to want to double barrel my surname after 6 years of marriage

[benjerriesandme]

When I got married 6 years ago before hand I spoke with my then husband to be about not really wanting to change my name. My reason being that im an only child and so was my dad so my surname would die with my dad. My husband was not happy as he said he was traditional and it was the usual thing to change your name when married.

I did change my name but was always at the back of my mind and I don't want to share the same name with my ILs (SIL also chose the same first name for their son as ours so they will have the same first and surname, this however is not that big a deal it was just something extra to think about)

I have since had 2 children and my dad has also died and now I feel very upset that my surname has gone and will not be carried on and I was to now double barrel my and my Childrens surname but not sure how to bring it up to my husband as it caused so much trouble before. I wish now I had stood my ground and double barrelled from the start.

How can I bring this up with DH?

[olathelawyer05]

"...So Ola's analysis of this topic is a tad bizarre, to say the least."

No, it not bizarre at all. I am well aware that the 'rings' and 'knees' custom is much much younger that the name changing, which did use to denote ownership. However, it does not denote that now and hasn't done for a long time. People reciprocate when they get married now - or at least that is the idea - and the rings/knees and name change is part of that. Your argument is therefore completely disingenuous.

[olathelawyer05]

@Helltotheno - "...I understand what ola's saying to be honest. In theory, if women want the whole man down on bended knee proposing, followed by church ceremony complete with white dress and piss up in a hotel, the taking on of man's name is in theory part of that traditional deal."

Thank you so much for getting it. I really didn't think my point was that controversial.

I suspect there are just many here who refuse to mentally entertain the notion that the man is supposed to have a stake in the process of that union.... (which strangely enough is my argument against the concept of marriage for men - i.e. what do men really get from it?. I won't risk poisoning our accord by going into that now!).

[olathelawyer05]

@Chunderella - Well why don't you tell us how old a practice has to be in order to be 'tradition'?

Do you honestly think that the average couple about to get married with the postcard bells and whistles, rings and name changes etc. think about how long each individual custom has been around?... of course they don't - they just see it as part of the same package.... part of the same 'tradition'.

I did not ever suggest that it was universal, or that every marriage is rooted this way, simply that if the woman has taken his name (as the OP has), then he probably believes that he (the OP's husband) did something in return for that.... hence why he is upset at her desire to change her name from his. Why is this so difficult to understand?

Unlike many on here, I am actually trying to help the OP think through her dilemma rather than just informing her of her legal rights, which is completely pointless. She almost certainly knows what her rights are - what she wants is advice on dealing with the issue RE her husband.

[ArtemisatBrauron]

ola why does anyone have to 'sacrifice' anything to get married? That is horribly negative. I have been married for 5 happy years and do not feel that I have bought that happiness with any kind of sacrifice. My husband and I are equal partners in life, we love and respect each other and, frankly, I find your views repugnant and an insult to the institution of marriage.

[ArtemisatBrauron]

and yes, I did change my name. But neither of us see it as an "exchange". I did it so, if we are lucky enough to have children, we will all have the same name, not to 'buy' my engagement ring off him.

[olathelawyer05]

"...why does anyone have to 'sacrifice' anything to get married?"

They don't - I didn't say they did. You've misunderstood. Feel free to go back over my posts if you wish.

[cheeseandpineapple]

Ola, haven't read all your posts but the marriage contract was originally between the husband to be and the father of the bride. The reason why women took on their husband's name is because they became the chattel of their husband.

Marriage was a chattel exchange between men. Society maintains the tradition of the name change but the origin was never borne from any kind of reciprocity between husband and wife.

OP, my kids and I have my maiden name as a middle name. It was important to me that they connect with my maiden name as it reflects a different culture, one they are not exposed to much. The name itself is sufficiently different, culturally, that it will always be a reminder of part of their heritage.

Can you introduce your maiden name as middle names for you all, DH too if he wants? My DH didn't want to as he has his mother's maiden name as a middle name but was fine with the three of us all sharing the same last two names.

I've always made reference to my maiden name casually but regularly so my kids have grown up connecting to it.

[sameoldIggi]

I teach logic to teenagers, Ola, if you live near me you'd be welcome to come and join the class. You'd find it beneficial.

[olathelawyer05]

@cheeseandpineapple - Yes I have already addressed the 'origins' of the customs in reply to one of @Chunderella's posts. The summary is that These individual origins are not what people look at NOW when they get married. That's the reality. People just see rings/knees/name change as part of the same shabang.

You don't need to justify why you and your husband chose to do what you did regarding names. That was never the essence of my opinion on this issue. I have never said that "men should buy rings and get on their knees, and women should change their names" etc....

I was answering the OP's dilemma. She took her husband's name; she now wants to change; he is upset about it; and people are criticising him for daring to be upset.... all I am saying is that they have no right to criticise him, because they have no idea what he believes he gave in return for her taking his name at the time of their marriage - indeed, they don't care what he gave (probably because he is a man and men of course have no real stake in marriage and no feelings...). The whole rings and knees thing was just an example as to what men do (and have generally been expected to do during my lifetime certainly) in return for which the woman takes his name.

[olathelawyer05]

@sameoldIggi - Why don't you actually address what I am saying? What is 'illogical' about what I have said? We don't need to meet in class - we can do it right here.

Common 'Miss', summarise to me what you believe I have said, and why you believe it to be lacking in logic. We can then engage in discourse.

[justmyview]

I think using your maiden name as an additional middle name could be a good compromise

[Pickle131]

It took me two years to persuade DH to change his surname. I'm so glad I held out for a single name (his middle name, same as his father's and grandfather's middle names) rather than double barreling. I personally would have felt silly and pretentious every time I said it. His original surname and my Dr title were a very unfortunate combo.

In the end the argument that we want the two of us and our kids to have the same name won over. If you feel that strongly I'd maybe even hold out like I did for the name you want for everyone. My DH got some serious kudos at work for putting his wife first and doing away with convention!

[AHandfulOfDust]

I've come back to this late but it's quite pertinent going by Ola's comments.

I was thinking about engagement rings today - I never had one, I'm unhappy with what they signify.

My husband didn't get down on his knees, & neither did I pledge myself to him, with a band of metal or a change of name.

He does not own me, I am not his belonging, by name or by piece of carbon.

& I don't own him.

We married because we loved each-other, because we wanted something for our children, we believed in a stronger bond.

Nomenclature, rings, ownership is bugger all to do with it.

[Helltotheno]

Maybe it doesn't Chunderella but I do see a surprisingly number of women on Relationships waiting for proposals, whether that be via bended knee or not, and I'm always surprised by this...

Also a huge percentage of people these days are shacked up rather than married so there are plenty of people who don't like marriage although shacked up brings its own problems.