To want dh to be a bit interested in my past? Or am I just being daft?

[Loutwenty]

Been with dh 3 years, he is step dad to my ten year old ds.

Before I met him, I travelled the world with ds, back packing when ds was younger, I have loads of photos/videos. Recently, I downloaded them all onto the pc to sort out properly and I really wanted to share them with DH. It was an important time in my life, and I thought he would want to see what we did, see ds when he was little. He doesn't care. He's watched a couple of clip, begrudgingly.

My dad bought some home videos of when I was a toddler with him when he came to visit last year, again, DH didn't care - when my dad put them on, he went off to talk to his friend on the phone.

On the other hand, his father is brining down some old family films to transfer onto dvd at the weekend, dh can't wait to have those on.

I just want someone to share them with. I have no family, I haven't got any friends. I'd love to share my memories with dh, but he doesn't want to know.

AIBU to be hurt? Or should I get over it.

Ok a question. I can understand you 'settling', to an extent (though not as far as you've gone) at 34, with a child you'd like a step-dad for and wanting another one. You don't have forever. But - why on earth, at 28, with none of these constraints, did he feel the need to 'settle' for you?

I can only assume he fell in love and you, to an extent, took advantage, then realised you hadn't actually achieved a very advantageous situation. That, or he did 'settle' for a woman who would tolerate him putting his family first and not being terribly interested in her - was he that self-aware, at 25?

If you're not using him, do you love him. Are you in love with him?

If you are, maybe you should go for counselling and try to improve your relationship.

If you're not, and you are staying with him because of where you live and because your ds is settled, then you are doing all three of you a very sad disservice.

lottie - I just don't know.

He was a 'young' 25, although I didn't see it at the time. I think we got together too fast to be honest. I should have known better really.

We have times that are good. THose times, yes, I love him. I do love him, I wish I didn't.

Obviously, I resent doing everything. I am working and studying. But he has the monopoly on being tired and is happyish to live in a shit pit - I can't live in a mess.

How come you don't have friends from that time, Lou? Is it because you moved away, or doesn't he like them?

No, I had a bad break up with ds father. He managed to turn it round and make himself out to be the injured party. People took his side. Then I moved away, with exh full consent, but he told people I had run off with ds. I had no chance to fight my corner - they were vile to me. Exh took great glee, and still does, that he turned them against me. Some i'd known since school. So I have no one, only school gate people to pass the time of day with and people from my course.

I would kick him out and get a lodger in!

Seriously, this is only going to get worse :(

You deserve to be happy and frankly I really do not believe he even cares about you, never mind 'love' you. Sorry.

Lou: Sorry, but you are in a crap relationship.

I can't believe you give him breakfast in bed everyday.
That is crazy.

Downsize and or get a lodger.

You DS will only be happy if you are and the scales are falling from your eyes and you can see the truth.

Don't waste your life with by staying with him.

Best wishes to you.

Lottie 'took advantage to an extent' is harsh and unfair. Men can make choices too, even when they're 25! The DP does not need to have something wrong with him to have wanted to marry her! Of course it sounds like it happened too quickly but that's not a cause for blame.

Cloudsandtrees: Romance, 'in love', compatibility - surely all of that ebbs and flows over the course of a lifetime. I do think families need stability and that comes at cost sometimes. A matter of personal choice.

Having said that OP, you do sound like you're hurting and you don't sound like you accept DP on a deep level, or counted the cost of settling with someone. It sounds like this is about more than the old movies.

Does your DP know you will happily admit to having settled? Regardless of how selfish and spoilt he is, it seems like a harsh sentence for a guy who hasn't hit 30 yet. He could be spending his twenties growing, as you did. As much as he is leaning on you, I think he's taking a hit in not having the chance to learn how to stand on his own two feet.

How will both of you feel in thirty years? Is your DP teachable and committed to growth? Regarding the having a child thing, I wouldn't be too worried about that. My DP couldn't conceptualise having a child and loving it beforehand (interestingly he also idolised his parents) but then fell hopelessly in love when confronted with the reality.

Oh, I don't know. It really sounds as though he needs to grow up and that having a child together would be a very difficult way of achieveing that, for you.

So, you can put some effort into getting him to change, before considering a child together (set some criteria and a time limit), accepting this may not work and you'll have less time to find someone more suitable, or cut your losses now and find someone better.

You really need to think through what the implications of having a child with him would be, otherwise I fear you'd be back here in a few years, asking how to cope with him undermining your parenting and shutting you out of 'his' family, and/or showing no interest in being a father.

Sorry not to have anything more positive to say. It doesn't sounds as if you have much time to get out and make friends doing anything new but I do think that's what you need to get a bt of perspective and support.

Listen to these wise people, Lou. I don't think he can make you happy , I'm sorry. :(

Watching them today, I didn't recognise myself. I was confident and happy, so different from the fat, unhappy, slave to doing everything in the fucking house and everything for a moron (and I mean everything, he even gets breakfast in bed and doesn't lift a finger. My life is easier if he's happy and not sulking because he's had to do the hovering so I just suck it up now and do everything for a quiet life).

Living like this is no good for your DS. You say DH is a great step-dad, but no half-decent step-dad would treat the mother of his step-child like this. You're clearly unhappy and DS will most definitely pick up on that. He's observing a dysfunctional, unhappy relationship every day.

I realise you want another child very much, but being tied to a moron will be a disaster for you and your children. You are young enough to get out and live your life away from this dead-beat bloke.

I am not running off from the thread - I have to leave for my night shift now, but will think everything over. Thank you.