to think my mum needs to back off?

[Holly94]

I'm 6 weeks pregnant so still very early days. The baby was unplanned and we're both young - I'm 18, DP is 21 - so me and DP are sorting out moving in together.
We've decided to find a place to live close to DP's work to minimise the petrol costs as money is going to be quite tight. This incidentally happens to be closer to his parents than mine, and will also mean I have the baby at Leeds instead of York - York being where I currently live.
My mum is driving me crazy. She keeps asking why don't we want to live with her and she'll make the spare bedroom into a nursery. I've explained that her house is 35 miles from DP's work and is also in the middle of nowhere, and I can't drive. A 70 mile round trip daily when we could be living 10 miles away just seems ridiculous in my opinion.
She also wants me to have it at York because she says it'll be easier for my family to come visit the baby.
Now she's acting like it's a competition between her and DP's parents. She keeps saying, 'oh I'm going to be the first one at the hospital, please will you make sure I'm the first grandparent to hold the baby?'
She's actually told me she feels like it's more 'her' grandchild than DP's parents as her daughter is the one carrying the baby. WTF?
She's also told me that if we live in Leeds she's never going to get to see the baby, so we should live closer to her.
AIBU to think she needs to back off a little bit and let us make our own choices about where we live, and stop being competitive with DP's parents?

YANBU
I think your mum is worried she is loosing her relationship with you and is acting out of fear. I would suggest that you make her as involved as you are happy with in the move and the baby. Take her with you to buy things for your house, ask her opinion on things, take her to look at baby things.
Also make time for her to visit you as often as you are happy with. Make her see she is not loosing you, and that Leeds isn't that far away. It is what, about 40 minutes by car?
She is wrong that she is more of a Gran than your partners parents, and that is unreasonable of her, and you are correct to inform her as such.
She is also wrong that she will never see you, but as I said above if you involve her in visiting a lot she will realise for herself that she was wrong.
Good Luck!

Thank you Littleprincess. It is only about 40 minutes by car so it's not like I'm moving to the other end of the country!

She is involved with looking at baby things. Last night we showed her the pram we're going to get, and asked her what she thought. She's said she will help us with money for buying baby things which I am really appreciative of as I know we'd struggle otherwise.
I suppose that's why I'm a little bit worried to confront her about her being unreasonable as she's helping us out financially and I don't want her to think I'm ungrateful.

I should also say that proximity is not necessarily anything to do with regularity of visits: my parents and MiL both live over 200 miles away but we have seen them far more regularly than FiL who lives only 25 miles away.

My DM was quite similar when I fell pregnant. I put it down to her feeling like she may 'lose' her baby (me) to another family. We all get insecure at times, our mothers included!

Just keep including her and repeating your reasons for moving and she will relax eventually.

I think LittlePrincess nailed it on the head.

She's scared she's losing you. And she's now acting out of character.

There are very regular trains between York & Leeds, she won't miss out on anything. And depending on where abouts you choose to live in Leeds and where his parents live in Leeds she'll stand just as much chance as spending less time travelling than them.

Just tell her.

Tell her the reasons why. Reassure her that nothing will change and she is very important to you and will be to your baby also.
Tell her that you are not having a competition. I had the same problem and spent my full pregnancy worrying about it and you know what, it's fine. Dd is 9 months old and has an excellent but different relationship with all her grandparents!

Finally - congratulations. It's hard work being a mum and god knows I've never been this skint but its fantastic!

Dannilion, I think she is quite scared of losing me. She keeps saying how this isn't the life she'd have chosen for me and she wishes I'd waited but that as long as I'm happy she's happy as long as she can be included.

Sorry to drip feed but she's also asked repeatedly if she can be in the delivery room. I've told her no and that we're months and months away from that part yet, but I wonder if she still sees me as a child she has to 'look after'.

Signet, I can't wait! I know money is going to be difficult for a while but I'm so excited, I'm not even worrying about the money side of things!

She sounds really excited, overexcited! My Mum is very similar (I'm carrying much longed for grandchild number one and have had the audacity to move overseas!!!) but I just humour her. MIL has just retired prompting major panic in my own mother that mil will be here every day as she clearly has nothing better to do in her new retirement and she will never see the baby!

She is wrong to think she will be more of a grandparent than your dps parents, but it seems like she is reacting against you moving closer to them and trying to overcompensate for distance. I know it seems hard, but try and make her feel really involved, tell her things first and tell her she's the first to know, she will feel so special and it seems it matters more to her being first to hold the baby than it would matter to anyone else not to be first, so why not let her?

I think she is just terrified of her own baby growing up and leaving her, combined with first(?) grandchild excitement, it must be a challenging time for her too,

Aww congratulations!

I think it is all a big change for your mum as well. She now has to come to turns with her daughter having a baby and moving away at the same time.

She will be fine once she gets used to it all. It seems she is worried that the baby will have a closer relationship with the other grandparents as they are nearer but to be fair that is not always so.

My mil lives a 5 min drive from our door. Fil lives 20 mins drive away. My mum lives 30-40 mins drive away.

We actually see more of my mum (she comes to visit every couple of weeks at least), she phones regular to talk to me but also to the children. She is very much a hands on nanny,

My MIL never rings and probably sees the children every 3-4 weeks.

Fil can go a couple of months before he sees the children. Never phones.

With both MIL and fil as well we mostly have to take the children to them as very rarely will they come to us.

Your mum will be fine

Umlauf, I never thought of the baby-holding situation in that way. Obviously as soon as I've had the baby everyone will find out and both families will be more than welcome to come visit the hospital and have cuddles with baby.

Everyone will be treated the same, I don't want anyone to think I'm favouring my own family over DP's or vice versa as we all get on extremely well as a big extended family and I love that we can all go out for meals together, etc.

Congratulations!

She probably thought she was being helpful suggesting that you move in with her, and really 35miles to work isn't that much, so not a totally crazy idea.

Great that she's so excited though & I hope all goes well for you.

It's also possible that she does still see you as a child.

I'm the youngest, not very tall & have always been somewhat babied compared to my older, taller sister!

TBF to your Mum, I have a DD who is not much younger than you and if she found herself pregnant and was planning to move in with her DP my instinct would be to want her as close to home as possible so I could help out / keep an eye on her / stay in close contact.

She is just worried about you and wants to help!

hi there and congrats!

i do agree with other posters that it might be shes scared of losing you. but i'll also go against the grain here and warn you not to get into a cycle of trying to please her because of it. i've fallen into that trap and its exhausting.

i had to tell my mom that i just couldnt deal with her feelings on top of managing my own - that i was an adult and i was making my choices for the good of my relationship and child. not in a nasty way but firm enough. she didnt like it but it has helped in the long run.

Thanks diddl! The only problem I had with the 35 mile trip to work was that we could be living somewhere much closer therefore saving money on petrol, and also as my mum really does live in the middle of nowhere, when everyone has gone out to work I'd be limited to the house - apart from maybe a pram walk - as I don't drive. :(
I did appreciate the gesture though, hope I haven't come across as ungrateful!

Congratulations, Holly.

I don't know if it helps, but I had a very similar experience with MIL while expecting my first child. She drove me utterly crazy.

However, over time, it has all settled down again. It's a big unknown for them, particularly with the first grandchild, and there's a lot of worry and stress underpinning the excitement, and that can, in some cases, make people go a bit potty. MIL regularly used to say that my children were more hers than Mums because mum had other grandchildren. I think she thought that the amount of love she had must be divided six ways by my mother or something. When my second child was born, I think she recognised that it doesn't work that way.

My MIL asked to be in the delivery room too, and was quite put out when I said no. In the end, I said, 'it's my vagina - I get to say who looks at it.' and that shut her up. At that point, in her enthusiasm, she had entirely forgotten that there was another person involved as well as the new tiny baby of excitement.

We've learned to work with each other instead of against each other in the past 8 years, and all is pretty damned good (certianly in comparison to other people's relationships with parents/in laws) now.

OP you come across very sensible and as though you have really thought about what will work best for you and your DP. Stick to the decisions you have made. Your DM is being protective and worrying that you will need her on hand. She will still see you as her little girl, I think most mums do whether we fall pg at 18 or 38. In time she will see how you are able to cope and how positive t is that your DP is being supportive and that you are working through this together as a couple.

I had DD at 20 and now at 22 have a 12wo DS. My DM took a lot of time to accept and realise that DP and I were capable of parenting together and that we were making the right decisions. Us sticking to our choices and calmly demonstrating that we were doing ok has shown her that she was right to step back and let us take the lead on our own lives. Hopefully your DM will do the same.

It's early days though so just stay calm and consistent whenever you speak to her. Show that you have thought through your choices - eg the petrol costs shows consideration of finances etc. in time she will come round. Best of luck to you and congratulations

Ah yes also delivery - for me it was v important that only DP be there. It brought us together in a way nothing had before and meant that he shared in meeting our daughter as much as I did. He was with me every step of the way, was the second person to hold her (after me) and he was able to let his emotions out because my mum wasn't there to make him uncomfortable r get in the way.

I also found I was very territorial over DD in the first weeks and was a bit weird about boundaries with my mum. I think it was to do with asserting myself as a woman and mother and showing her we were equals in the world now and that she wasn't to step in and mother my baby iykwim? I didn't know I would feel like that but am v glad that she wasn't there as I worry it would have ruined those rt moments.

As a mum who's eldest two have moved out I can echo what every one is saying about your mum worrying about losing that special mother/daughter bond - it won't happen but she will be worried.

I don't have any grandchildren but my sister said to me recently that you think your baby is THE most precious thing until you hold your baby's baby...

You could try letting your mum know you are grown up by telling her that your decisios are based on logic - explain the budgeting to her at a high level. At the same time reassure her that you love and appreciate her as much as ever - hand made card? poem? flowers? big hug?

I am sure once the shock of all the changes settles down a bit your mum will back off enough for you to feel comfortable.

YANBU, she does need to back off. But remember that she's only doing this because she loves you, you're still her baby and she's worried about you being far away.

You just need to reassure her that she's still important as a Grandparent and will still see the baby no matter where you live.

It must be difficult for her because at 18 most parents can still be expecting to have some sort of say in what their offspring are doing and where they are living but circumstances have meant in this case she doesn't. It can be very hard to let go, be firm with her but do it kindly and let her down gentlely by reassuring her that although you're making your own decisions she is still important to you and that you will still need her. Don't have row about it.