to get rid of all of DD's toys over her 'play strike'?

[iProcrastinate]

Am at my wits end!

DD is 4, and since she will be starting school soon I've been encouraging her for a few months to tidy up her toys etc after playing.

Up until a few weeks back I've been tidying with her, but she would play the guilt card with dramatics and "I'm too tired!" etc, or do what could be best described as slow-motion tidying....... I'd still end up doing 90% of it once she was in bed.

Lately she has been asking me if she can get certain things out - I always reply "you can get out/play with whatever you like, as long as you put it away when you have finished". Her response is nearly always "Ok I won't then". She isn't a naughty child generally, but she is incredibly stubborn, and if she has set her mind against something you've more chance getting water to flow uphill.

For the last four days she has sat quietly on the floor infront of the sofa (not including things like preschool/groups etc) not doing anything (no tv on), no toys out. I suggest things to her - no she doesn't want to put it away after. So I'm trying not to rise to it, her choice to sit there just because she doesn't want to put things away!

I mentioned it to her dad, he says I should be tidying up after her, she shouldn't have to at her age. He doesn't live with us so he wouldn't need to be involved in the tidying process!

I'm not asking her to alphabetise her Lego bricks or anything, just put toys back into their big dump-drawers on her unit!

AIBU to start clearing out her many toys, if they are going to sit there un-played-with?

Let her make her own choice. She's old enough to know about cleaning up after yourself and doing it.

Her dads being daft.

I'd say just ignore.

And yes she should be helping tidy up. She isn't too young, I'd say it was really unfair to launch the concept of tidying up on someone as they reach a certain age. Much kinder to introduce the idea that all activities have an endpoint ant that is to tidy them away at the finish.

Then it is her choice on how much mess to make. Currently she is choosing no mess. She will get bored if it doesn't get any attention I think.

YABU to insist she clears up her own toys (or at least helps you to do so in a meaningful way) but I think YWBU to get rid of any toys. There is no need. Just sit it out. She'll get bored eventually and play with something, then absolutely insist she puts it away.

she can put away toys if she is going to school soon she wont have a teacher running after her bum to tidy stuff away , if she doesnt want to play with toys because she is too lazy stubborn then leave her to be bored she will get the message soon enough, and meh to her dad what does he know really he isn't doing the tidying

Sorry YANBU to make her clear up! Stupid typing!

I have to admit I'd be tempted to move them somewhere so she thinks they have gone. Maybe a draw every few days and see what she says/does. They tidy up at nursery at 4 so why shouldn't they at home. You're not asking her to do her own washing and scrub the bathroom, just pick up a few toys.

Maybe taking a few and storing them away would be a good idea, it might seem less overwhelming for her to tidy them up when she is done if there are fewer toys around, then you can rotate them every couple of weeks when she gets bored.

My 4yo DD does the same!

Thanks everyone - I have visions of her still sitting there at 15 twiddling her thumbs - she is so stubborn lol!

I've asked at preschool about whether she helps out at tidy up time, and they say she will put a few things away if challenged on it but when she thinks no one is watching she'll mill about in the background while everyone else tidies. Or she'll play the toilet card, and vanish for a 10minute wee............

She won't keep it up for long. Don't clear out her toys. Tidying up is boring but we all need to learn to take responsibility for our stuff. If it were me I would have a reward after tidy up time and make it part of your routine. So we tidy up and if you help lots we will put tv on, do xy or z together.

DS3 who is 6 hates tidying but loves playmobil. I get the hoover out and tell him any bits left on the floor WILL get sucked up the hoover. I only had to suck up a few of his pirate playmobil swords for him to see I meant it. Ofcourse I later rescued them from the dust thingy and put them back without him knowing.

My mum believed in tidiness, I didn't and still don't. It was far easier not to get anything out than put it away.

I longed to be allowed to be messy, I massively resented not being allowed to leave the lego out over night.

Tidiness is a useful skill, but too much is stifling.

And naturally untidy people would rather do nothing than be nagged to tidy. You won't win, you'll make your DD unhappy, you'll make her hate you, but you will not win.

Years of fighting DD2 over food have taught me that.

I don't think YABU at all. My 4 year old DD has to clear her toys after she plays with them but we do it together. Then I make a game of it.

If she refused, then no toys.Simple. I won't compromise on it as my house is tiny and there is no room to leave them scattered out and about.

I agree with Startail. You are taking an extreme position on this with a 4 yr old - having a battle of wills over something that isn't so crucial. I would always say "we will tidy up together" and make sure that she does most of it whilst you help her (rather than she helping you).

I think it's better to show children that you can do chores together rather than always insisting that they do them on their own - certainly at 4 yrs old anyway. Similarly, with a teen who is happy/miserable in a messy bedroom, I would always suggest that an offer to help the teen with the worst bits will prompt them to feel that the job is manageable.

I have to say I'm one of those people who thinks that tidying away is overvalued - and prevents the development of imaginative play over a longer timescale. So if DD had set up an elaborate train track, and DD had started a Plymobil scene, they got left out. And as a result, the next day the two scenes would often be integrated, with lots of extra play value through Playmobil dragons appearing in the brick castle that was the destination for the train track through the Lego village.

OK, once something had definitely been 'played out', or if it was something like a board game that is clearly 'finished', that does need to be tidied up. But why should the dolls go away because the cars have come out? Why do either of them have to go away before the Lego is ransacked to make houses for the dolls and garages for the cars?

I suspect some of you would have REALLY hated my house when my children were younger!

I like the idea of being really specific. Tidying up a whole big mess is daunting, you don't know where to start. Try asking her to find all her bricks for example or all her cars or whatever.
I teach 4 yr olds and if you say "tidy up" they mill about or find an excuse to leave the room. If you give them a toy and say "can you find where this goes" they often do it.

I think a bit of moderation wouldn't go amiss. Like Startail, I am a naturally messy person. I feel better with a bit of chaos around and can't relax in immaculate houses. I will never forget going to a friend's house when I was wee and being just thunderstruck at the fact that she had to ask to get X or Y toy out and put it away before she was allowed something else that was by far the weirdest thing I'd ever come across.

Generally with my DC I let them do as they please until the end of the day (I do think this kind of free play is important and nourishes the mind!), at which point the worst of the mess gets put away - we all do this together, and I don't mind doing the bulk of it as long as they do some.

Things like Lego models and carefully lined-up cars can be left out if they're not smack bang in the middle of the floor.

Your DD sounds wonderfully stubborn though I can identify with her

I think it would be crazy to get rid of her toys, and makes it look like you are on opposing sides, when actually you need to be playing on the same side as you train her up to play the game, to continue the metaphor. So you could make it a joint effort to tidy together as you help her learn how to do it. By that I don't mean the mechanics of how to tidy but how to just get on with it.