To want to make amends

[Girlwhoplayedwithsapphire]

We moved into our new house late last year, met my lovely new neighbour who also does interior decorating, gardening and general handyman. He did some interior decorating for us and also started to clear the garden up as it was very over grown from previous owners, all paid for. The garden clearout left a huge amount of garden waste which he kept promising to come over and clear away. He didnt , for months and months and then he stopped promising. I eventually cleared it away over several weeks and got a friend's dh to do regular gardening. My neighbour has now stopped talking to me and goes to great lengths to avoid me. He will stop dead in his tracks and walk in another direction, go back into his house to avoid meeting etc. is he upset that i got someone else to finish up his job? I am also bothered that the strange behaviour coincided with the horrific event at Woolwich. Could it be misplaced anger at me because i have the same ethnic background or have i now become paranoid. I want to go back to being good neighbours. What do Mumsnetters think is the best approach?

Just to add that he had said he would do regular gardening too but then nothing from him for months as he seemed busy on other projects at his own home

I'm only guessing because who knows what goes on in some folks head, but it's possible paranoia is creeping in if you're thinking he's taken against you because of what two murderers chose to do.

If he felt like that, even a bit, I'm not sure he'd have done the work for you in the first place, surely?

I would say if you'd been asking him when he's going to move it a fair bit he just started avoiding you to avoid the guilt trip you lay on him (rightly so as he hadn't finished the job he was paid to do).

Do you feel able to make a move to ask him why before he skedaddles off? Are there any other reasons that'd give you an excuse to go round and ask him? Like something he'd forgotten was at yours?

Agentzigzag, i had stopped asking as i didnt like to pester, and we still bumped into each other and said hello weeks and weeks after the last time he said to me "dont worry i have not forgotten". He just suddenly started to avoid saying hello. Thats why i started to wonder if it might be nothing to do with the garden even though yes i got a bit paranoid probably because of the general atmosphere around then. We are not noisy neighbours and there's been no dispute of any kind so am completely mystified . Thanks for your suggestion i will find an excuse to go round their and talk to him specifically not his dw, what if she asks me to leave a message andhe does not call back? Can i do something like take a cake round? If its only about the garden will something like that bring him round? I didnt grow up in the UK so sometimes i am not sure what is ok and what will be thought of as just weird. Sorry i didnt reply earlier, i fell asleep!

It sounds like he's embarrassed that you got fed up with waiting for him to clear up the mess. I would just pretend not to notice that he's ignoring you, say hi everytime you see him and carry on as normal.

+1

Shylepite, i am hoping you are right but would you consider that to be a bit childish too? i mean avoiding your next door neighbour because you are embarassed? For how long would it carry on? Just wanting to understand it. I had assumed we would bump into each other and he would say something like " i see you got someone to do garden now" and i would say "yes my friend's dh , could see you were busy etc etc" or i would bring it up and say "yes my friend's dh , could see you were busy etc etc" and we would carry onnas normal from there. Ok, i will go round with an excuse and then follow up with waylaying him to say hello. Will leave the cake etc for now. Hopefully things go back to normal. I see so many bad neighbour stories i really want to avoid that.

Why don't you invite him round for a cuppa next time you see him? Make your future relationship completely non-dependent on the past garden stuff.

The cake is a lovely idea, but only if you'd done something to contribute to him ignoring you, and you haven't (and if you have and it's nothing to do with the garden, or you're not being paranoid and the murderers have influenced him, it's still not your responsibility because he hasn't had talked about it to you about it to your face.)

You asking him when he's going to make good on a job you've paid good money for isn't unreasonable. If he thought you were going on about it too much, he should have got his arse in gear and finished the job!

If he still doesn't respond to your friendly approaches then you can be comfortable in the knowledge it's nothing to do with you and he's being a twat. You tried and the ball's in his court.

Don't worry about it, you sound really thoughtful, hopefully he'll see that in the end.

Thanks Agentzigzag and all who replied. I feel more able to deal with and hopefully resolve with neighbour now as i know i didnt break some unspoken code by getting another gardener, and it is not likely Woolwich related

He is perhaps embarrassed that he didn't do the work he promised to do and is avoiding you for that reason.

If you paid him to do it, he might be expecting you to ask for your money back and started to avoid you because he doesn't have it/doesn't want to pay it back.

I don't think you've done anything wrong.

Just smile, be friendly and say hello when you see him, or wave if he's running away too fast to speak to

You sound lovely Wish you were my neighbour!

Does the money issue bother you, or have you kind of let that go?

I agree with AgentZigzag and Shylepite - he was procrastinating and then started to feel guilty, which he didn't like, so he started avoiding you to swerve the guilt, and then the bad feeling sort of snowballed for him. So you have become a trigger for him feeling crap and cross - although it's all his own fault.

Some people who don't have oodles of emotional intelligence can start unconsciously blaming the person they have wronged/short-changed due to this!

He might even have tailored his thinking to match his feeling of annoyance now, convincing himself you didn't pay him enough for the job or something - justifying his silly behaviour.

Anyway, who knows. If I were you, I would pop round, as others have suggested, and say to him or his DW that you just want to let them both know not to worry about the garden stuff anymore and that they must pop over for some tea and cake soon.

Then leave it and carry on as normal - smiles, hellos if you pass. You can't do anything else. You've behaved impeccably.