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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy a Father's Day card for Dds dad?

14 replies

Oswin · 14/06/2013 12:09

Dd age 3 decided she is making a Father's Day card for her grandad (my exes stepdad). She told her nursery teacher she doesn't have a daddy!

Her dad lives with his mother and step father. Dd goes to stay at her house 3 to 4 times a months. While she's there her dad will see her but will also go out while she's there so she spends more time with his parents.

Now she's saying she doesn't want to do him a Father's Day card. I've told him what she has said and asked him to spend more one on one time with her. I got a message full of abuse back.

I was gonna just buy one for him and write it myself and send it, but after that AIBU To just not bother getting one for him and let DD take her card for her grandad there without a card for her father?

OP posts:

DeskPlanner · 14/06/2013 12:24

How old is dd ? I honestly wouldn't bother, he doesn't seem much of a father. It's nice that dd is close to her grandfather.

DeskPlanner · 14/06/2013 12:24

How old is dd ? I honestly wouldn't bother, he doesn't seem much of a father. It's nice that dd is close to her grandfather.

DeskPlanner · 14/06/2013 12:24

How old is dd ? I honestly wouldn't bother, he doesn't seem much of a father. It's nice that dd is close to her grandfather.

DeskPlanner · 14/06/2013 12:27

Stupid phone .

Also noticed dd is 3. Well she seems to have the measure of her father already. Hopefully this will make him think again and want to spend more time with his daughter.

redskyatnight · 14/06/2013 12:33

I think you have to be the bigger person and get him a card (or persuade DD to make one). She's too young to be doing more than reacting to recent situations.

I'm a brownie leader and we had 2 brownies this week sayign they didn't want to make Fathers' days gifts - one said her dad was always working and she hardly saw him, the other (it sounded like) had had a recent disagreement.

Did we say, they shouldn't make gifts? No, we suggested that dad was probably trying to do the best he could and even he wasn't it cost them nothing to make a kind gesture.

HerrenaHarridan · 14/06/2013 12:37

No you absolutely shouldn't!

Pp it's different for a club leader.

If she doesn't want to make him a card leave her to it. Offer her a listening ear. Just because she's three is no reason to override her decision in this.

redfairy · 14/06/2013 13:51

I think you should be encouraging her to make or 'sign' a card for your XP. Cards are cheap but a relationship with Dad is priceless. Once gone it's terribly hard to re-build. I know it's difficult to stand by and see your XP treat his relationship with DD so lightly. But there will be plenty of time for DD to see how it is as she grows. For the time being she is having a strong relationship with XP's side of the family which can only be a good thing.

Idocrazythings · 14/06/2013 14:09

Can you not have a word with exMIL, and explain what was said, and leave it to her to help out DD with a card. I just wonder if grandad gets a card and not dad if it might strain things in the home and make things awkward for DD?

The question to ask yourself is would you expect the "ex-family" to arrange Mother's Day cards for you and how much of a relationship do you wish to have with them?

AmberLeaf · 14/06/2013 14:18

She has said how she feels and her argument is valid IMO.

Surprised at those suggesting making her do it even though she doesnt want to for reasons that are her Dads fault!

Why encourage this little girl to accept being treated poorly and to go out of her way for someone who doesn't appear to give a toss?

Bad message about relationships IMO

AmberLeaf · 14/06/2013 14:19

...and I was all ready to say YABU, but this is not about your feelings [as I presumed it wold be] it is about your daughters feelings.

AmberLeaf · 14/06/2013 14:21

Cards are cheap but a relationship with Dad is priceless. Once gone it's terribly hard to re-build

Those are words the Dad needs to hear and think about, not the OP or her DD.

beth27123 · 14/06/2013 14:22

A relationship would be hard to rebuild yes, but if a father ended a relationship with a three year old over a lack of card I'd wonder who was the child in the relationship. I think it should give him the kick up the backside he needs.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 14/06/2013 14:23

I would do what you plan to do.

Why should you try to protect him from seeing how his child feels?

She doesn't want to do one because she doesn't feel he deserves it. I don't think you should try to spare him from that.

She obviously has a lot of what are probably very painful feelings and she's trying to tell you.

Original poster

Oswin · 14/06/2013 14:32

Thanks for all your replies. Exmil buys me mothers days cards and birthday presents she really is a great mil to have.

DD is nearly four but is very stubborn. She told me last night he isn't her father so she's not sending him a card.

He seems to think seeing her an hour a week is fine, when he's other house he doesn't even sit with her, he sits in his bedroom.

I hope seeing his stepdad getting a card will give him a kick up the arse. I really want Dd to have a good relationship with her dad, ive always had a wonderfull relationship with my father. It makes me so sad to see her let down by him.

OP posts:

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