Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not support my friend over this? (ex related)

15 replies

MrsRhysMeyers · 15/06/2013 09:10

My friend has a DD who is 7, the same age as one of my DDs. When her DD was a baby, she split with her DD's dad. The main reasons were he had cheated on her, and they also argued a lot.

Over the years, my friend has been persistently awkward about allowing him contact. He seems like a good father, who loves his DD, and he's always reliable about picking her up. But because he cheated on her, my friend still bears a grudge against him, and will let him see her several times, then will stop contact again, just because she can. This results in her being taken back to court by her DD's father. Then the whole cycle starts again. They go to court, she allows him to see her several times, then just stops. She also claims her DD hates seeing him but whenever she says it in front of her DD, her DD says that she likes going there and that she wants to go again.

Anyway, all our mutual friends are always very supportive to my friend, and I have always been there for her, but I'm beginning to get annoyed with the way she behaves about allowing her ex contact. She is moaning on her Facebook status this morning about what an arsehole is as he is threatening to take her back to court, and all our mutuals are replying with what a total arse he is and what a bastard and he needs to leave well alone and stop causing her stress. But I can't help thinking that she is bringing it all on herself.

Her DD is only supposed to go there every other weekend for one day and one night, so it's not like there is meant to be loads of contact, and she moans as she has no time to herself as a single mum. I can't understand why she is still using something that happened years ago as a weapon against him and why she is doing it to her DD. And yes, I know I'm not being a very good friend, but I have been in the past to her, I just don't feel I can support her in this so I am going to keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 15/06/2013 09:22

I don't think being a good friend is telling people what they want to hear. In this respect, your friend is being a bad mum. It's not fair to her DD to see her dad, then not, then see him, for no good reason.

I'm not sure your friend is open to advice though. Are there court proceedings now? Does she have a lawyer? Might be worth supporting her by going to the appointments and then encouraging some honesty so that she can get proper advice.

MrsRhysMeyers · 15/06/2013 09:25

The problem is Zillion that she isn't the kind of person who takes honesty well. She only wants to hear what she wants to hear and she hates it if anyone says something else. She is also quite a victimy type of person and I think if I spoke against the grain and said "Actually I think it might be a good idea to let him have access" she would become the victim in our group of friends and others would probably be annoyed with me for upsetting her.

There are court proceedings, and she has a solicitor, who has advised her to allow contact, but my friend thinks she knows better.

OP posts:
CocacolaMum · 15/06/2013 09:40

I agree with Zillion, be honest with her. Who wants sycophants for friends?!!? You say she is the sort of person who doesn't take honesty well, you could be the sort of person who only gives fair, honest advice - why should it be you who has to compromise who they are?

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/06/2013 09:49

Why don't you just tell her how you feel and if her choice is to withdraw from the friendship so be it.

thebody · 15/06/2013 09:53

Oh dear she sounds very childish.

Being a friend as posters have already said for involve straight talking as well as being supportive.

If your friend was a their would you support her?

Tell her what you think and then its up to her.

Mia4 · 15/06/2013 10:01

Poor kid. YANBU to feel this way OP and one aspect of friendship is honesty, even if she won't take it well. Perhaps if more told her the truth she wouldn't feel as justified doing this. I feel doubly sorry for her daughter, being denied contact if it's out of spite and then I'm sure one day when she's older if she does want to see her dad then she'll have the choice and she'll feel anger and possibly hate towards her mother for her actions.

I wonder if in a decade the mum will be moaning on fb about her 'ungrateful daughter', guilting her into no contact or even losing her if her DD is strong enough to say 'stop fucking up my life'.

NatashaBee · 15/06/2013 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quoteunquote · 15/06/2013 12:09

say "Actually I think it might be a good idea to let him have access"

she would become the victim in our group of friends

Her daughter is the one missing out, if she wants to see it as herself suffering let her,

and others would probably be annoyed with me for upsetting her.

I bet they all think the same as you, and who cares anyway, life is not a popularity contest.

If she doesn't let her bugbears go , she will never be able to move on and be happy, it all so self-defeating.

Tell her you love her, but you think she is making a huge mistake, and to have a rethink.

aldiwhore · 15/06/2013 12:14

Some friends are worth fighting for, and some are worth fighting with. Some friends only have the function of stopping us feeling lonely, and they're valid too.

This is an issue that is worth being honest about, it is worth fighting with your friend. If she walks away you've lost nothing but company (it doesn't sound like she brings much else to the friendship table) and will be easy to replace with new shiny friends that are worth fighting for.

Not a nice situation to be in at all, but I think you have to be honest.

helenthemadex · 15/06/2013 12:41

if you are as you say her friend then you should say something to her.

my ex did the same to me and left me for ow when I was pregnant. Hard as it is you have to separate how you feel about them with your childs right to have an ongoing relationship with the non resident parent.

I have no advice on how you can say this to your friend but if you do this you will be doing your friends dd a huge favour, and although she probably cant see it right now in the long run it will benefit her as well

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 15/06/2013 12:45

Can you talk to any of your mutual friends about this?

RedHelenB · 15/06/2013 12:48

I think you need as a friend to say to her that she could risk losing having her daughter live with her if she is seen as being deliberately obstructive to allowing contact.

CrapBag · 15/06/2013 13:36

I would still point out to her that the only one she is hurting in all of this is her DD (ok her ex as well but she won't want to hear that).

Tough shit if she plays the victim and all your other friends stand by her. I hate it when parents use their children because they have a grudge against an ex. Its not on and not fair on the children.

Personally I would say that I didn't want to hear anymore about it because she is being unfair, she is only going to be kept being taken to court and actually she needs to grow up!

Being a friend doesn't just mean telling them what they want to hear.

ZillionChocolate · 15/06/2013 15:46

I quite like a two stage approach. 1. Tell her what you think 2. Refuse to talk about it at all because you disagree with what she's doing.

If there are proceedings, then they'll be an order and if she fails to comply with it , she'll be in trouble.

Feelslikea1sttimer · 15/06/2013 17:46

I wish one of my ex's friends had stepped in and told him what an arse he was being regarding the kids...

Slightly different story, but he had every opportunity to see his children and I was more than fair with contact but he was a self pitying fool who could not get past his bitterness towards me (there was no OM involved, I just left) his children now have no contact at all with him and don't even speak to him and that is entirely their choice.

If I were you, I would try and broach the subject and tell her how it will be seen from the judges point of view and she could get in serious trouble if she continually breaches court orders, then you are still being a sympathetic friend whilst getting your point across.

Good luck

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread