To not want to have to put up with DH behaving like a spoiled child?

[Kirky12]

I have just come home to a temper tantrum from my DH after a long day at work. Started to ask if I could go to read to DS2 who wasn't asleep - house was a mess. he basically smashed the broom over the kitchen table and when I said would you like to go out for a bit, he told me to get out. Shut up etc etc. I left and have come to the pub and ordered a glass of wine. I'm sure he expected me to hang around to be verbally abused until he'd let off steam. He works from hme one day a week, this is the ONLY day he has to do the kids on his own from 315- 730... Surely this is just behaving like a twat!

Babette I have told him to do exactly that - work until they finish school / nursery / and then catch up in the evening when I get back. It seems easy to me - but then he doesn't seem to be able to recognise when things are getting on top of him. I would then just stick on the DVD or something and take 30 minutes to clear up, get sorted and then move on with the evening. But I genuinely think he has no clarity. Ps he has a good and brain demanding job...so he's not thick.

I am sorry, kirky, this is a horrible realisation to come to

the kids getting older is going to exacerbate the situation though

don't ever say he wouldn't take it out on the kids...because he will, and every day you swallow the verbal use and explain away his ridiculous dramas you are assisting in modelling poor coping skills to them

it's not even "coping" skills though is it...he appears to find it difficult to be a decent human being which is not exactly fucking rocket science

Pictish yes he does not to the same degree, and more often than not its not about anything I've done....just he's rather warped way of dealing with his own stress.

Kirky, this is not normal behaviour from an adult man. He is trying to control you with his outbursts. My husband tried a tantrum like that very early in our marriage. I took the children and left. I did not go back until he completed anger management and we had family therapy. Noone should be subject to another's verbal abusive. EVER.
Btw, I have a 16 year old with Asperger's. My son has a good understanding of appropriate ways to cope with anger.
Please take care of yourself and your children.x

His way of dealing with his stress is to verbally abuse you?

Anyfucker yes you are right that's exactly what I say in my head....how can you not deal with this ....but this all predates me and the kids - this is him. Maybe that's what bad parenting can create or maybe that's doing his parents a disservice. I don't know . I'm going home now though, I left at 715 this morning and I'd really like my own house back. Thanks for the advise. It has helped a lot - really it has .

Babette, it is abusive to intimidate someone by smashing household objects. Would you accept that sort of behaviour from a colleague and merely state " Oh that's just John having a tantrum, he's under so much stress? "

Smashing things is intimidation. I put up with it until it turned to actual violence. Eventually I had to LTB. There is no excuse - stress, bored, attention whatever.

I seem to be typing this out a lot recently

My father was like this to my mother all through my childhood. He embarassed the whole family on many occasions by having his massive tantrums loudly and publically. He verbally abused my mother and she took it, over and over.

Oh, she'd have a little vent and a mini meltdown every so often and he would STFU for short periods and expect us all to go back to Happy Families

My mum did, my siblings did. But I refused to, hence massive friction as I grew up. He hated me for that, because I refused to play along with his "nice" spells...I saw them as false and short lived from a young age.

This is what your family has to look forward to. You are currently soothing yourself with "he never hurts the kids"

well < wake up call > hurting your kids mother is child abuse

I have no relationship with him now, and the one I have with my mother is very strained after I came to the realisation she should have protected her kids first and herself second

they are still together

he still smashes objects up and talks to my mother like she is a piece of shit

what a waste of a life

Hi Op, presuming that you don't want to leave him, even though he is acting like a twat, wait until tomorrow, then sit down with him and together come up with some coping strategies that will "make his time easier" (ie make it less stressful for you) - do it in a non-confrontational way.

My DH would let the kids run wild, silently seething and be so furious with them by the end of the evening, he didn't know what to do with himself (he had a crap abusive father). He was never abusive or violent, but would just take himself off into a different room, and seethe. We discussed ways of dealing with it - ie, taking control of the kids before he starts getting pissed off. It's working well and his confidence is building.

Maybe this is a similar problem?

kirky, I tell you these things with no expectation of what you should do

but what do you think my mother should have done....40 fucking years ago ?

I agree with you, and I'm sure his Dad was the same. But how do you break the cycle, I'm not a defeatist I genuinely want to find a way and to make sure I have tried everything before giving up on a hopeless case. As I got home I did say next time I may not be back. I am naturally a fighter, or an achiever not a doormat...

how can you fight for something he has no investment in himself ?

how can you achieve something if he isn't on the same side ?

in other words, you can't do it yourself...that really is doormat mentality