to abuse me when she simply couldn't be bothered to check her messages and then had the cheek to NOT apologise I'd be telling her a few things about herself, not letting it go and continuing to invite her out!
If she asks why she's not invited to the next event let her know that as she ignored all other invites you didn't want to waste the time inviting her again
CrapBag · 15/06/2013 13:55
Thanks. I know these are things I should easily be able to say and they aren't horrible or offensive. I am just shit at actually doing it. My heart actually races and I feel panicky and shaky if I get involved in any sort of proper confrontation.
It is becoming hard work and I am beginning to feel like I am not bothered anymore. However she has some free time soon and is planning on us doing lots of catching up. I feel like I should be grateful to her!
CrapBag · 15/06/2013 14:03
She would definitely know I was doing it on purpose. I am known for being the only person who actually replies to texts as soon as I get them as it drives me mad if I don't.
I am still waiting on a reply from yesterday and the reminder I sent today. I actually need an answer and if I don't get it, then it will be something that she will be left out of but at least she cannot say that I didn't ask her.
Thumbwitch · 15/06/2013 14:06
If you need an answer then PHONE her. And when she asks why you're phoning, say "Because you're shit at checking your messages, I've sent you 2 and I need an answer, AND I don't need you abusing me for supposedly not inviting you when I HAVE but you can't be arsed to check your messages"
Phone her. Go on.
Iamsparklyknickers · 15/06/2013 14:07
She's busy - well her and the rest of the world, are you meant to call her and remind her about invitations like some sort of PA? She's an adult and can sort out her own RSVP's.
Don't be grateful - I take it anything she organises for the two of you is for her benefit as well? Don't take this the wrong way, but if she wasn't with you she'd be with someone else so don't go thinking she's benevolently spending her time thinking 'ooohh I bet Crapbag would love this'.
I don't think you necessarily have to have a confrontation, next time she brings it up and starts whining refer to the situation (never yourself - using words like 'I' and 'me' only reinforces her perception that she's behaving appropriately) and point out that she didn't reply and then change the subject.
Personally I'd be dropping her on a one to one basis and keep to group situations only.
Iamsparklyknickers · 15/06/2013 14:12
No reminders - you've sent her one text and if she hasn't learnt her lesson after being proven wrong in front of you then she's an entitled dick!!!
Ok, baby steps - go ahead and organise whatever you were inviting her too. She hasn't replied to two texts so is clearly too busy. If you want to put a nice spin on it, then no-one wants to nag someone who is preoccupied with other things so you're just letting her get on with it without taking it personally.
You're being considerate really.
CrapBag · 15/06/2013 14:22
I'm not phoning her, she will have seen the messages, mainly because the first time I sent the one I am waiting for a reply to, we had just been texting anyway. Plus she hates being phoned, especially in the day when she is busy.
The thing is organised anyway, if she turns up she does, if she doesn't she misses out and that's not my problem then. I know the answer will likely be that that wasn't a convenient time for her. It isn't the best time but we were trying to sort out a time between the rest of us earlier and it is a nightmare to get a time when everyone is free and can leave the kids at home as well. This was the only time we could come up with so if it doesn't fit with her, then we have said that we aren't going to change it (we haven't told her that yet).
Thank you for the responses. It does help me to see that I am not being petty about it. I was wondering really as she has been a good friend in the past but like I said, I feel we are drifting but she thinks that we are going to pick up where we left off when she is going to be less busy soon and I am not sure that I suddenly want to come running when she has some free time.
MrsPennyapple · 15/06/2013 18:11
Gosh, how ever does she manage to fit in all these social engagements with the other group, being so busy all the time?
My thinking is that she likes being the dominant one, and having this degree of control over you - she decides when she will deign to talk to you? Well it's awfully good of her to take the time out of her busy schedule!
You've mentioned that you find it difficult to say how you feel. It sounds like she only treats you in this way because she feels she can, with no consequences. It is up to you to show her that her behaviour is unacceptable. No need to confront, or have a row. Just distance yourself. Don't reply straight away to text messages, and don't be available when she wants to meet. Or be purposefully vague and say you'll get back to her (and don't). If she actually does care, she'll notice and ask, in a nice way rather than having a go.
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