To kidnap some crockery from my kitchen (long and gross, sorry)?

[lemonandice]

I currently have custody of 2 plates, a bowl, a mug, a glass and knife, fork and spoon set, plucked clean from the cesspit that is my kitchen. I flatshare with someone who I used to be very close with. However, she has since got a new partner and now spends 95% of her time with him.

My main issue is that, as well as losing a really good friend, I've also taken on full responsibility for keeping this house habitable. In the shared areas, there is stuff everywhere- laundry, books, food, packaging etc. Dirty dishes take up the whole sink, and when they are done, they're often not properly clean.

I've tried being direct, I've tried setting ground rules, I've tried being passive agressive by dumping laundry etc in her room- I've tried it all! But nothing can make it stay clean. It's at the point now that rather than take the bin out and put a new liner in, carrier bags of rubbish just get dumped next to the bin, or rubbish/food waste just gets put on the (carpeted) floor. The bathroom is constantly grubby, or put less delicately, covered in bf's pubes.

I think this whole thing is compounded so much by the fact that we were such great friends, and now not only does she not see me/eat with me/seem to care, except when the bf is working nights, but she doesn't even respect me enough to leave me a teaspoon to make a cuppa with! Atm, the sink is full of bits of bacon- I can't stand meat, but I'm going to have to dig it out of the drain before it starts rotting. I also find my stuff disappearing- I was away for a week and my sugar for baking has nearly gone, my herbs used up etc. Don't even get me started on toilet roll (who uses napkins instead of buying more??).

So basically I've gotten to the point that I've had to take stuff just to ensure that I have something to eat with at mealtimes. AIBU to do this, and AIBU in wanting to enforce a level of cleanliness even though she doesn't seem to want it? Honestly, sometimes it makes me just want to cry.

Can anyone please, please suggest anything I can do to make this more bearable, or to get through to her? I swear, I'm not a neat or clean freak, I just don't want to live in a slum. Currently, we're both tied in to the lease for another 12 months. I don't know if I'm going to make it without contracting something.

Should add, I've recently been really ill, and while it took her ages to see me for long enough to tell her, there's been no change.

YANBU!
I don't have any advice but just wanted to sympathise as I've had experience of flat shares going wrong and it is actually very stressful as I'm sure you know.

I hope she gets her act together soon, she's being very rude and disrespectful and why on earth do her and her boyfriend want to be amid the mess anyway?

I really hope that this can be resolved before your friendship is completely ruined ( in my experience the fastest way to lose a friend is to live with them )

That is vile.

If he is staying that often, he should be contributing to household bills esp utilities. Sitting her down stony-faced to point out how much of the house they are taking over, and requesting/demanding an associated increased contribution (a cleaner?) would emphasise the effect on your life and if she is remotely nice she will be mortified.

In the meantime keep everything locked in your room - perhaps look into getting a fridge on Freecycle if necessary.

Another year, horrendous.

Does the lease permit her boyfriend to move in?

I would probably request the landlord let me out of it on those grounds.

I am assuming that he is there rather than her being away with him, obviously.

Failing that, I'd see about a fridge in my room, lock on my door and just ride it out.

I suppose she wouldn't go halves on a cleaner?

Could you dump the dirty crockery, the rotting bacon bits from the sink, the overflowing rubbish and the bf pubes in her bed? Dirty laundry can just be shifted onto the floor, so is relatively easy for her to deal with, but actually making her bed and bedroom manky and smelly, as she is doing to the whole flat, might get the message across.

Speak to your landlord and see if you can get someone else to take over your lease. You need to move out.

Is she staying away with him or are they both staying with you.

I used to have a flatmate who couldn;t tidy up, but I did it - not for her, but for me...!

If I was you I'd tidy it all so that you can live with it, but make sure she knows it has to stay that way.

She's not being a very good friend to you making you live this way.

Sit her down when her boyfriend isn't there and say that the way she is acting is not on.

Make sure you don't say it in a lighthearted/banter kind of way, she is being manky and needs to know it

Talk to the landlord. Unhappy and messy tenants are not in his / her interest. With luck, they might release you from the contract. Otherwise she's going to wreck the place. You have to leave.

Or even kick her out...

He's here (at mine) probably about 80% of the time- at least 5 nights a week. And I'd love to live alone/get rid, but I can't afford the rent by myself. Our landlord hasn't been particularly bothered any other time, as long as he gets paid he's happy- are there any legal ramifications if someone stops at ours more than X amount of time or something?

And thanks for making me smile about this!

If he is staying over five nights, having five showers, etc, then he is more of a housemate than a mere visitor. Seriously, resplit the bills.

I suspect he is the one eating your food because he cooks for her but doesn't know what belongs to her and what doesn't. Keep a list of what disappears and request replacements. Either she will do so, or take better steps to stop him.