To think MIL's behaviour is a bit odd?

[TheParsnipsWillEatUsAll]

NC as normal name is easily link.able to me.

Genuine AIBU, as really not sure if this is a normal way of being with your children.

Bit of backstory- DH and I live abroad. ILs have visited us once for 6 weeks, which I found very trying (they're quite self centred and I felt I was treated as a bit of a skivvy and we were expected to pay for everything, even though they know we're skint because I'm on maternity leave) but I managed to conceal any ill feeling, so even my DH thought I was enjoying having them here.

My parents and I are very close and speak most days on Skype, so I am really unsure of whether MIL is a bit odd in her behaviour.

So, the main question over whether people think this is odd:
PIL never call us on the phone or on Skype. It always has to be DH initiating contact. They also hardly ever reply to emails, even though we send regular email updates of how our DC is doing and ask how they are etc. I have actually given up emailing them, as I used to send really nice, chatty emails and never once got a reply. MiL will, however, fairly regularly post on DH's wall on Facebook, saying would we send pictures of DC as they "need" them. The other day she replied to an email DH sent by copying and pasting her response onto his public wall on FB rather than sending it privately to his email. She will only ever make nice comments of pictures of DC we put on FB, she will never reply to emails that pictures are sent in.

AIBU to thinthis is a bit odd to only ever communicate with your son in a public way? It seems to me like she wants to appear to all DH's relations (aunties, uncles etc) like she's a caring mum, without bothering to really be one. I haven't said any of this to DH as I don't want him to feel sad about his mum or think that I feel ill of her, but I would really appreciate knowing if it's me that has this hang up or if it is a bit off.

Thanks so much if you got this far (not the most exciting AIBU ever)!

That's it - she wants to be seen as being perfect granny/mum. Stop investing time in sending emails and leave her to it!

She is odd! Be thankful you don't see her a lot!

Everyone has their prefered communication medium. Hers is Facebook.

I often don't check my un-used email. I often don't check my used on. I don't answer the phone, hate texting but love Facebook.

Though I conduct most of my personal coms on their via pm.

YANBU. BUT, there's a slim chance that she is NBU either.

Facebook is for friends. Parents inevitably use it oddly.

The not phoning isn't that odd, at least they do speak, when your DH calls them. I find the idea of talking to a parent daily extraordinary. Or anyone, who doesn't live in my house, actually.

My DM does not ring me unless someone has died or is about to die.

I ring her all the time but struggle to find a time when she is in. I try and try.

I end up ringing my DSis to find out when she is likely to be in or check she is ok.

My DM does not own, or want to own a mobile phone or computer.

At least you have FB to communicate. I don't even have that.

Although you ILs are odd, as is my DM!

Thanks for your replies so far. Interesting mix and it's good to have different perspectives - really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Candy - thank you. My thoughts exactly but really wasn't sure if I was being just too harsh.

Aldi - I see what you mean about preferred communication. I just thought it odd to copy and paste her email reply onto DH's public wall (know it was copied as there was her email sign off at the bottom). I think it's because I am quite a private person, so it seems weird to me to do that.

Lottie - it's really been having DC that I have talked with my folks most days (before it was just a couple of times a week). They love to see DC growing, so it seems strange to me that MiL doesn't seem to genuinely care. A wee while ago DH didn't Skype his DM for about 8 weeks and she never bothered with him...I wonder if he was secretly thinking the same as me and wondering how long it would take for her to get in touch. I know she has no problems using the phone as she ran up quite a massive phone bill when they visited us.

I rarely get or send emails these days. Maybe message her on facebook and see if she replies to the message or replies on fb wall. Does sound like she wants to be seen as a doting attentive granny.

I wouldn't go putting much energy into keeping in touch.

I'm not saying you're odd for talking to your parents so much of course but it would be odd for me. Every two weeks is about normal here, usually instigated by them, with Skype, to see dd grow. Was probably a call every three weeks before she appeared but, though we get on well, we have never lived in each others' pockets.

I've seen older relatives use Facebook oddly e.g. make inappropriately personal comments about family situations, that might be ok if talking to a small group who know the family very well, on the wall of someone with 400 friends. Also, using their wall for two-way chat, instead of sending a message, just not understanding the etiquette really.

shes doing it publicly to look like she bothers.

It's weird, but tbh as you don't seem too keen on them, it's probably the ideal situation.

I wouldnt bother with chatty emails either

My GM (DM's not-so-'D'M) is exactly the same. She gets grumpy about emails or even calls (!), saying that all she wants is nicely printed-out albums of photos of DS 'just like her friend Pam got from HER granddaughter '... Basically she just wants cards and other things that show her friends how loved and wonderful she is, and what a great GM, but without the hassle of actually engaging with any of us. Sounds like a good thing she's not on Facebook!

Our solution has been to stop bothering with long chatty emails and even with friendly regular calls, and just send the photos and hard evidence of love that she seems to want... It's sad and a bit of a pain, but not half as miserable as perpetually trying to make a connection with someone who ultimately sees family as something to show off rather than engage with.

How does your DH feel about all this?

Bloody hell, Summer, that makes my MiL seems a lot better in comparison!
I don't know really how DH feels. If I ever try and broach things about his DM openly, he seems to clam up or make up excuses. For instance, when she stayed with us, I spent time before she got here making her something I thought she'd like (won't say what or it'll totally out me if anyone close to her or us reads this). It had personal significance to something she collects, and it was rather lovely. Anyway, when she left she just left it on the bedside table here (alongside a load of snotty tissues under the bed, although that's by the by). I mentioned her leaving it to DH and said I was a bit gutted and he said 'I thought you'd be pleased because that way you get to keep and enjoy it'. When I asked him if he was serious or if he was just trying to style it out, he admitted it was the latter. I think he felt embarrassed too when MiL and her DH came to our wedding and didn't even get us a card to say congratulations, but I never asked as I didn't want him to feel bad.

And Hull, you're right, I'm not keen on her. I think she is all show and no heart. I suspect that, as long as she and her husband are ok, she doesn't care too much whose feelings she hurts, although she wants people to think she is nice.

Are you my sil? Or me?!

My mil is scarily exactly the same. Our situation was the same.

It's definitely all for show.

I wouldn't read too much into fb - that generation do seem a bit useless (thinking of my lovely aunt who likes to show her granddaughter photos i've posted on my wall by tagging them with the granddaughter's name). My mum still can't get the difference between wall posts and messages.

I too tried to communicate with my mil by writing - with no response. Personally i hate the phone and never make calls - i need to see the person or have time to think about what i'm saying. It's taken me a while but now i realise we're the same but in different ways.

Not taking your present sounds mean - but did she realise it was a oresent?

She did, Pica. DH had said to her when he put her stuff in the guest bedroom, 'Look what DW Parsnips made you. She remembered you collected them'.