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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in-laws at Christmas (that time of year again)

21 replies

ofcoursethisisanamechange · 10/06/2013 13:38

brief background-in-laws not that nice to DH- he is a 'disappointment' to them. He can forgive them/overlook that , I can't . Anyway both sets of inlaws live abroad, mine older and can't stand the cold at Christmas so they aren't coming for Christmas. We had DH's parents last year, and since mine can't come- he wants to have his again. So- now am I meant to have them for a week at Christmas every year? They don't help and aren't nice people. I think I may be being unreasonable/selfish to not want them to come. His sister will come too...

OP posts:

MaxPepsi · 10/06/2013 13:41

Can you not go to your parents instead?

Or just let them come and leave your DH to look after them this year, then he will realise that perhaps it's not such a good idea after all.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/06/2013 13:41

yanbu. gettingthat across to dh though may be easier said thaan done.

Original poster

ofcoursethisisanamechange · 10/06/2013 13:47

MaxPepsi- can't afford to go to mine- flights at christmastime way to0 expensive and he actually does do the looking after and all cooking etc. He thinks I am being anti-family/anti-social - reality is I am just being anti-his-family! If they could come for one day- maybe- but a week just kills my Christmas.

OP posts:

FryOneFatManic · 10/06/2013 13:55

He had his parents there last year, so in my book that means you get your choice this year. He can't just expect you to host his parents every year without you getting some say in what goes on.

Original poster

ofcoursethisisanamechange · 10/06/2013 14:05

that is exactly what I was thinking Fye! otherwise I am doomed to year after year of his parents! I also think there is some psychological 'look at my great family christmas' issue - he doesn't enjoy his parents company but wants to show them he is not a failure- whereas I just say stuff them

OP posts:

Trills · 10/06/2013 14:09

You realise that you don't have to "have family" at Christmas at all?

You could not have them to stay and not have anyone else to stay and not go to visit anyone, if that's what you wanted.

Original poster

ofcoursethisisanamechange · 10/06/2013 14:15

I definitely get that Trills- DH is just suddenly (since we moved house) into having family here at Christmas- well by family I mean his!

OP posts:

HibiscusIsland · 10/06/2013 14:18

Last year he had his family to stay, this year you get to choose and you would like a quiet xmas with just your immediate family. Next year he gets to choose again (but they come for a shorter time next time as 1 week was too long.)

EldritchCleavage · 10/06/2013 14:22

Your choice this year, so choose not to have anyone. It's not compulsory to have parents for Christmas, after all.

ArtexMonkey · 10/06/2013 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaxPepsi · 10/06/2013 14:33

Have you any other family or very close friends who could come and visit you in lieu of your parents?

Or could you visit elsewhere within your budget?

I have to see my in laws, who I happen to love dearly, on Boxing Day each year, as that is what they have always done.

I'd love to host a boxing day 'buffet' so I can get to see all my family and friends over xmas and use up all the leftovers and extend the excitement for the kids. Not every year but alternate years maybe or every 3 years or so.

But because we've always done what his family does it's now going to be very difficult to change it. So if you are not careful you will get stuck in the but that's what we always do at xmas tradition.

Having said that, this year due to DH's shifts I think I'm going to get my wish

BackforGood · 10/06/2013 14:36

I think it would be a good plan to suggest something positive you would like to do, rather than just saying "I don't want them to come here" - so, like MaxPepsi says, can you arrange to either visit other family or friend,s or have them come to you ? Or arrange lots of things you need to be at that week so you can suggest "it would be better if you come in Feb/March" or something so it's not the whole of Christmas week taken over ?

laughinggravy · 10/06/2013 14:57

If you have them again this year you will have created a tradition which will be harder to break.

A week is far too long for most visitors to stay at any time of year. Much worse over Christmas when you might be stuck in because of lousy weather.

You could compromise and maybe offer to have them stay for a couple of days in between Christmas and New Year. Or, as others have said, tell your DH it's your choice this year.

Good luck.

BrokenBanana · 10/06/2013 15:03

How about having them come over Boxing Day instead? Could see in the new year with them. I'd also make it clear that although ou are happy to have them over this year you would either like next year to be the 2 of you or at your parents house instead.

TVTonight · 10/06/2013 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roomfor1more · 10/06/2013 15:17

Put your foot down and say no! It'll snowball and before you know it it'll be 10 years down the road and you'll be stuck with them!! I'd rather eat from the cat litter tray than endure my out laws at any time of the year let alone christmas. Thankfully MIL shot herself in the foot with dh and he now sees what she's really like, an evil old bint. FIL has moved out and is getting on with his own life, thank god!

Since we had our kids we stay home and do christmas our way ie not get dressed, eat turkey sambos on christmas night watching James Bond, I really couldn't be arsed having to tolerate anyone only ourselves that day.

Your dh must be very forgiving seeing his family are so mean to him but he still wants them in his life. He's a better person than me. Hope you sort it for your own sakes.

axure · 10/06/2013 15:19

Agree with other posters that having them again this year sets a precedent / tradition. I totally sympathise with OP, it's not nice when Xmas stress starts in June! Went through this myself for years, finally said no more, it's hell having house guests for a week, you end up frazzled and very resentful come New Year. Tell DH you want a nice quiet Xmas this year, you'll be free to have a few days out or visit friends, rather than running your house like a hotel.

mummymeister · 10/06/2013 15:38

No no no no don't have them. it will become a tradition and they and his sister will always just assume that they do Christmas with you. arrange to see them over the holiday period but don't have them to stay this year. if you do then in June 2014 you will be posting the same post only worse.

Original poster

ofcoursethisisanamechange · 10/06/2013 15:44

ugh- is just so rotten- we always argue about family visits. We both get very defensive. I hate that we have the same argument every time. And agree with you Room- I am not as forgiving as him- hence my resentment and I resent them even more that they are such a source of stress for us!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2013 15:55

Your DH needs to further examine his reasons as to why he still wants to entertain such awful people after last year who are "disappointed" in him. They are his parents yes, but toxic, cold and critical ones. Despite this he still seeks their tacit approval, approval that they will never give freely. He seems completely unable to assert himself here (they've done that to him) so its not so much that he can forgive him/overlook that. I think he just wants a quiet life and will run the risk of upsetting you than them (he'd rather upset you more than his parents because he is not as afraid of you).

DO not have these people at Christmas under any circumstances, make your own family traditions instead.

ENormaSnob · 10/06/2013 16:21

Yanbu at all

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