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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

11 year old son

16 replies

ttpp124 · 09/06/2013 01:36

I have a 11 year old son , had a great father son relationship after me and my ex divorced. He does not want to do anything at all with me. I tried to find out what was wrong and why he did not want to stay with me at my house. He said there is no friends over where i live. I told him that he was more then welcome to bring his friends to my house. My friends do not like you. I told him to pack his stuff and move into his moms house. I have not talked to my son for over a week. I am the adult so i am suppose to sorry to him the way i handled it my ex said. I am not sure how to apporach the matter. The ex wife is a caring mom to my son, does not feel he should have to spend time with his father since all his friends are at his moms place.

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 09/06/2013 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prissyenglisharriviste · 09/06/2013 01:45

Well, you told him to take his stuff and get out.

You told your 11 year old son to move out of your house. In a strop.

Hardly father of the year material, is it? Whatever happened to sitting down with a pizza for a chat and trying to talk through why his friends don't like you/ whether you could arrange for him to bring a friend camping for the weekend/ you'd go and ride bikes with them in the park... Or even explaining that you love him very much and would like to spend more time with him, but that you understood he was getting older and it was perfectly natural that he would want to spend time with his friends and not his parents?

Being reassuring and a parent?

Instead of tantrum ing and throwing him out like a sulky lover?

Yep, I think your ex is bang on. Time to act like a parent and start trying to build bridges with your child, who incidentally is growing up. You wouldn't want to be teaching him the wrong thing about how to handle this sort of confrontation, or making him feel bad for going through a perfectly normal stage with approaching adolescence, now would you?

You obviously started well, with trying to find out why, but then the criticism got a bit personal and you threw your toys out of the pram instead of discussing what you could to help the issue.

Go apologise, and reassure your ex and your son that you won't ever turn your back on him again.

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2013 01:48

They do become more independent when they get to 11, it's a cross over point from having to micro-manage them and their friends (kind of) and be really involved, to them choose what they want to do and when.

It was very hurtful of him to say his mates don't like you, but could he genuinely have felt it was something important to him and your pretty crappy response of kicking him out just reinforced what his mates think?

You're pushing him away, you don't sound sorry when you say 'I am the adult so i am suppose to sorry to him the way i handled it', do you find it hard to back down or do you genuinely think your reaction was reasonable?

Could you come to a compromise and actually listen to what he's saying? (regardless of whether you think it's valid or not) Perhaps let him have more say about when he comes over and for how long?

valiumredhead · 09/06/2013 01:51

Try saying sorry for telling him to pack his bags for starters!

Original poster

ttpp124 · 09/06/2013 03:35

Ok i will try that idea thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

ttpp124 · 09/06/2013 03:38

I was seeing him 50% of the time. His mother lives 15 minutes from my house.

OP posts:

Original poster

ttpp124 · 09/06/2013 03:57

Yes that is a vaid point AgentZigzag, his friends are important now that he is getting older. I was so upset that emotions came over bad judgement on my point. The compromise would be hard it always wants his way. I can not really get him to talk when he is upset. That is the last thing i want is to push my son away and loose him. He has more say i believe i will never see him because he does not have friends by my house if i give him the choose how long he wants to stay at my house.

OP posts:

Cerisier · 09/06/2013 04:38

What can he actually do when he comes over? Does he have games to play on in his room by himself or with friends?

My teens are a bit older but they have a tv room with wii and DVDs to use, when friends come over they hang out there. They have laptops they can link to the tv to play music on too.

Also what do you do with your son together? Do you go for walks? Watch sport? Do sport? Go out to films?

I think as well as being calmer and not flying off the handle you might need to put more effort in making your house teen-friendly.

Talk to your DS and see what he wants- he will be able to tell you what he likes in his friends' houses.

Original poster

ttpp124 · 09/06/2013 05:06

That is good advice i really never take it into thought to make the house more teen friendly. I will try that idea and hopefully we will be able to talk before he does not want to talk to me at all.

OP posts:

formicadinosaur · 09/06/2013 09:07

Apologise. Then find a hobby you can do together.

FriendlyLadybird · 09/06/2013 09:20

When you talk to him, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to say that you felt very hurt when he said that he didn't want to stay with you and that his friends didn't like you.
Yes, you are the adult and you shouldn't have thrown him out BUT adults have feelings too and 11-year-old boys (I've got one) are not the greatest at realising and accommodating this.
Expressing your own feelings may be a good way to start establishing a slightly more grown-up relationship with him -- which is possibly what he's been wanting but been unable to say.

shewhowines · 09/06/2013 11:22

What does he actually do, when at yours?

Think how you can make it more interesting for him. Do things together. Go swimming, kick a ball round in the park, cook together or play board games. Think of ways of helping him to enjoy time at yours.

I would also revisit why he thinks his friends don't like you. Was it a childish response to criticism or is there some truth in it, that you might have to think about and possibly address.

Talk to him but in a non confrontational way, perhaps while driving or doing something. I found you got more out of them that way - when it didn't seem like a forced chat.

shewhowines · 09/06/2013 11:24

Don't forget you still need to be a parent though. You can't just let him have his own way all the time to "make him happy"

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 11:26

You're the parent here and you need to apologise to him for throwing him out and take it from there.

What is your relationship like with your ex? Could you move a bit nearer maybe so he has friends in the area? Do you actually do anything with him when he is with you, or do you leave him to it?

When I used to stay with my dad, he would sit and watch sport on TV all day and I had no friends around as he lived 20 mins away from where I lived so I was always bored.

You need to talk to your son, tell him he hurt you with what he said but that you're sorry about the way you reacted and what can you do to make things better for him at yours?

EllieArroway · 09/06/2013 11:28

He's getting to the age where his friends become much more important to him than his parents. This is normal, I'm afraid - it's part and parcel of him growing up. There's no need for you to get all offended and, basically, throw him out. 11 year olds are not known for their tact and diplomacy - he was being honest.

If I were you, I would point out that he hurt your feelings but that you understand he wants to see his friends. Tell him that, because you love him, you really want to be able to spend some time with him and think of suggestions of things the pair of you can do together.

Having friends and wanting to see them IS a good & healthy thing - but there's no need for him to be rude to you, or you to him.

SueDoku · 09/06/2013 11:40

I'm sorry - and may well get flamed for this - but living 15 minutes away from his Mum is hardly an insummountable distance for his friends to come round is it? If you lived in Scotland and she lived in London then that's a very different scenario -- but 15 minutes - come on...! Are his friends such delicate flowers that they can't journey for 15 minutes to see him? They are 11 - do none of them have bikes that they can ride to your place?

Having said that, then I do agree that you need to apologise to both your DS and his Mum, as your response was hardly adult - and yes, you do need to think about having things at your house for them to do, but please don't let him use a 15 minute journey as an excuse for not seeing his friends..!

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