to contact her

[squashedbanana]

A while back a friend of mine deserted me while I was going through a horrendous time by using the excuse of getting upset over something incredibly trivial. I found out today that something dreadful has happened that has turned what she thought was a perfect life upside down.

She left me when I needed a friend more than anything and left me isolated and alone but I feel like I want to send her a message to say I am thinking of her and hope she's ok. I am not expecting a response from her but I feel I need to say something.

I don't want to upset her further or make her think I have an ulterior motive as we haven't spoken since she effectively 'dumped' me and I don't want her to think I am only contacting her as I am secretly gloating because of some kind of 'karma'

Should I leave her be or should I message her? I am so scared of upsetting her more I don't know what to write if I do contact her

I think your message would be lovely

I heard x happened. I'm here if you need me.

do you think she might be a mumsnetter??

I don't think so useher

redexpat that sounds good, but I talk a lot! So I have an urge to embellish it...

How does this sound?

"Hi ***. I heard what happened and I am so sorry. I know we fell out but we used to be friends. I am here if you need me x"

How's that?

I wouldn't say the bit about falling out, maybe 'I know we haven't spoken for a while'?

Or maybe you should just leave it in peace, she'll have a lot on at the moment and you'll just give her another thing to think about.

I'd say leave it for now, if it's recently happened and her life is in chaos right now give it time then perhaps drop her a couple of lines. But resist the urge to embellish.

I think you should send a message but agree with Eilidhbelle about what you should say.
You should prepare yo
urself for the fact that she may not answer, but it's very kind of you to show her that you're thinking of her.

In your shoes i would do the same.

It's very nice to want to support her but i would resist the urge to sort out your differences along the way. You may feel it needs saying or resolving but as Ellidhbelle says you may inadvertently be adding a complexity she could do without.

Equally try not to be upset if she doesn't respond or asks you to leave her alone, she may just not want to open other wounds at the moment. But respect her response. I know you would though from the tone of your post
Good luck.

YANBU but from my own experience I would hold fire. It would depend on whether it was something you know she would rather you didn't know. So for example, her husband running off with the baby sitter. She may think its only known amongst close friends when suddenly someone she hasn't had contact with for ages crops up offering support. She will then think its being talked about or ask if you know then who else knows. As lovely as it is that you want to help I would say think through the implications of her knowing you know first.

I did something similar a few years ago. I sent someone I wasn't close to but knew a well meaning text in an hour of need. It was genuinely heart felt on my part but caused all sorts of ructions as the person in question then realised the event was common knowledge. I would think twice before doing it again but only you know if this is applicable in your case.

If you send that message and that message alone,then I think it's a nice gesture that she will probably appreciate,if not respond to immediately.

But you have to be prepared to bite back any resentment or recriminations you have about her deserting you should she take you up on your offer of support. Only you know if you can do that.

Also you might have to brace yourself to not getting a response at all. Which is hard to take, I've had that happen. It's really hard to take.

I've spent the weekend thinking about it and I am going to leave it. I don't want to cause her more upset if she is pissed off to hear from me and I am not sure what I could do to help anyway. Thanks for the advice and feedback