To ask if you've ever seen anyone being taken advantage of and if you did anything about it?

[KenAdams]

I have a family member that is being taken advantage of and the rest of us are unsure how to help her.

FM has been with partner for a few years. Partner left his ex for her. Shortly after they got together, he got the sack (totally his fault) and hasn't worked for a couple of years. He does nothing around the house and doesn't look for work. She works all hours and them cooks, cleans etc on top of that.

She has fallen out with other family members because of him and now hardly sees her family.

She doesn't go anywhere without him and even brings him along to girls days or whatever (we'll sometimes go shopping or for a coffee, jus the ladies) even when we expressly ask her not to bring him.

Is there anything anyone can think of that we can do about this? Or do we just stand by and watch? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? It's heartbreaking to watch her being put through this

Sometimes you just have to be there to pick up the pieces, it's difficult if you push too hard when she sees the light she will feel she has no one to turn to.

I know. We don't want to give her ultimatums or anything because that might just push her further away.

just be there for her you really cant make her do anything It sounds heartbreaking he sounds horrible,

He is. It's just not knowing how far it will get before she sees sense.

Let her know the door is open if she leaves him. People have to make their own mistakes. I would be tempted to say, "oh, why are you here?" when he turned up uninvited.

It sounds extremely difficult and upsetting to watch OP, I was very recently in a similar situation myself (I was the person being taken advantage of) and despite my DB and DH's best attempts to get me to see sense it took 24 years of abuse and threats of police involvement for me to really say enough is enough.
Unfortunately ... it may be a while before your friend sees the damage that he is doing to her, nothing and no one could make me cut off the damaging person in my life :s
As a previous poster said, all you can do is pick up the pieces.

It's just not knowing how far it will get before she sees sense.

some people never see sense

I would be tempted to say, "oh, why are you here?"

so would I I have a friend who takes her husband everywhere , out other friend was having a womens only birthday weekend (friend is single) and he turned up, I joked did he want a wig and a bit of lipstick to fit in, I have no clue why he was there it was really awkward

our other*

Taken advantage of or in an abusive relationship?

Not seeing her family and him attending 'girls' events would be major red flags for me -he may be worried about what she will say if he isn't keeping an eye on her

All you can do is keep being there for her

I lost my friends, 1 by 1 due to an emotionally abusive relationship and it just gave him more ammunition to say no one cared about me other than him and ultimately made it harder to leave

I think it may be worth going out of your way to be welcoming to him and do more together with them as a couple. This type of behaviour is a sign of an abusive relationship but by being more welcoming it makes it harder for him to get the fm away from the rest of you beyond that all you can do is be there.

Dragging him along, even when expressly asked not to, is not a good sign.

I think you could have said to both of them, we said this is a "girls outing" and watched both their reactions.

I think when you disapprove of someone's partner for significant reasons, I think it is good to say it ONCE and pretty much once only, unless asked. Make it clear, make it good, and don't beat about the bush. After that, its not worth mentioning it again - after all its her life, its her choice. However, you have said what you needed to and she may well reflect on them.

Apart from that I don't think you can do much. There isn't much point in maintaining hostility and criticism IMO. I think you can "be there" for someone, but inevitably if someone chooses an unpleasant partner, your own relationship with them will change. I think "be there for them" but "keep a happy distance" would be my choice.