To think he should be allowed

[Chewmebush]

Morning everybody am asking for some advice regarding my 11 year old son who has an ASD. Recently moved house and where we now live we have a row of 6 houses. We all share a communal access drive which is owned an maintained by all 6 houses and then off this are our parking spaces in front of our homes.
Now my son has come a long way in the past few years and is learning strategies on how to manage in the real world. He will never be perfect but we are trying to equip him as best we can.

Our homes are part of an estate and quite often other children come along to bike or ride scooters along this communal drive. This is great as I was hoping to move somewhere with a friendly community feel.

Unfortunately there is one child from another part of the estate who loves to wind my DS up. Now I do try to keep an eye out of the window to make sure my DS doesn't meltdown and lash out. If I hear my DS say anything unkind I do pull him up on it and if I see him beginning to get frustrated I ask him to come in.

Over the weekend there was an incident where my DS said to this child, go home this is private property. Now I've been made aware that the child's mum has spoken to my next door neighbours asking permission for this child to play along this communal driveway.

I hate confrontation but I don't really know what to do. Any advise would be great thanks x

There's nothing you can do really. If the child is the guest of another family on the row then he can play there. It sounds not at all unusual...your DS having a few clashes is part and parcel of all children not only those with SN. Naturally, you will feel protective and I see that you might have to keep more of an eye on the situation than other parents might do...but try to let things move on and just tell DS if he can, to avoid the other boy or if possible to walk away from clashes...I know that's hard with ASD but he sounds like he's doing really well so far OP.

Thanks for your response I appreciate it. Just to clarify the other boy isn't a guest of our neighbours as they are middle aged without any children.

Oh well then he's the guest of the middle aged couple....nothing you can do about it at all I shouldn't think. You can't lay rules about children coming when someone else who is resident has allowed it.

It could lead to all kinds of clashes...

We have a similar situation where we live in as much as we own a strip of grass that is used by local children (due to it's location). For the sake of good neighbourliness we don't complain unless they are misbehaving. I've explained to my DC that although it's "our" bit of grass we are happy for others to use it as long as they don't abuse the privilege.

I think in your case, having so far accepted that your communal drive is actually widely regarded as public property, you have to continue to do this unless you have good reason not to. Even if you could ban the troublesome child, he could always stand at the end of the drive and continue to wind your DS up. If you wanted to take it further, I'd personally be speaking to the child's parents about how he speaks to your DS, not the fact he's on your drive.

I think that if he is a guest of one of your neighbours then you can't do much, except maybe explain your son's situation and ask them to control the child's behaviour. He might be their guest, but your son lives there and has a right to not be hassled on his own turf.

If the child is just playing on the communal drive, without being a guest of the neighbours, then too right you can tell him to leave if he is not behaving kindly, so long as you ensure that your own child is picked up on bad behaviour too, which it sounds like you are doing anyway.

I think that kids should be able to play where they live and not be hassled by people who don't even live there.

I'd back your DS up - he's right. It is private property and if he can't behave he isn't welcome to use it. End of.

Neo - thanks for your advice I appreciate it. It's so isolating having a child with an ASD and sometimes perspectives can be blurred. I really thought it was a good decision to move to this area. I try to make sure that my children respect other people's boundaries and privacy and don't trespass on other people's property. I don't let them play out until ten in a morning and I don't play loud music. It's so frustrating but thank you x

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I'm not quite sure on the guest of our neighbours. As they aren't looking after him and he's not going in their house or anything like that. If the mum had an issue and it looks like she does for her to call on our neighbours whilst we were our I wish she had come to me and we could have discussed it - like you know adults?

Would your neighbours be up for talking about it?

If I was your neighbour then the last thing I'd want would be a child coming to wind up a child with residential rights there.

Are the neighbours particularly friendly with the other family? Because if not, it sounds rather suspicious to me.

Dewe- we have been on pretty good terms with our neighbours. We take mail in for them. Make small talk etc. The neighbours don't seem to be particularly friendly with the other family either. It's just so upsetting that people are unfriendly. I mean I don't want to live in each others pockets as I like my privacy as much as anyone.

In that case I would talk to the neighbours, say that he is causing problems, and surely if he's their guest it means that they are responsible for his actions. (only put it in a tactful way, not feeling tactful at present).

The fact the other family have approached them suggest that they know he's being nasty and are happy for him to continue that. If they'd just had a problem with your ds telling him to leave then surely they'd have come to you?

DeWe thanks for your advice I really appreciate it. I can just see how it goes when you try to communicate with people if they feel under attack then all hell breaks loose. I'm wary of approaching our neighbours as I don't want to get on their bad side. They like a drink after work, a lot. I mean they are entitled to it but people can be nasty when they drink can't they? X

Chewme, he is a guest of your neighbours if his mum asked asked them specifically if he can play there; they have agreed to him being there whether they have kids themselves or not.

Sorry, x-post by quite some way....

Peterparker- yes I totally get that.
But why go about it in such a passive aggressive way? It's a shame that we have all been on the estate such a short time and we try to be understanding and tolerable and it gets you nowhere x

Tricky. If it was just this child using the path it would be easier.

I think I would speak to the neighbours first because it's unlikely they have been given the full story. Hopefully the neighbours will be happy to support you once you've explained the bullying that's been going on.

You can then go and speak to the neighbour. In the first instance I would ask them to have a word with their son to try and control his behaviour. If they don't cooperate then you would have the neighbours support to withdraw the 'invite' to use the area up your sleeve.

Is there a chance of discussing the issue with his parents? and explaining that your DS has an ASD and that their son's behaviour is upsetting your son.

I know if I were the parent of the other child I would want to ensure that my child wasn't showing me up and wasn't upsetting your son - and if he continued I would stop him from playing there. Although sometimes people aren't terribly reasonable, but fundamentally your son should have more of a right to play there.

And as others have said, maybe explain the situation with your neighbours - I doubt they will want a child to be using their property to upset your son x

Binkybix - as this other child is younger and a lot smaller than my DS and my DS looks 'normal' I just cannot see this going well. My experience is that people are not accommodating or understanding. We are getting our house appraised on Thursday as I just don't feel mentally able to do this. I have always had to fight for my son. For his statement, for a school etc. it's such a shame x

Tallulah-considering how the boys parents have gone about things u can't imagine their response being very positive IYSWIM?

I really feel for you. But people may (sometimes) pleasantly surprise you and if you explain calmly they could respond more positively than you expect. If they don't respond well, then at least you have explored that option.

Binky - thanks. The thing is I popped round the other day. Explained we had the garden broken into and a bike pinched. I was very pleasant and said I just wanted them to be aware that it had happened and to be vigilant. I've been nothing but pleasant towards them.

I can totally see what you mean, as some people are just massive pains in the arse but I would still give it a go - explain the situation in full, and then if they continue to be unreasonable I would then explain to your neighbours that you have tried to talk to the other parents but they aren't doing anything about it and he is upsetting your son - if I were them I would quickly retract my welcoming to him to play on the property and then you can use that to prevent him playing there.

My parents have totally unreasonable neighbours and I know how stressful it can be - especially when your child is being upset x

I reckon he can be perfect in his own way :)
This other mum seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill, your son is 11! If it was me I would either ignore it or I would take a cake round as a peace offering and just have a chat to her about the asd and mention about the 2 don't seem to be getting on too well.

Buddha - thank you. To me, he is perfect.