Aibu to not want to get involved in this?

[Dontinvolveme]

I'll try to keep the background brief. My mum is an alcoholic and compulsive liar. My sister cut herself off from mum after a long and difficult relationship, they haven't spoken for a good 6 months. Mum has a history of mysterious accidents like riding her bike into a bus shelter, a mysterious car crash that she would give no details about (she doesn't drive) and various others.

Yesterday she rang me to say she fell off her ladders and has broken ribs, black eyes, bleeding on the brain etc. her injuries don't quite add up with how she was injured, me and DP have been wondering if she was beaten up. Anyway, I told my sister that mum was in hospital, now she's starting to think along the same lines as us that it doesn't add up, but she wants to get to bottom of it. She wants to come down today to find out what the real story is as she's worried mum could be in trouble with debt collectors, and that then would affect our inheritance.

Aibu to say not to come and not to start interrogating mum about her private life? I've learnt not to get myself to deeply involved with mum as she's such a head fuck you end up going crazy wondering what's the truth with her and it drives you mad. My sister is also quite volatile, a very strong woman who can be quite intimidating. My plan was just to support mum in hospital and help her get better, now my sister wants to me to try and sneak a house key from her so she can snoop round the house and try and find out the truth. I don't know what to do.

Sorry it's long when I said I'd keep it brief!

So your sister has cut your Mum off but now wants to safeguard her inheritance?

Your Mum sounds a but of a mare, but your sister sounds awful!

I would not get involved, especially if my siblings motive was inheritance and that's the only reason they have a shit.

I had the same thought - your sister wants nothing to do with her except inheritance?!

I would steer clear, definitely!

It's hard to explain but I can see it from sisters view. Mum has got away with a lot over the years and any inheritance she can get would probably be seen as the one good thing to come from mum.

Should I be getting involved in mums life if it looks as if she could be in trouble though?

I might ask my Mum if she had any troubles, but I wouldn't press her on it, she's a grown woman.

And I detest inheritance anyway. It should be banned. So any motive regarding inheritance is a no for me.

What a piece of work. She doesn't care about your mother's wellbeing, she only cares about any money she can get from her.

She cut your mother off. What makes her think she is even getting an inheritance?

You can be supportive and ask some open questions, but then I think you should leave it. I wouldn't expect to inherit anything from a lying alcoholic.

Your sister is piece of work!

I would talk to your mum and find out if she is in trouble? Perhaps ask her if she is interested in talking to someone about it, is CAB, Samaritans, GP and then I think you have to leave it there.

Snooping around her home is a bad idea, what is she is in debt to some dodgy characters? What then? Are you going to take on the debt?

On paper, what your sister is suggesting sounds outrageous, but family dynamics always have hidden subtleties.

If your sister uncovers anything during her covert house search, what do you suppose she'll do? To be honest, the inheritance thing is out of anyone's hands, unless there is a case for someone officially taking over your mother's affairs, which seems unlikely.

I'd leave your sister to her own devices and keep well out of it, unless you think you're up to fighting off unscrupulous money-lenders, abusive partners, offering support if your mother is becoming unwell, or whatever else you might uncover.

Support you Mum and possibly get outside agencies in if you think there is something really bad going on.

Who do you suspect is beating her up? If she's a drinker is it possible the injuries are from that - falling down stairs etc - or is it very likely they've been inflicted by another person? Have you spoken to the hospital because if they have concerns they may have to involve social services. If you can get their involvement you could make sure your Mum is being looked after without getting too close yourself.

I wouldn't get involved with your sister's schemes. If the only thing she cares about is her inheritance she can deal with it on her own. I'm sure there are reasons so I won't judge her too harshly but it doesn't sound very nice at all and I wouldn't want any part of it.

Don't get involved with your sister, she sounds mercenary. There is little point in interrogating your mum at this point because she probably won't remember exactly what happened anyway hence the fanciful made-up stories (alcohol does terrible things to the brain). She is ill, injured and vulnerable even though she is a 'head fuck' as you so succinctly put it.

Invading your mum's private space and snooping through her personal things when she is in hospital is unforgivable. Get hold of the key if you can and don't co-operate. The 'worry about debt collectors' is a poor excuse from your sister - it sounds like she's more worried that her mother is spending her inheritance on drink. You sound like a nice caring daughter I can't say the same for your sibling.

If you feel you need support from people who have 'been there', have you thought about approaching Al-Anon?

Your sister can do what she decides to do without you getting personally involved. I think you feel uncomfortable with the idea of stealing a key for her. So don't do it.

And if you DO find out there's some dodgy stuff going on, then what? In other words, do you REALLY want to know?

Steer clear and stay out of it.

I don't know why people feel entitled to inheritance. You make your own way in life. If someone decides to leave you something in their will, well that's a lovely bonus - not something one should feel is due.

PS I know your Mum probably doesn't have a will so inheritance will be by default thingy, but same principle

I can understand the sister. She sounds like a terrible mother, however, don't do anything you are not comfortable with.

To me if you cut someone off you cut someone off. That means everything, including inheritance. Your sister could not care less for your mother (be that justified or not) and only has her eyes on money. She should not be there.

Yes, I do think it's worth you questioning your mother about her life because it sounds like she's in trouble and needs help. I'm not sure if it's your place to say your sister shouldn't come but I would if I were you

The only reason I'd suggest going along with your sister's plan of sneaking a key would be so that you can find out what's actually going on, but then what would you do with the information? Tell your mum, "Oh by the way, when you were in hospital we took advantage of the opportunity...", I don't see how that would help your mum. The truth needs to come from her if she wants you to know. Yes, she sounds like a nightmare, I think this is something for social services to look into rather than you. If things are as you think then you wouldn't be able to sort it out - even paying off any debt does not guarantee that these 'accidents' will stop if that is actually what's happening. Speak to the hospital and your mum, she might be willing to tell you. Tell your sister that she'd be doing all of you a favour if she shoved off back to wherever she's been, I can understand that there are reasons for cutting parents out but coming back to safeguard inheritance is disgusting - she can't have her cake and eat it too. YANBU - point your mum in the right direction of some help.

Yes, please don't judge my sister too harshly, our mum really has been a terrible mum and is a big reason as to why my sister is like this.

Thanks for your advice though, I've put my sister off coming down and advised her to ring the hospital if she wants to find out more information about her injuries. I will gently ask mum if there's any more to it than what she's saying but I'm very doubtful that I'll get a truthful answer.

In terms of helping mum, she's had all the help possible thrown at her but she doesn't seem to want any of it. That's why I'm at the point of keeping her at arms length now, I can't have her fully in my life but I can't cut her off completely either. I have asked for a key loads of times anyway, just to be able to go check on her when she goes on a heavy binge, but she always makes excuses.

Thanks again for the advice. I was getting myself all anxious about it, doesn't half help to have someone outside the situation give their opinion.

I would leave it to be honest.

I won't judge your sis at all.......a couple of friends grew up with an alcoholic parent and my sister had alcohol problems too......the shit they went through growing up was horrendous and I don't blame anyone in that position cutting ties. Plus like you say, inheritance can but make up for it a tiny bit.

Your sister is probably cold towards your mum now, no surprise really.

I understand your sister and you both had a terrible life with your mother.

There's not much you can do if she is in charge of her own affairs anyway.

You do what you are comfortable with and let your sister do the same.