Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that no man who has been married just a year should send a text like this to another woman?

42 replies

Spero · 10/06/2013 10:52

I didn't get this text I hasten to add, a friend did, it freaked her out and she asked what I thought. This man had made it clear he was interested in her, she didn't reciprocate interest so he married someone else quite quickly and has been married about a year - she hasn't heard from him in all this time.

This is text
'Hate it!! Don't think I made the right decision at all...! Blame you... U didn't like the cakes I sent you :). How are you?'

She had asked him 'how's married life' and this is his response.

I said immediately I thought it was awful and unpleasant and said horrible things about the man and the marriage. But I am now considering the exclamation marks and wondering if I have been too harsh? Is it in fact more likely to be some clumsy attempt at a joke and is just innocent and friendly??

Is my bitter man hating persona preventing me giving clear cool headed advice to a friend? Would be grateful for other views.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/06/2013 10:53

Why did she instigate contact?

HellonHeels · 10/06/2013 10:54

If she wasn't interested in him and hadn't heard from him since his marriage why did she text him out of the blue?

It's not a very nice text for him to have sent and doesn't sound like much of a joke but there isn't any need for her to engage with him further, is there?

squoosh · 10/06/2013 10:54

Even if it was a joke I doubt his wife would see it that way, but it's not really your friend's problem though is it? All she has to do is ignore.

meditrina · 10/06/2013 10:55

Did she instigate contact, or was there a txt from him before the one she sent?

Original poster
Spero · 10/06/2013 10:56

Sorry, I don't think she did instigate it, he sent text out of blue saying 'how are you' and she replied saying 'how's married life?' as another mutual friend had told her he got married, I think he just stopped contacting her after she made it clear she wasn't interested. He was trying to pressurise her into going on a 'romantic mini break' but said they could sleep in separate rooms and he wouldn't 'try anything' which I thought was weird and unpleasant at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spero · 10/06/2013 10:57

No, she is not going to instigate anything further, but she asked me what I thought and my immediate reaction was very forcefully that this man is an utter creep.

But all the exclamation marks make me doubt myself.... but just a little.

OP posts:
LifeOfPee · 10/06/2013 10:58

I think it sounds like a very mean spirited joke. If his wife were to see it I bet she'd be very upset.

Your friend, by texting that, sounds like she's stirring though. She should have left well enough alone.

SauceForTheGander · 10/06/2013 10:59

There's no doubt. He's flirting.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/06/2013 10:59

Your instinct is right I think, he sounds like an absolute creep.

There is no reason for those two people to be in contact, she should just ignore and not respond to any further messages.

crumblepie · 10/06/2013 10:59

i would of just ignored his txt , replying looks like shes interested in him or his life .

Original poster
Spero · 10/06/2013 11:00

I think that is a little unfair on my friend. she just replied to a text saying 'how are you'. I don't see how she was 'stirring'.

I am not asking for views on whether she should stay in contact with him but rather if my reaction was over the top. I agree it is an unpleasant joke and I would be gutted to read that if I were his wife... but is it legitimate to automatically assume that he is just trying to set my friend up as a bit on the side?

that was my automatic first response.

OP posts:
lurkerspeaks · 10/06/2013 11:01

FGS. He probably shouldn't send it as it is 1) either an unpleasant joke that his wife wouldn't appreciate or 2) he really is desperately unhappy, is being open about it and trying to line up a replacement before he leaves his marriage.

Neither is very honourable behaviour.

Latter is fairly predictable human behaviour though.

I don't understand the cake reference at all.

Original poster
Spero · 10/06/2013 11:03

He kept sending her stuff, I think she said she'd had a bad day at work and he sent her loads of cakes.

It all seemed a bit over the top and put her off.

It just seems so sad that maybe this Harry met Sally hypothesis is true, that men and women just can't be 'friends'.

I just don't want to be wearing 'men are sleezebag' glasses and jump to conclusions unfairly. But I don't think I am from the responses.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 10/06/2013 11:03

I think it's a sarky joke. But I doubt his wife would see it that way. Either way, she knows enough about him to know she doesn't like him, so she shouldn't text him back or instigate any further contact.

squoosh · 10/06/2013 11:05

In your friend's defence I don't think asking how married life is going should be construed as 'stirring'. It's a natural question to ask someone who's recently wed.

FattyMcChubster · 10/06/2013 11:05

I imagine your friend replied with 'how's the marriage' as a kind of 'I know you're married so why are you contacting me' kind of reply.
He sounds like a dick.
Maybe she should just not reply to anymore messages.

Original poster
Spero · 10/06/2013 11:06

Yes! of course she shouldn't communicate with him. That's not the issue.

It is in fact all about ME as I am worried that I am turning into a rabid man hater as my first reaction was to be very forcefully clear that he was utter creep but now I feel a bit mean after considering all the exclamation marks. Maybe he was just trying to be friendly.

I don't want to be unfair to him in particular or men in general. I just don't think I would ever send a text like that to another man if I was happily married.

OP posts:
Mollydoggerson · 10/06/2013 11:10

If it's a joke it's a horrible joke.

She could always text back - Didn't like the cakes and don't like the texts.

Mollydoggerson · 10/06/2013 11:11

Exclamation marks don't excuse the horrible content. I thnk your reaction is right.

Original poster
Spero · 10/06/2013 11:16

Thanks. I had a tiny moment of doubt that I had been too harsh on him, but it is a shitty text to send.

OP posts:
meditrina · 10/06/2013 11:19

I don't think you're being too harsh.

Your friend should either not respond at all, or with something that should indicate a total lack of interest ("I wish you well"?)

squeaver · 10/06/2013 11:19

Men and women can be friends. But it's always advisable not be friends with arseholes.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/06/2013 11:28

I don't think your reaction was too harsh. The very best interpretation is that he is making a poor joke, which would hurt his wife and therefore he is an arsehole.

More likely, is that he is trawling. There is no reason for any man, no matter the length of his marriage, to randomly contact some woman he fancied and wanted a relationship with in the past.

He is showing no loyalty or respect or consideration for his wife, making him a sleaze and your initial assessment fair enough.

Men and women cannot be friends when one of them fancies the other and wants to shag them. That is not friendship.

Original poster
Spero · 10/06/2013 11:34

Phew. Normal service is restored. I am confident that I was right in my initial response.

I think the Harry Met Sally point is that men will ALWAYS want to have sex with their female friends hence true friendship between heterosexual men and women is impossible.

that makes me quite sad. My friend also asked me last night, quite sadly, if all men were creeps as she has had a long run of this sort of behaviour. I found I couldn't reassure her, which is also sad.

OP posts:
TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 10/06/2013 11:38

I disagree, as I usually do on these issues. Men and women can be friends as long as boundaries are maintained, and the most important boundary is no sexual contact. If he's having a shit time, realised he's made a mistake, whatever, then help and advice from a female friend who's made it very obvious in the past that she won't shag him could be very useful - he knows she doesn't have a hidden agenda.

Making light of unhappiness in the context of a text also seems perfectly normal - it's a step closer than saying "fine thanks" but he's not confident enough of their friendship to say "Well, actually, things aren't great because...What can I do to make it better?" He's putting out feelers to see whether this is someone he can confide in.

He may or may not be a sleazebag, but this text doesn't prove it.